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ByF-loat中央咖啡馆这没什么好说的There'snothingtotell!他不过是我的同事He'sjustsomeguyIworkwith!少来了你们都在约会了C'mon,you'regoingoutwiththeguy!这个男人一定有什么问题There'sgottabesomethingwrongwithhim!他是驼背吗戴着假发的驼背Sodoeshehaveahump?Ahumpandahairpiece?等等他吃粉笔吗Wait,doesheeatchalk?我只是不想你Just,'cause,Idon'twanthertogothrough重蹈我和卡尔的覆辙whatIwentthroughwithCarl拜托各位放松点这甚至不算是约会Okay,everybodyrelax.Thisisnotevenadate.只不过是两个人出去吃个饭It'sjusttwopeoplegoingouttodinner而且不会上床andnothavingsex.ByF-loat听起来像是和我约会Soundslikeadatetome.于是我回到了高中学校Alright,soI'mbackinhighschool,我站在食堂中间I'mstandinginthemiddleofthecafeteria然后发现自己全身赤裸andIrealizeIamtotallynaked.噢做过那种梦Oh,yeah.Hadthatdream.然后我低下头看见那里有一部ThenIlookdown,andIrealizethere'saphone大哥大there.-那话儿变成了-没错-Insteadof...?-That'sright.-这种梦倒从未做过-没有-《比利别逞英雄》70年代反战歌曲还有个问题Y'know,here'sthething.就算我鼓足了勇气想约个女人出来EvenifIcouldgetittogetherenoughto-toaskawomanout,...我又能约谁呢whoamIgonnaask?ByF-loat不可思议吧Isn'tthisamazing?我这辈子从没泡过咖啡Imean,Ihavenevermadecoffeebeforeinmyentirelife.-真不可思议-恭喜你了-Thatisamazing.-Congratulations.既然你现在正进入角色Whileyou'reonaroll有没有想做个煎蛋卷之类的东西IfyoufeellikeyouhavetomakeaWesternomeletorsomething..不过事实上我还不太饿AlthoughactuallyI'mreallynotthathungry...-早安-早安-Morning.-Goodmorning.-早安-早安保罗-Morning.-Morning,Paul.-你好保罗-嗨保罗是吧-Hello,Paul.-Hi,Paul,isit?-谢谢太感谢你了-不要这样-Thankyou.Thankyousomuch.-Stop.晚点联系We'lltalklater.谢谢你Yeah.Thankyou.ByF-loat那还不叫真正的约会Thatwasn'tarealdate?!那你真正的约会到底要干些什么Whatthehelldoyoudoonarealdate?-闭嘴把桌子抬回去-好啦-Shutup,andputmytableback.-Okayyy!好了孩子们我必须上班去了Allright,kids,Igottagettowork.但如果我不输入那些数字IfIdon'tinputthosenumbers...也没什么关系itdoesn'tmakemuchofadifference...你们大伙儿都有工作So,like,youguysallhavejobs?对我们都有工作Yeah,weallhavejobs.这样才有钱买东西See,that'showwebuystuff.对我是个演员Yeah,I'manactor.你演过什么我看过吗Wow!WouldIhaveseenyouinanything?难说大部分范围都挺小的Idoubtit.Mostlyregionalwork.ByF-loat等下除非你碰巧看过Ohwait,wait,unlessyouhappenedtocatchthe《匹诺曹》的重播Reruns'productionofPinocchio.瞧盖佩多我是真正的小男孩了'Look,Gippetto,I'marealliveboy.'{\an3\fs16\bord0\fn微软雅黑\fad(0,0)\b0\pos(374,247)}《匹诺曹》的剧中台词-别这么侮辱人-你说得对对不起-Iwillnottakethisabuse.-You'reright,I'msorry.我曾是个小木偶小木偶OnceIwasawoodenboy,alittlewoodenboy...今天感觉如何Sohowyoudoingtoday?睡得还好吧跟巴瑞谈过了吗Didyousleepokay?TalktoBarry?我无法停止笑Ican'tstopsmiling.看得出来Icanseethat.你活像昨晚睡觉时嘴里放了个撑衣架Youlooklikeyousleptwithahangerinyourmouth.我知道他是那么Iknow,he'sjustso,so...还记得你和托尼·德马科吗ByF-loatDoyourememberyouandTonyDeMarco?记得啊Oh,yeah.就像那样那种感觉Well,it'slikethat.Withfeelings.-哇你真是有麻烦了-Wow,areyouintrouble!好啦好啦我要站起来去工作Okay.Okay.Iamjustgoingtogetup,gotowork而且一整天都不要想他andnotthinkabouthimallday.或者只是站起来去工作OrelseI'mjustgonnagetupandgotowork.-祝我好运-为什么-Oh,look,wishmeluck!-Whatfor?我要去找那个工作什么的东西I'mgonnagogetoneofthosejobthings.嘿莫妮卡Hey,Monica!嘿弗兰妮欢迎回来HeyFrannie,welcomeback!在佛罗里达过得如何HowwasFlorida?你做爱了对不ByF-loatYouhadsex,didn'tyou?-你怎么知道的-Howdoyoudothat?那么和谁So?Who?你认识保罗吧YouknowPaul?保罗那个调酒的PaultheWineGuy?对我认识保罗Ohyeah,IknowPaul.你是说你认识他就像我认识他一样YoumeanyouknowPaullikeIknowPaul?开玩笑吧保罗还欠我一个人情呢Areyoukidding?ItakecreditforPaul.遇到我之前他已有两年无法过性生活Y'knowbeforeme,therewasnosnapinhisturtlefortwoyears.显然他是骗你的Ofcourseitwasaline!为什么为什么会有人那样做Why?!Why?Why,whywouldanybodydosomethinglikethat?我想你是想让我们拿出一个Iassumewe'relookingforananswermoresophisticated比想和你上床更为复杂的回答ByF-loatthan'togetyouintobed'.问题出在我身上Isitme?难道我身上带着某种味儿IsitlikeIhavesomesortofbeacon只有狗和有严重情感问题的男人才会发觉吗thatonlydogsandmenwithsevereemotionalproblemscanhear?好啦过来把你的脚给我Allright,c'mere,gimmeyourfeet.我只是以为他是个好男人Ijustthoughthewasnice,y'know?我真不相信你不知道那是个谎言Ican'tbelieveyoudidn'tknowitwasaline!-猜猜怎么了-你找到工作了-Guesswhat?-Yougotajob?开玩笑吗我什么都不会Areyoukidding?I'mtrainedfornothing!今天十二个面试我都是被嘲笑轰出来的Iwaslaughedoutoftwelveinterviewstoday.不过你却异常兴奋Andyetyou'resurprisinglyupbeat.如果你遇见约翰&大卫的皮靴打五折YouwouldbetooifyoufoundJohnandDavidbootsonsale,也会跟我一样的ByF-loatfiftypercentoff!是呀你多了解我啊Oh,howwellyouknowme...这就是我不需要工作They'remynew'Idon'tneedajob,不需要父母一双好皮靴足矣Idon'tneedmyparents,I'vegotgreatboots'boots!你怎么付的款How'dyoupayforthem?用信用卡Uh,creditcard.那谁付账单Andwhopaysforthat?我爸啊Um...my...father.拜托你不能靠你爸一辈子C'mon,youcan'tliveoffyourparentsyourwholelife.我知道这就是为什么我要结婚Iknowthat.That'swhyIwasgettingmarried.饶了她吧第一次独立并不轻松Giveherabreak,it'shardbeingonyourownforthefirsttime.谢谢Thankyou.不客气我记得我第一次来纽约时的情景ByF-loatYou'rewelcome.IrememberwhenIfirstcametothiscity.当时我十四岁Iwasfourteen.我妈刚自杀我继父再度入狱Mymomhadjustkilledherselfandmystep-dadwasbackinprison,我来到这里举目无亲andIgothere,andIdidn'tknowanybody.最后我和一个白化病患者住在一起AndIendeduplivingwiththisalbinoguywhowas,like,他给港务局的人清洗车窗玻璃cleaningwindshieldsoutsideportauthority,后来他也自杀了andthenhekilledhimself,然后我成了按摩师andthenIfoundaromatherapy.所以相信我我完全了解你的感受Sobelieveme,Iknowexactlyhowyoufeel.你想要说的话是Thewordyou'relookingforis无论如何Anyway...好了准备好了吗Allright,youready?-我不这么想ByF-loat-Idon'tthinkso.剪掉剪掉剪掉C'mon,cut.Cut,cut,cut,...欢迎来到现实世界Welcometotherealworld!它糟透了但你会喜欢的Itsucks.You'regonnaloveit!好啦你要睡在沙发上吗Well,that'sit.Yougonnacrashonthecouch?不我要回家老友记\第一季第一集没人告诉你生活会是这样\Sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway你滑稽的工作你的差劲\yourjobsajoke,you'rebroke,你半途而废的爱情\yourlovelife'sD.O.A.就像开车卡在二档\It'slikeyou'realwaysstuckinsecondgear,每日每周每月\Andithasn'tbeenyourday,yourweek,yourmonth,甚至每年都是如此\orevenyouryear,but大雨倾盆时\I'll