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Unit1FreshStartEvelynHeraldIfirstbegantowonderwhatIwasdoingonacollegecampusanywaywhenmyparentsdroveoff,leavingmestandingpitifullyinaparkinglot,wantingnothingmorethantofindmywaysafelytomydormroom.ThefactwasthatnomatterhowmatureIlikedtoconsidermyself,Iwasfeelingjustabitfirst-gradish.Addingtomydistresswasthedistinctimpressionthateveryoneoncampuswaswatchingme.MyplanwastokeepmyearsopenandmymouthshutandhopenoonewouldnoticeIwasafreshman.Withthatthoughtinmind,Iraisedmyhead,squaredmyshoulders,andsetoutinthedirectionofmydorm,glancing(andtheneversodiscreetly)atthecampusmapclutchedinmyhand.IttookeverythingIhadnottostarewhenIcaughtmyfirstglimpseofareallivecollegefootballplayer.Whatconfidence,whatreserve,whatmuscles!Ionlyhopedhisattentionwasdrawntomyairsofassuranceratherthantomyshakingknees.IspenttheafternoonseekingouteachofmyclassroomssothatIcouldmakeaperfectlytimedentrancebeforeeachlecturewithouthavingtoaskdumbquestionsaboutitswhereabouts.ThenextmorningIfoundmyfirstclassandmarchedin.OnceIwasintheroom,however,anotherproblemawaitedme.Wheretosit?Freshmenmanualsadvisedsittingnearthefront,showingtheprofessorinintelligentandenergeticdemeanor.Afterdeliberation,Ichoseaseatinthefirstrowandtotheside.Iwasintheforeground(asadvised),butoutoftheprofessor’sdirectlineofvision.IcrackedmyanthologyofAmericanliteratureandscribbledthedateatthetopofacrispruledpage.“WelcometoBiology101,”theprofessorbegan.Acoldsweatbrokeoutonthebackofmyneck.Igropedformyscheduleandcheckedtheroomnumber.Iwasintherightroom.Justthewrongbuilding.Sonowwhat?Getupandleaveinthemiddleofthelecture?Wouldn’ttheprofessorbeangry?Ikneweveryonewouldstare.Forgetit,Isettledintomychairandtriedtoassumethescientificposeofabiologymajor,blendingslightlyforward,tensingmyarmsinpreparationforfuriousnotetaking,andcursingundermybreath.Thebottledsnakesalongthewallshouldhavetippedmeoff.AfterclassIdecidedmystomach(aswellasmyego)neededalittlenourishment,andIhurriedtothecafeteria.Iaccidentallysteppedinalargepuddleofketchup.Keepingmyselfuprightandgettingoutofthemesswasnotgoingtobeeasy,andthisflailingofmyfeetwasdoingnotgood.JustasIdecidedtotryanothermaneuver,myfoodtraytippedandIlostmybalance.Asmyrearendmetthefloor,Isawmyentirelifepassbeforemyeyes:itendedwithmyfirstdayofcollegeclasses.InthesecondsaftermyfallIthoughthowniceitwouldbeifnoonehadnoticed.Butasallthestudentsinthecafeteriacametotheirfeet,tablebytable,cheeringandclapping,Iknewtheyhadnotonlynoticed,theyweredeterminedthatIwouldneverforgetit.SlowlyIkickedoffmyketchup-soakedsandalsandjumpedclearofthetoppledtrayandspilledfood.Acleanupbrigadecamechargingoutofthekitchen,mopsinthehand.Isneakedoutofthecafeteriaasthecheersdieddownbehindme.ForthreedaysIdinedaloneonnothingmorethanhumiliation,shame,andanassortmentofjunkfoodfromamachinestrategicallyplacedoutsidemyroom.OnthefourthdayIcouldn’ttakeanothercrunchy-chewy-saltly-sweetbite.Ineededsomerealfood.Perhapsthreedayswaslongenoughforthecampuspopulationtohaveforgottenme.SoofftothecafeteriaIwent.Imademywaythroughthefoodlineandtiptoedtoatable,whereIcollapsedinrelief.SuddenlyIheardacrashthatsoundedvaguelyfamiliar.IlookeduptoseethatanotherpoorsoulhadmetthefateI’dthoughtwasreservedonlyforme.IwasevenmoresurprisedwhenIsawwhothepoorsoulwas:theverycomposed,veryupperclassfootballplayerI’dseenjustdaysbefore(thoughthedidn’tlookquitesocomposedwearingspaghettionthefrontofhisshirt).Myheartwentouttohimaspeoplebegantocheerandclapastheyhadforme.Hegotup,handsheldhighabovehisheadinavictoryclasp,grinningfromeartoear.IexpectedhimtoslinkoutofthecafeteriaasIhad,butinsteadheturnedaroundandbeganpreparinganothertray.Andthat’swhenIrealizedIhadbeentakingmyselffartooseriously.WhatIhadinterpretedasamaliciousattempttoembarrassanaïvefreshmanhadbeenmerelyamomentofcollegefun.Probablyeveryoneinthecafeteriahaddonesomethingequallydumbwhenheorshewasafreshman－andhadlivedtotellaboutit.WhocaredwhetherIdroppedatray,whereIsatinclass,orevenwhetherIshowedupinthewronglecture?Nobody.Thiswasn’tlikehighschool.Popularitywasnotsoimportant:runningwiththecrowdwasnolongeralawofsurvival.Incollege,itdidn’tmatter.Thiswasmybidchancetodomyownthing,bemyownwoman－ifIcouldgetpastmypreoccupationwithdoingeverythingperfectly.OnceIrecognizedthatIhadnoone’sexpectationstoliveuptobutmyown,Irelaxed.Theshacklesofself-consciousnessfellaway,andIbegantoviewcollegeasawonderfulexperiment.Itriedonnewexperienceslikearticlesofclothing,checkingtheirfitandjudgingtheirworth.Ibrokeafewrulestotestmyconscience.IdressedalittledifferentlyuntilIfoundtheRealMe.Idiscoveredatasteforjazz,andIdecidedIlikegoingbarefoot.Igaveuptryingtoactmywaythroughcollege(thiswasn’tdramaschool)andbegannotactingatall.College,Idecided,wasprobablytheonlytimeIwouldbecompletelyforgivenformassivemistake(includingsteppinginpuddlesofketchupanddroppingfoodtrays).SoIusedtheopportunitytomakealltheonesIthoughtI’dnevermake.Threeyearsaftergraduation,I’mstillmakingmistakes.AndI’mevenbeingforgivenforafew.全新的开始我第一次开始思考我的大学要做些什么，不管怎样我的父母把我送到大学校园便开车离开了，我一个人孤零零地站在停车场，此时此刻我只想平安地找到去我宿舍的道路。一个无法改变的事实是无论我认为自己多么成熟，我都觉得还是有点儿大一新生的稚气。此外我还有一个