搜索
Unit4ThefollowingtextisextractedfromMarriagesandFamiliesbyNijoleVBenokraitis.ThebookhasbeenusedasatextbookforsociologycoursesandwomenstudiesinanumberofuniversitiesintheUnitedStates.Ithighlightsimportantcontemporarychangesinsocietyandthefamilyandexploresthechoicesthatareavailabletofamilymembers,aswellastheconstraintsthatmanyofusdonotrecognize.ItexaminesthediversityofAmericanfamiliestoday,usingcross-culturalandmulticulturalcomparisonstoencouragecreativethinkingaboutthemanycriticalissuesthatconfrontthefamilyofthetwentyfistcentury.LoveandLovingRelationshipsNijoleV.Benokraitis1.Love-asbothanemotionandabehavior-isessentialforhumansurvival-Thefamilyisusuallyourearliestandmostimportantsourceofloveandemotionalsupport.Babiesandchildrendeprivedoflovehavebeenknowntodevelopawidevarietyofproblems-forexample,depression,headaches,physiologicalimpairments,andneuroticandpsychosomaticdifficulties-thatsometimeslastalifetime.Incontrast,infantswhoarelovedandcuddledtypicallygainmoreweight,cryless,andsmilemore.Byfiveyearsofage,theyhavebeenfoundtohavesignificantlyhigherIQsandtoscorehigheronlanguagetests.2.Muchresearchshowsthatthequalityofcareinfantsreceiveaffectshowtheylatergetalongwithfriends,howwelltheydoinschool,howtheyreacttonewandpossiblystressfulsituations,andhowtheyformandmaintainlovingrelationshipsasadults.Itisforthesereasonsthatpeople'searlyintimaterelationshipswithintheirfamilyoforiginaresocritical.Childrenwhoareraisedinimpersonalenvironments(orphanage,somefosterhomes,orunlovingfamilies)showemotionalandsocialunderdevelopment,languageandmotorskillsretardation,andmentalhealthproblems.3.Loveforoneself,orself-love,isalsoessentialforoursocialandemotionaldevelopment.ActressMaeWestoncesaid,IneverlovedanotherpersonthewayIlovedmyself.Althoughsuchastatementmayseemself-centered,it'sactuallyquiteinsightfulSocialscientistsdescribeself-loveasanimportantoasisforself-esteem.Amongotherthings,peoplewholikethemselvesaremoreopentocriticismandlessdemandingofothers.Fromm(1956)sawself-loveasanecessaryprerequisiteforlovingothers.Peoplewhodon'tlikethemselvesmaynotbeabletoreturnlovebutmayconstancyseekloverelationshipstobolstertheirownpoorself-images.Butjustwhatislove?Whatbringspeopletogether?4.Loveisanelusiveconcept.Wehaveallexperiencedloveandfeelweknowwhatitis;however,whenaskedwhatloveis,peoplegiveavarietyofanswers.Accordingtoanine-year-oldboy,forexample,Loveislikeanavalanchewhereyouhavetorunforyourlife.Whatwemeanbylovedependsonwhetherwearetalkingaboutloveforfamilymembers,friends,orlovers.Lovehasbeenasourceofinspiration,wrywitticisms,andevenpoliticalactionformanycenturies.5.Lovehasmanydimensions.Itcanberomantic,exciting,obsessive,andirrational-Itcanalsobeplatonic,calming,altruistic,andsensible.Manyresearchersfeelthatlovedefiesasingledefinitionbecauseitvariesindegreeandintensityandacrosssocialcontexts.Attheveryleast,threeelementsarenecessaryforalovingrelationship:(1)awillingnesstopleaseandaccommodatetheotherperson,evenifthisinvolvescompromiseandsacrifice;(2)anacceptanceoftheotherperson'sfaultsandshortcomings;and(3)asmuchconcernaboutthelovedone'swelfareasone'sown.And,peoplewhosaytheyareinloveemphasizecaring,intimacy,andcommitment.6.Inanytypeoflove,caringabouttheotherpersonisessential.Althoughlovemay,involvepassionateyearning,respectisamoreimportantquality.Respectisinherentinalllove:Iwantthelovedpersontogrowandunfoldforhisownsake,andinhisownways,andnotforthepurposeofservingme.Ifrespectandcaringaremissing,therelationshipisnotbasedonlove.Instead,itisanunhealthyorpossessivedependencythatlimitsthelovers'social,emotional,andintellectualgrowth.7.Love,especiallylong-termlove,hasnothingincommonwiththeimagesofloveor.frenziedsexthatwegetfromHollywood,television,andromancenovels.Becauseoftheseimages,manypeoplebelieveavarietyofmythsaboutlove.Thesemisconceptionsoftenleadtounrealisticexpectations,stereotypes,anddisillusionment.Infact,realloveisclosertowhatoneauthorcalledstirring-the-oatmeallove(Johnson1985).Thistypeofloveisneitherexcitingnorthrillingbutisrelativelymundaneandunromantic.Itmeanspayingbills,puttingoutthegarbage,scrubbingtoiletbowls,beingupallnightwithasickbaby,andperformingmyriadother'oatmealtasksthatarenotverysexy.8.Somepartnerstaketurnsstirringtheoatmeal.Otherpeopleseekrelationshipsthatoffercandlelitgourmetmealsinaromanticsetting.Whetherwedecidetoenteraseriousrelationshipornot,whattypeoflovebringspeopletogether?9.Whatattractsindividualstoeachotherinthefirstplace?Manypeoplebelievethatthere'sonepersonouttherethatoneismeantforandthatdestinywillbringthemtogether.Suchbeliefsareromanticbutunrealistic.Empiricalstudiesshowthatculturalnormsandvalues,notfate,bringpeopletogetherWewillnevermeetmillionsofpotentialloversbecausetheyarefilteredoutbyformalorinformalrulesonpartnereligibilityduetonfactorssuchasage,race,distance,Socialclass,religion,sexualorientation,health,orphysicalappearance.10.Beginninginchildhood,parentsencourageorlimitfutureromanticliaisonsbyselectingcertainneighborhoodsandschools.Inearlyadolescence,pearnormsinfluencetheadolescent'sdecisionsabou