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Copyright®2000byNicholasBoothmanAllrightsreserved.Noportionofthisbookmaybereproduced—mechanically,electronically,orbyanyothermeans,includingphotocopying—withoutwrittenpermissionofthepublisher.PublishedsimultaneouslyinCanadabyThomasAllen&SonLimited.LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataBoothman,NicholasHowtomakepeoplelikeyouin90secondsorless/byNicholasBoothman.p.cm.ISBN0-7611-1940-X1.Interpersonalcommunication.2.Interpersonalrelations.I.Title.BF637.C45B6552000158.2—dc2100-043236Workmanbooksareavailableatspecialdiscountswhenpurchasedinbulkforpremiumsandsalespromotionsaswellasforfund-raisingoreducationaluse.Specialeditionsorbookexcerptscanalsobecreatedtospecifications.Fordetails,contacttheSpecialSalesDirectorattheaddressbelow.WORKMANPUBLISHINGCOMPANY,INC708BroadwayNewYork,NY10003-9555!Now!MyguardianangelDorotheaHelms,whosaid,It'stimetogetyourselfagreatagent.MyamazingagentShereeBykofsky,whobombardedmewithsupportandcommitment.ThecharismaticbookpublisherPeterWorkman,whobringsallhissensetobearonabookandsurroundshimselfwiththefinesttalenttobefound.Andjustwhenyouthoughtyou'veseenandhearditall,alongcomestheastonishingSallyKovalchick,whoblowsyouawaywithherabilitytoinhaleamanuscriptandexhaleafinishedbook.Iofferyouallmyheartfeltthanks.Youarelivingproofthatotherpeopleareourgreatestresource.viiixxiThesecretofsuccessisnotveryhardtofigureout.Thebetteryouareatconnectingwithotherpeople,thebetterthequalityofyourlife.Ifirstdiscoveredthesecretsofgettingalongwithpeopleduringmycareerasafashionandadvertisingphotographer.WhetheritwasworkingwithasinglemodelforapageinVogueor400peopleaboardashiptopromoteaNorwegiancruiseline,itwasobviousthatformephotographywasmoreaboutclickingwithpeoplethanaboutclickingwithacamera.What'smore,itdidn'tmatteriftheshootwastakingplaceinthelobbyoftheRitzHotelinSanFranciscooraramshacklehutonthesideofamountaininAfrica:theprinciplesforestablish-ingrapportwereuniversal.ForaslongasIcanremember,Ihavefounditeasytogetalongwithpeople.Coulditbeagift?Istheresuchathingasanaturaltalentforgettingalongwithpeople,orisitsomethingwelearnalongtheway?Andifitcanbelearned,canitbetaught?Idecidedtofindout.Iknewfrom25yearsofshootingstillphotographsformagazinesallovertheworldthatattitudeandbodylanguageareparamounttocreatingastrongvisualimpression—magazineadshavelessthantwosecondstocapturethereader'sattention.Iwasalsoawarethattherexiiiwasawayofusingbodylanguageandvoicetonetomakeperfectstrangersfeelcomfortableandcooperative.Mythirdrealizationwasthatafewwell-chosenwordscouldevokeexpression,moodandactioninalmostanysubject.Withtheseinsightsundermybelt,Idecidedtolookalit-tledeeper.Whyisiteasiertogetonwithsomepeoplethanwithothers?WhycanIhaveaninterestingconversationwithapersonI'vejustmet,whilesomeoneelsemightdismissthatsamepersonasboringorthreatening?Clearly,somethingmustbehappeningonalevelbeyondourconsciousawareness,butwhatisit?ItwasatthispointinmyquestthatIcameacrosstheearlyworkofDrs.RichardBandlerandJohnGrinderatUCLAinasubjectwiththeunwieldynameofNeuro-LinguisticProgramming,NLPforshort.ManyofthethingsIhadbeendoingintuitivelyasaphotographer,thesetwomenandtheircolleagueshaddocumentedandanalyzedastheartandscienceofpersonalexcel-lence.Amongafountainofnewinsights,theyrevealedthateveryonehasafavoritesense.Findthissenseandyouhavethekeytounlockaperson'sheartandmind.Asmynewpathbecameclearer,Isetasidemycam-erasandresolvedtofocusonhowpeopleworkontheinsideaswellashowtheylookontheoutside.Overthenextfewyears,IstudiedwithDr.BandlerinLondonandNewYorkandearnedalicenseasaMasterPractitionerxivofNLP.IstudiedIrresistibleLanguagePatternsintheUnitedStates,CanadaandEngland,anddelvedintoeverythingtodowiththebrain'spartinhumanconnec-tivity.Iworkedwithactors,comediansanddramateach-ersinAmericaandstorytellersinAfricatoadaptimprovisationaldrillsintoexercisesthatenhancecon-versationalskills.SincethenIhavegoneontogiveseminarsandtalksallovertheworld,workingwithallkindsofgroupsandindividualsfromsalesteamstoteachers,fromleadersoforganizationswhothoughttheyknewitalltochildrensoshythatpeoplethoughttheyweredim-witted.Andonethingbecameveryclear:makingpeoplelikeyouin90secondsorlessisaskillthatcanbetaughttoanyoneinanatural,easyway.OverandoverIhavebeentold,Nick,thisisamaz-ing.Whydon'tyouwriteitdown?Well,Ilistened,andIhave.Andhereitis.—N.B.XVlikeyou,thewelcomematisoutandaconnectionisyoursforthemaking.Otherpeopleareyourgreatestresource.Theygivebirthtoyou;theyfeedyou,dressyou,provideyouwithmoney,makeyoulaughandcry;theycomfortyou,healyou,investyourmoney,serviceyourcarandburyyou.Wecan'tlivewithoutthem.Wecan'tevendiewithoutthem.Connectingiswhatourancestorsweredoingthou-sandsofyearsagowhentheygatheredaroundthefiretoeatwoollymammothsteaksorstitchtogetherthelat-estanimal-hidefashions.It'swhatwedowhenweholdquiltingbees,golftournaments,conferencesandyardsales;itunderliesourculturalritualsfro