super-kids-and-superproblems

Notsolongago,mostparentswantedtheirkidstobelikeeverybodyelse.Theywereoftenasupsetifachildwereprecociousastheywereifthechildwereslow.Precocitywaslookeduponasbeingbadforthechild’spsychologicalhealth.Theassumptionwas“earlyripe,earlyrot.”Nowthathaschanged.Formanyparentstodaythereisnosuchthingasgoingtoofast,andtheirmajorconcernisthattheirchildstayaheadofthepack.Farfrompresumingthatprecocityhasbadeffectspsychologically,theybelievethatbeingabovethenormbringsmanybenefits.Theassumptionis“earlyripe,earlyrich!”Themajorconsequenceofthisnewparentingpsychologyisthatmanycontemporaryparentsareputtingtremendouspressureonchildrentoperformatever-earlierages.Afirstgradeteachertoldmethatanangrymotherscreamedatherbecauseshehadgiventhewoman’ssona“Satisfactory.”“HowisheevergoingtogetintoM.I.T.ifyougivehima‘Satisfactory?’”themotherwailed.Manyparentsnowenrolltheirchildinprestigiousnurseryschoolsassoonasthepregnancyisconfirmed.Andoncethechildisoldenough,theycoachthechildforthescreeninginterview.“Whentheycounteverythinginsight,”onenurseryschooldirectorsaid,“youknowtheyhavebeendrilledbeforetheinterview.”ParentsbelievethatonlyifthechildgetsintothisorthatprestigiousnurseryschoolwillheorsheeverhaveachanceatgettingintoHarvard,Yale,orStanford.Forthesamereason,ourelementaryschoolsaresuddenlyfilledwithyoungstersinenrichedandacceleratedprograms.Itisnotjustinacademicstudythatchildrenarebeingpushedharderatever-earlierages.SomeparentsstarttheirpreschoolchildreninsportssuchastennisandswimminginhopesthattheywillbecomeOlympicathletes.Ayoungmanwhoattendedoneofmychilddevelopmentlecturesstoppedbyafterwardtoaskmeaquestion.HeworksasatennisinstructoratanexclusiveresorthotelinFloridaandwantedtoknowhowtomotivatehisstudents.WhenIaskedhowoldtheywerehetoldmethattheyrangedinagefromthreetofiveyears!Thepressuretomakeordinarychildrenexceptionalhasbecomealmostanepidemicinsports.Ihadhighhopesforsoccer,whichcanbeplayedbyallmakesandmodelsofchildren,big,small,andinbetween.Butinmoststatessoccerhasbecomeascompetitiveandselectiveasbaseball,football,andhockey.Thestarmentalityprevails,andthelesstalentedyoungstersimplydoesn’tgettoparticipate.Playisoutandcompetitionisin.Thepressureforexceptionalityisequallypowerfulatthesecondarylevel.Highschoolstudentsarepressurednotonlytogetgoodgradesbuttogetintoasmanyadvanced-placementclasses***ossible.Aroundthecountryprivatetutoringcentersaresproutinguplikedandelionsinthespring,offeringlessonsineverythingfrombeginningreadingtotakingcollegeentranceexams.Otherparentsurgetheirchildrentostartdatingatanearlyagesothattheywillhavegoodinterpersonalskillsandabetterchancetowinthemosteligiblemates.Clearly,thereisnothingwrongwithwantingchildrentodotheirbest.Itisnotthenormal,healthydesireofparentstohavesuccessfulchildrenthatistheproblem,buttheexcessivepressuresomeparentsareputtingonchildren.Whythispushforexcellence?Sinceparentstodayarehavingfewerchildrentheirchancesofhaving“achildtobeproudof”arelowerthanwhenfamilieswerelarger.Thecostofchildrearinghasalsoincreaseddramatically,soasuccessfulchildalsoprotectsone’sinvestment.Butmostofall,manyoftoday’sparentshavecarvedouttheirownsuccessfulcareersandfeelverymuchinchargeoftheirlives.Theyseenoreasontheyshouldnottakechargeofchildrearinginthesamemannerandwiththesamesuccess.Asuccessfulchildistheultimateproofoftheirsuccess.Theresultisthatmanyparentsarefartoointrusive.Bydecidingwhatandwhenchildrenshouldlearn,theyrobthemoftheopportunitytotaketheinitiative,totakeresponsibilityfortheirmistakesandcreditfortheirachievements.Suchpracticesruntheriskofproducingchildrenwhoaredependentandlackinginself-esteem.Today’sparentswantsuperkids,butwhattheyareoftengettingaresuperproblems.Althoughcorrelationiscertainlynotcausation,itishardnottoconnectthereportedincreaseinstresssymptomsoverthelastdecadewiththepressureontoday’schildrentobesuperkids.ThestoriesIhearasItravelaboutthecountryarefrightening.Agirlwhowasinvolvedinfourdifferentout-of-schoolactivities(ballet,horsebackriding,Brownies,andmusiclessons)developedseverefacialticsatageeight.IrvingSigelofEducationalTestingServicetellsthestoryofasix-year-oldwho,whiledoingherhomework,askedhermother,“IfIdon’tgetthereright,willyoukillme?”Awomantoldmethatherseven-year-oldgrandsonranawayfromhome(andalltheafter-schoollessons)andcametoherhouse,wherehecouldhavemilkandcookiesandplaywiththedog.OnemotheraskedmeifIcouldcurehersix-year-oldsonofhisnailbitingbyhypnosisorbyteachinghimrelaxation.WhenIsuggestedthatalessdemandingextracurricularprogrammighthelp,shereplied,“Ohno,wecan’tdothat.”Suchchildbehaviorproblemsaresymptomaticofourtimes.Ourtroubleisthatwealwaysseemtogotoextremes.Parentsareeithertoopermissiveortoopushy.Healthychildrearingdemandsamiddleground.Certainlyweneedtomakedemandsonourchildren.Buttheyhavetobetailoredtothechild’sinterestsandabilities.Weputourchildrenatriskforshort-termstressdisordersandlong-termpersonalityproblemswhenweignoretheirindividualityandimposeourownpriorities“fortheirowngood.”Ibelievethatweneedtoabandonthefalsenotionsthatwecancreateexceptionalchildrenbyearlyinstruction,andtha