Mr.-Know-All

Mr.KnowAllW.SomersetMaughamIwaspreparedtodislikeMaxKeladaevenbeforeIknewhim.Thewarhadjustfinishedandthepassengertrafficintheocean-goinglinerswasheavy.Accommodationwasveryhardtogetandyouhadtoputupwithwhatevertheagentschosetoofferyou.YoucouldnothopeforacabintoyourselfandIwasthankfultobegivenoneinwhichtherewereonlytwoberths.ButwhenIwastoldthenameofmycompanionmyheartsank.Itsuggestedclosedportholesandthenightairrigidlyexcluded.Itwasbadenoughtoshareacabinforfourteendayswithanyone(IwasgoingfromSanFranciscotoYokohama,butIshouldhavelookeduponitwithlessdismayifmyfellowpassenger’snamehadbeenSmithorBrown.WhenIwentonboardIfoundMrKelada’sluggagealreadybelow.Ididnotlikethelookofit;thereweretoomanylabelsonthesuit-cases,andthewardrobetrunkwastoobig.Hehadunpackedhistoiletthings,andIobservedthathewasapatronoftheexcellentMonsieurCoty;forIsawonthewashing-standhisscent,hishair-washandhisbrilliantine.MrKelada’sbrushes,ebonywithhismonogramingold,wouldhavebeenallthebetterforascrub.IdidnotatalllikeMrKelada.Imademywayintothesmoking-room.Icalledforapackofcardsandbegantoplaypatience.Ihadscarcelystartedbeforeamancameuptomeandaskedmeifhewasrightinthinkingmynamewassoandso.“IamMrKelada,”headded,withasmilethatshowedarowofflashingteeth,andsatdown.“Oh,yes,we’resharingacabin,Ithink.”“Bitofluck,Icallit.Youneverknowwhoyou’regoingtobeputinwith.IwasjollygladwhenIheardyouwereEnglish.I’mallforusEnglishslickingtogetherwhenwe’reabroad,ifyouunderstandwhatImean.”Iblinked.“AreyouEnglish?”Iasked,perhapstactlessly.“Rather.Youdon’tthinkIlooklikeanAmerican,doyou?Britishtothebackbone,that’swhatIam.”Toproveit,MrKeladatookoutofhispocketapassportandairilywaveditundermynose.KingGeorgehasmanystrangesubjects.MrKeladawasshortandofasturdybuild,clean-shavenanddark-skinned,withafleshyhookednoseandverylarge,lustrousandliquideyes.Hislongblackhairwassleekandcurly.HespokewithafluencyinwhichtherewasnothingEnglishandhisgestureswereexuberant.IfellprettysurethatacloserinspectionofthatBritishpassportwouldhavebetrayedthefactthatMrKeladawasbornunderabluerskythanisgenerallyseeninEngland.“Whatwillyouhave?”heaskedme.Ilookedathimdoubtfully.Prohibitionwasinforceandtoallappearancetheshipwasbone-dry.WhenIamnotthirstyIdonotknowwhichIdislikemore,gingeraleorlemonsquash.ButMrKeladaflashedanorientalsmileatme.“Whiskyandsodaoradrymartini,youhaveonlytosaytheword.”Fromeachofhishippocketshefishedaflaskandlaiditonthetablebeforeme.Ichosethemartini,andcallingthestewardheorderedatumbleroficeandacoupleofglasses.“Averygoodcocktail,”Isaid.“Well,thereareplentymorewherethatcamefrom,andifyou’vegotanyfriendsonboard,youtellthemyou’vegotapalwho’sgotalltheliquorintheworld.”MrKeladawaschatty.HetalkedofNewYorkandofSanFrancisco.Hediscussedplays,pictures,andpolitics.Hewaspatriotic.TheUnionJackisanimpressivepieceofdrapery,butwhenitisnourishedbyagentlemanfromAlexandriaorBeirut,Icannotbutfeelthatitlosessomewhatindignity.MrKeladawasfamiliar.”Idonotwishtoputonairs,butIcannothelpfeelingthatitisseemlyinatotalstrangertoput“mister”beforemynamewhenheaddressesme.MrKelada,doubtlesstosetmeatmycase,usednosuchformality.IdidnotlikeMrKelada.Ihadputasidethecardswhenhesatdown,butnow,thinkingthatforthisfirstoccasionourconversationhadlastedlongenough,Iwentonwithmygame.“Thethreeonthefour,”saidMrKelada.Thereisnothingmoreexasperatingwhenyouareplayingpatiencethantobetoldwheretoputthecardyouhaveturnedupbeforeyouhavehadachancetolookforyourself.“It’scomingout,it’scomingout,”hecried.“Thetenontheknave.”WithrageandhatredinmyheartIfinished.Thenheseizedthepack.“Doyoulikecardtricks?”“No,Ihatecardtricks,”Ianswered.“Well,I’lljustshowyouthisone.”Heshowedmethree.ThenIsaidIwouldgodowntothedining-roomandgetmyseatattable.“Oh,that’sallright,”hesaid.“I’vealreadytakenaseatforyou.Ithoughtthataswewereinthesamestate-roomwemightjustaswellsitatthesametable.”IdidnotlikeMrKelada.Inotonlysharedacabinwithhimandatethreemealsadayatthesametable,butIcouldnotwalkroundthedeckwithouthisjoiningme.Itwasimpossibletosnubhim.Itneveroccurredtohimthathewasnotwanted.Hewascertainthatyouwereasgladtoseehimashewastoseeyou.Inyourownhouseyoumighthavekickedhimdownstairsandslammedthedoorinhisfacewithoutthesuspiciondawningonhimthathewasnotawelcomevisitor.Hewasagoodmixer,andinthreedayskneweveryoneonboard.Heraneverything.Hemanagedthesweeps,conductedtheauctions,collectedmoneyforprizesatthesports,gotupquoitandgolfmatches,organizedtheconcertandarrangedthefancy-dressball.Hewaseverywhereandalways.Hewascertainlythebesthaledmanintheship.WecalledhimMrKnow-All,eventohisface.Hetookitasacompliment.Butitwasatmealtimesthathewasmostintolerable.Forthebetterpartofanhourthenhehadusathismercy.Hewashearty,jovial,loquaciousandargumentative.Hekneweverythingbetterthananybodyelse,anditwasanaffronttohisoverweeningvanitythatyoushoulddisagreewithhim.Hewouldnotdropasubject,howeverunimportant,tillhehadbroughtyouroundtohiswayofthinking.Thepossibilitythathecouldbemistakenneveroccurredtohim.Hewasthechapwhoknew.Wesatatthedoctor’stable.MrKeladawouldcertainlyhavehaditallhisownway,forthedoctorwaslazyandIwasfrigidlyindifferent