201706浙江续写作文讲评

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。Onabright,warmJulyafternoon,MacHollan,aprimaryschoolteacher,wascyclingfromhishometoAlaskawithhisfriends.Oneofhisfriendshadstoppedtomakeabicyclerepair,buttheyhadencouragedMactocarryon,andtheywouldcatchupwithhimsoon.AsMacpedaled(骑行)alongalone,hethoughtfondlyofhiswifeandtwoyoungdaughtersathome.Hehopedtoshowthemthisbeautifulplacesomeday.ThenMacheardquickandloudbreathingbehindhim.“Man,that'sabigdog!hethought.Butwhenhelookedtotheside,hesawinstantlythatitwasn’tadogatall,butawolfquicklycatchingupwithhim.Mac’sheartjumped.Hefoundouthiscanofbearspray.Withonehandonthebars,hefiredthesprayatthewolf.Abrightredcloudenvelopedtheanimal,andtoMac'srelief,itfellback,shakingitshead.Butaminutelater,itwasbyhissideagain.ThenitattackedthebackofMac'sbike,tearingopenhistenthag.Hefiredatthewolfasecondtime,andagain,itfellbackonlytoquicklyrestartthechase（追赶).Macwaspedalinghardnow.Hewavedandyelledatpassingcarsbutwascarefulnottoshowdown.Hesawasteepuphillclimbbeforehim.Heknewthatoncehehitthehill,he’dbeeasycaughtupandthewolf’steethwouldbetearingintohisflesh.Atthismoment,PaulandBeckyweredrivingtheircarontheirwaytoAlaska.Theydidn’tthinkmuchofitwhentheysawtwocyclistsrepairingtheirbikeonthesideoftheroad.Abitlater,theyspottedwhatthey,too,assumedwasadogrunningalongsideamanonabike.Astheygotcloser,theyrealizedthatthedogwasawolf.Macheardalargevehiclebehindhim.Hepulledinfrontofitasthewolfwascatchingupfast,justadozenyardsawaynow.注意：1.所续写短文的词数应为150左右；2.应使用5个以上短文中标有下划线的关键词语；3.续写部分分为两段，每段开头语已为你写好；4.续写完成后，请用下划线标出你所使用的关键词语。Para1:Thecarabruptlystoppedinfrontofhim.Para2:Afewminuteslater,theothertwocyclistsarrived.评分标准1与所给短文及段落开头语的衔接程度2内容的丰富性和对所标出关键词语的应用情况3应用语法结构和词汇的丰富性和准确性4上下文的连贯性A.Narration（记叙文）B.Argumentation（议论文）C.Exposition（说明文）Writingstylewho:MachisfriendsPaulandBeckywhen:onabright,warmJulyafternoonwhere:fromhishometoAlaskawhat:tookatripandadventuredwhy:enjoyedthelifeastory(when,where,who,what,how)审体裁：记叙文审时态：一般过去时审前文大意以及要点what:heard,saw,fountout,fired,firedagain,pedalhard,wavedandyelledheard，pulledastory:beginning;development;ending结伴骑行---独自遇狼---奋力逃生逃出，感受TheprovidedbeginningsPara1:Thecarabruptlystoppedinfrontofhim.Para2:Afewminuteslater,theothertwocyclistsarrived.结伴骑行---独自遇狼---Para1：Thecarabruptlystoppedinfrontofhim.Whosecarwasit?Whydiditstop?HowdidMacfeel?WhatwouldMacdo?Para2：Afewminuteslater,theothertwocyclistsarrived.Whatdidtheysee?Whatwouldtheydo?卷面；段落，字数；衔接（与首句；两段之间；句子之间）故事发展准确性（用词；句子结构；语法；符合情景否？）改卷经验出现的问题衔接（与首句；两段之间；句子之间）故事发展准确性（用词；句子结构；语法；符合情景否？）出现的问题衔接（与首句；两段之间；句子之间）故事发展童话式的寓言式的无厘头式的戏剧式的出现的问题准确性（用词；句子结构；语法；符合情景否？）1afraid;nervous;frightened2catch,catchup,catchupwith3“Getintothecarquickly,man!”saidPaul.4发动汽车5狼追我们6汽油不够7自行车上跳下8call?/callfor?thepolice出现的问题准确性（用词；句子结构；语法；符合情景否？）Hesawthewolf’sfacenearhim.Heusedhisfisthitthefaceofthewolfstrongly.Seeingthewolf’sfacesoclosetohim,hehititwithallhisstrength/heavilyusinghisfist.出现的问题准确性（用词；句子结构；语法；符合情景否？）基本语法错误不规则动词（P106）though/butdangerous/indangerthanksto/thanks出现的问题准确性（用词；句子结构；语法；符合情景否？）1“Hey,friend!Calmdown!Jumpoutofyourbicycleandgetintoourcar!”shoutedPaul.2Afewminuteslater,thepolicearrived.3妻子带着孩子过来了。4送医院去了。5骑自行车一会儿就到家了。描写恐惧Thoughhewassafe,hestillfeltthedreadstoppingthepassageofairtohislung,withhislegstrembling.Atthesightoftheferociouswolf,Ifeltsoscaredthatmythroattightenedandmykneesfeltweak.Atthesightoftheferociouswolf,Ifrozewithterror,tooscaredtomoveaninch.Atthesightoftheferociouswolf,Iwasseizedbyastrongsenseofhorrorandmypalmsweresweating.Itwasreallyamomentoflifeanddeath.Sittinginthecar,hestillfelthisheartbeatingwildly.Hesatthere,toofrightenedtoutteraword.描写恐惧Hesattherewithhishandstremblingforquiteawhile.Hesatthere,allwetthroughbecauseoftheextremefright.Hesatthere,hisfacetotallypale.