快速交友秘诀：适度的分享

---------------------------------------------------------------最新资料推荐------------------------------------------------------1/16快速交友秘诀：适度的分享快速交友秘诀：适度的分享ToCharmAndMakeFriendsFast:Share,Don’tOvershare快速交友秘诀：适度的分享CarlaMadrigalknewnobodyinSeattlewhenshemovedtherelastyearafter38yearsinSanFrancisco.Shewantedtomakenewfriends.‘Itwasprettydevastatingtobesoanonymous,‘the68-year-oldartistsays.Tomeetpeople,Ms.Madrigalmadeherselfgetoutofthehouseeveryday.Shejoinedagymandacommunitygarden,tookyogaclassesandvisitedateahouse.Andalthoughsheconsidersherselfashyperson,shestruckupconversationsonthebusandatthegrocery.Butshestillhadtroublemakinglastingrelationships.Manypeoplewerenice,butshehadnothingincommonwiththem.Othersresistedgettingclose.Thentwomonthsago,Ms.Madrigalwasinastorewhenawomancomplimentedherhair.Theybegantochatanddiscoveredthattheybothlikedtoworkwithtextilesandtowrite.Afterafewminutes,Ms.Madrigaltookarisk:‘Wouldyouliketocomeovertomyhouseforcoffee...now?’sheasked.Thewomanacceptedherinvite--andthetwoarenowclosepals.‘Ithoughtallfriendshipshadtobe‘slowcooking,‘takingyearsofexperiencinglifetogether,‘Ms.Madrigalsays.‘Thisexperiencewasamarvelousrevelation.‘Isitpossibletoforgeanintimatefriendshipquickly?Researchpsychologistssayyes.Tostudyfriendshipinthelab,manyuseaprotocolcalled‘FastFriends,‘whichhelpsstrangersestablish‘interpersonalcloseness’in45minutes.Thekey?Bothsubjectsneedtograduallydisclosepersonalinformation.Here’showitworks:Researchersgivepeopleworkinginpairsthreesetsof12questionswrittenonindexcards.Thequestionsmustbeansweredinorder,withpartnerstakingturnsansweringeachquestion.Questionsinthefirstsetareonlyslightlypersonal(‘Beforemakingatelephonecall,doyoueverrehearsewhatyouaregoingtosay?’‘Whendidyoulastsingtoyourself?Tosomeoneelse?’).Inthesecondset,theyarealittlemorepersonal(‘Whatisyourmostterriblememory?’‘Istheresomethingthatyou’vedreamedofdoingforalongtime?Whyhaven’tyoudoneit?’).Thelastsetispersonal(‘Whendidyoulastcryinfrontofanotherperson?Byyourself?’‘Ofallthepeopleinyourfamily,whosedeathwouldyoufindthemostdisturbing?’).Eachsetofquestionsalsoincludesa---------------------------------------------------------------最新资料推荐------------------------------------------------------3/16relationship-buildingexercise(‘Tellyourpartnerwhatyoulikeaboutthem’).Thepointistobuildconnectiongradually,evenifit’shappeningina45-minutewindow.‘Youwanttobeslowandreciprocal,‘saysArthurAron,professorofpsychologyatStonyBrookUniversity,inNewYork,whodevelopedtheprotocol.‘Ifyoudisclosetoomuchtoofast,youputsomeoneoff.‘Notsurehowtofindthesweetspotbetweendisclosingtoolittleanddisclosingtoomuch?Rememberhowbadlyyouwantedtogetofftheplanethelasttimesomeoneinthenextseatdownloadedwaytoomuchinformation.Oversharingisoftenseenasone-sided,overwhelmingandsociallyinappropriate,Dr.Aronsays.Howcanyoutellifyouaredoingit?Theotherpersonmayseemtense,fidgetyoratalossforwords.TheFastFriendstechniquecanbeusedtoimprovebusinessconnections,relationshipsbetweenneighborsandromanticbonds,Dr.Aronsays.Researchershaveuseditwhenstudyinghowtocreateclosenessbetweenindividualsofdifferentethnicbackgroundsandbetweengroupsthatoftendistrusteachother(forexample,policeofficersandresidentsoflow-incomeneighborhoods).I’vemadegreatfriendsquicklywhilecondohunting,waitinginlinetovoteandinterviewingpeopleforthiscolumn.Ofcourse,noteveryefforthasbeenasuccess.There’saspecialsparkorchemistrythathastobethere.WhenImeetsomeoneIthinkImightliketoknowbetter,mysecretistosharesomethingaboutmyselfthatisbothpersonalandmaybealittleembarrassingorself-deprecating(IoftentellpeoplethatIamdivorced.)Thattendstosparktheircuriosityandopenthemup.Imadeoneofthebestfriendshipsofmylifeoverjustonelunch.IwasstressedandconfusedaboutanencounterI’dhadthenightbeforewithamanI’djustmetbutreallyliked.Mylunchcompanionwasasocialpsychologist,luckilyforme,whoseresearchIthoughtImightwanttowriteabout.Beforewe’devenordered,IaskedhimifIcouldgethisopiniononsomethingpersonal,buttoldhimIwouldonlyfeelcomfortablesharingifhewouldthentellmesomethingabouthimself.Thatlunchbecamethebeginningofmanyhoursofmutualsupportandlaughter.‘Theonlywaytoestablishintimacyistobewillingtoopenupaboutyourself,‘saysDavidBakke,46,aneditoratapersonal-financewebsite.‘Oncebothpartiesseeaninitialconnection,it’squiteeasytoopenupaboutmoreintimatedetails.‘OneofMr.Bakke’sclosestfriends,hesays,isaformerco-worker,---------------------------------------------------------------最新资料推荐------------------------------------------------------5/16amanalmost15yearshisjuniorwhobecameafriendwithinamatterofdays.Althoughsomeofhiscolleaguesteasedhimabouttheagedifference,Mr.Bakkesays,hevaluesthefriendshipbecausethetwocantalkaboutbothworkandpersonalissues.WhenMs.Madrigal’snewfriend,SusanHanover,61,cametoherhouseonthedaytheymet,theytalkedaboutartandtheircreativeprojects.‘Themoreshetalkedaboutherself,themoreIrealizedsheislikeme,‘Ms.Madrigalsays.Beforelong,Ms.Hanoverhintedaboutasadtimeinherownlife.ThenMs.Madrigalsharedastoryshedoesn’toftentell,abouttheendofherfirstmarriageandhowshehadtorebuildherlif