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Unit2WHYISITSOHARDFORMENANDWOMENTOTALK男女交谈为何如此困难IwasaddressingasmallgatheringinasuburbanVirginialivingroom--awomen'sgroupthathadinvitedmentojointhem.Throughouttheevening,onemanhadbeenparticularlytalkative,frequentlyofferingideasandanecdotes,whilehiswifesatsilentlybesidehimonthecouch.Towardtoendoftheevening,Icommentedthatwomenfrequentlycomplainthattheirhusbandsdonottalktothem.Thismanquicklyconcurred.Hegesturedtowardhiswifeandsaid,Sheisthetalkerinourfamily.Theroomburstintolaughter;themanlookedpuzzledandhurt.Itistrue,heexplained.WhenIcomehomefromworkIhavenothingtosay.Ifshedidnotkeeptheconversationgoing,wewouldspendthewholeeveninginsilence.那是在弗吉尼亚郊区一个住所的客厅里，我正在一次小型聚会上发言——这是一次女性的聚会，但也邀请了男性参加。整晚，一位男士表现得极为健谈，他不断地发表自己的看法，讲述奇闻轶事。而他的妻子却安静地坐在他身旁的沙发上。聚会接近尾声时，我说，一些妻子经常抱怨丈夫不与她们交谈，这位男士立刻表示同意。他指着妻子说：“在家里爱说话的是她。”于是满屋子哄堂大笑，这位男士一脸茫然和委屈。“这是真的，”他解释说，“我下班回家后总是无话可说，如果她不说话，我们会整晚沉默。”ThisepisodecrystallizestheironythatalthoughAmericanmentendtotalkmorethanwomeninpublicsituations,theyoftentalklessathome.Andthispatterniswreakinghavocwithmarriage.这段小插曲反映了一种具有讽刺意味的现象，即美国的男性尽管在公共场合比女性健谈，在家里却比女性说话少。而正是这一现象使婚姻受到严重威胁。SociologistCatherineKohierRiessman,whoreportedinhernewbookDivorceTalkthatmostofthewomensheinterviewed--butonlyafewofthemen--givethelackofcommunicationasthereasonfortheirdivorces.社会学家凯瑟琳·凯尔·里兹曼在她的新作《离婚谈》中说，她采访过的大多数女性将离婚的原因归咎于缺乏交谈，但只有少数男性将此当作离婚的理由。Inmyownresearch,complaintsfromwomenabouttheirhusbandsmostoftenfocusednotontangibleinequitiessuchashavinggiveupthechanceforacareertoaccompanyahusbandtohis,ordoingfarmorethantheirshareofdailylife.Instead,theyfocusedoncommunication:Hedoesnotlistentome,Hedoesnottalktome.Ifoundthatmostwiveswanttheirhusbandstobe,firstandforemost,conversationalpartners,butfewhusbandssharethisexpectationoftheirwives.在我本人的研究中，女性对丈夫的抱怨大多不是集中在一些实际的不平等现象，例如为了跟随丈夫的事业而放弃了发展自己事业的机会，或者她们所承担的日常生活琐事远远超过她们份内的部分。她们的抱怨总是集中在交流问题上，如“他不听我说话”，“他不和我说话”。我发现多数做妻子的都期望丈夫首先是自己的交谈伙伴。但是很少有丈夫对妻子抱有同样的期望。Inshort,theimagethatrepresentsthecurrentcrisisisthestereotypicalcartoonsceneofamansittingatthebreakfasttablewithanewspaperheldupinfrontofhisface,whileawomanglaresatthebackofit,wantingtotalk.简言之，最能体现目前这种危机的是一个老套的卡通画面：一个男人坐在早餐桌旁，手中拿着一张报纸看着，而他的妻子愤怒地盯着报纸背面，渴望与他交谈。LinguisticBattleBetweenMenandWomen两性间的唇枪舌剑Howcanwomenandmenhavesuchdifferentimpressionsofcommunicationinmarriage?Whyisthereawidespreadimbalanceintheirinterestsandexpectations?在婚姻中的交流问题上，为何男女会持有如此不同的观点?为什么男女的兴趣和期望普遍不一致?IntheApril1990issueofAmericanPsychologist,StanfordUniversity'sEleanorMaccobyreportstheresultsofherownandothers'researchshowingthatchildren'sdevelopmentismostinfluencedbythesocialstructureofpeerinteraction.Boysandgirlstendtoplaywithchildrenoftheirowngender,andtheirsex-separategroupshavedifferentorganizationalstructuresandinteractivenorms.斯坦福大学的埃莉诺·麦科比在1990年4月《美国心理学家》刊物上发表了她自己和他人研究的结果。研究结果表明，儿童的发展主要受同龄伙伴交往过程中社交结构的影响。无论男孩女孩都喜欢与同性伙伴玩耍。不同性别的儿童小群体有不同的组织结构和交际准则。Ibelievethatsystematicdifferencesinchildhoodsocializationmaketalkbetweenwomenandmenlikecross-culturalcommunication.Myresearchonmen'sandwomen'sconversationsuncoveredpatternssimilartothosedescribedforchildren'sgroups.我相信，儿童时代社交过程中的不同规则，导致了两性间的交谈如同跨文化交流一样难。我本人通过对男女对话的研究发现，成年男女对话的模式类似于儿童群体交流过程中的模式。Forwomen,asforgirls,intimacyisthefabricoftherelationships,andtalkisthethreadfromwhichiswoven.Littlegirlscreateandmaintainfriendshipsbyexchangingsecrets;similarly,womenregardconversationasthecornerstoneoffriendship.Soawomanexpectsherhusbandtobeanewandimprovedversionofabestfriend.Whatisimportantisnottheindividualsubjectsthatarediscussedbutthesenseofcloseness,ofalifeshared,thatemergeswhenpeopletelltheirthoughts,feelings,andimpressions.成年女性同女孩一样，彼此亲密是她们感情关系的纽带。而交谈是编织这种纽带的线。小女孩通过相互交换秘密来建立和维持友谊。同样，成年女性也把交谈看作友谊的基础。因此，女性期望丈夫成为自己新的、更好的知心朋友。对她们来说重要的不是某个具体的讨论话题，而是在说出自己的想法、感受和印象时所表现出来的那种亲密的、分享生活的感觉。Bondsbetweenboyscanbeasintenseasgirls',buttheyarebasedlessontakingmoreondoingthingstogether.Sincetheydonotassumetalkisthecementthatbindsarelationship,mendonotknowwhatkindoftalkwomenwant,andtheydonotmissitwhenitisnotthere.男孩间的关系和女孩一样紧密。但男孩间的关系与其说建立在交谈基础上，不如说建立在共同动手基础上。既然他们不认为交谈能够巩固感情关系，他们不知道女人需要何种交谈，也不会因为没有交谈而感到遗憾。Boys'groupsarelarger,moreinclusive,andmorehierarchical,soboysmuststruggletoavoidthesubordinatepositioninthegroup.Thismayplayaroleinwomen'scomplaintsonmendonotlistentothem.男孩的群体比女孩的要大，所包括的人更广泛，也更具有等级特色。因此，男孩们势必要努力争取不在群体中处于从属地位。这也许是为什么女人抱怨男人不听她们说话的根源之一。Oftenwhenwomentellmen,Youarenotlistening,andthemenprotestIam,themenareright.Theimpressionofnotlisteningresultsfrommisalignmentsinthemechanicsconversation.Thismisalignmentsbeginsassoonasamanandawomantakephysicalposition.WhenIstudiedvideotapesmadebypsychologistBruceDorvalofchildrenandadultstalkingtotheirsame-sexbestfriends,Ifoundateveryage,thegirlsandwomenfacedeachotherdirectly,theireyesanchoredoneachother'sfaces.Ateveryage,theboysandmensatatanglestoeachotherandlookedelsewhereintheroom,periodicallyglancingateachother.Butthetendencyofmentofaceawaycangivewomentheimpressiontheyarenotlisteningevenwhentheyare.Ayoungwomanincollegewasfrustrated:whenevershetoldherboyfriendshewantedtotalktohim,hewouldlied