Theycalleditgolfbecausealltheotherfourletterwordsweretaken.WalterHagen.Ketchupleftovernightondinnerplateshasalongerhalf-lifethanradioactivewaste.WesSmith.SubmittedbyKeithEllingtonOnedayyourlifewillpassbeforeyoureyes,makesureitisworthwatching...DublinUniversitycontainsthecreamofIreland-richandthick.SamuelBeckettAfellowwiththeinventivenessofAlbertEinsteinbutwiththeattentionspanofDaffyDuck.TomShalestalkingaboutRobinWilliamsChamberlainseemedsuchaniceoldgentlemanthatIthoughtIwouldgivehimmyautograph.AdolfHitler.Allyouneedislove.Butalittlechocolatenowandthendoesn'thurt.CharlesM.SchulzWagner'smusicisbetterthanitsounds.MarkTwainImmaturepoetsimitate;maturepoetssteal.TSEliot.Mymotherlovedchildren-shewouldhavegivenanythingifIhadbeenone.GrouchoMarxThereasontherearetwosenatorsforeachstateissothatonecanbethedesignateddriver.JayLenoWoeuntoyoualso,lawyers!foryelademenwithburdensgrievoustobeborne.JesusEverwonderifilliteratepeoplegetthefulleffectofalphabetsoup?JohnMendosa.Theconcertisapoliteformofselfinducedtorture.HenryMiller.Irant,thereforeIam.DennisMillerImagineifeveryThursdayyourshoesexplodedifyoutiedthemtheusualway.Thishappenstousallthetimewithcomputers,andnobodythinksofcomplaining.JeffRaskin.You'llnoticethatNancyReaganneverdrinkswaterwhenRonniespeaks.RobinWilliams.Therearethreekindsoflies:lies,damnedliesandstatistics.BenjaminDisraeliIdon'tthinkanyoneshouldwritetheirautobiographyuntilafterthey'redead.SamuelGoldwynMyfakeplantsdiedbecauseIdidnotpretendtowaterthem.MitchHedbergIamtheliteraryequivalentofaBigMacandFries.StephenKingChinaisabigcountry,inhabitedbymanyChinese.FormerFrenchPresidentCharlesdeGaulle.HelookedatforeignaffairsthroughthewrongendofamunicipaldrainpipeOnNevilleChamberlainWinstonChurchillIloveMickeyMousemorethananywomanIhaveeverknown.WaltDisneyProgrammingtodayisaracebetweensoftwareengineersstrivingtobuildbiggerandbetteridiot-proofprograms,andtheUniversetryingtoproducebiggerandbetteridiots.Sofar,theUniverseiswinning.RichCook.Iwasmarriedbyajudge-Ishouldhaveaskedforajury.GeorgeBurnsOnlythosewhoattempttheabsurdcanachievetheimpossible.Ifyou'renotfailingeverynowandagain,it'sasignyou'renotdoinganythingveryinnovative.WoodyAllenI'malwaysamazedtohearofaircrashvictimssobadlymutilatedthattheyhavetobeidentifiedbytheirdentalrecords.WhatIcan'tunderstandis,iftheydon'tknowwhoyouare,howdotheyknowwhoyourdentistis?PaulMerton.AhackwriterwhowouldhavebeenconsideredfourthrateinEurope,whotriedoutafewoftheoldproven'sure-fire'literaryskeletonswithsufficientlocalcolortointriguethesuperficialandthelazy.WilliamFaulkneronMarkTwainIthought'DeepThroat'wasamovieaboutagiraffe.BobHopeWomenrepresentthetriumphofmatterovermind,justasmenrepresentthetriumphofmindovermorals.OscarWildeAsfarasthelawsofmathematicsrefertoreality,theyarenotcertain;andasfarastheyarecertain,theydonotrefertoreality.AlbertEinsteinThelasttimeIwasinSpainIgotthroughsixJeffreyArchernovels.Imustremembertotakeenoughtoiletpapernexttime.BobMonkhouse.[Thetelevisionis]aninventionthatpermitsyoutobeentertainedinyourlivingroombypeopleyouwouldn'thaveinyourhome.DavidFrostDon'tgetsuckeredinbythecomments—theycanbeterriblymisleading.Debugonlycode.DaveStorerIlovetogotoWashington-ifonlytobenearmymoney.BobHopeModernartiswhathappenswhenpaintersstoplookingatgirlsandpersuadethemselvestheyhaveabetteridea.JohnCiardi.Iamfreeofallprejudices.Ihateeveryoneequally.WCFields.Boxingisalotofwhitemenwatchingtwoblackmenbeateachotherup.MuhammadAli.Ifailedtomakethechessteambecauseofmyheight.WoodyAllen.IncometaxhasmadeliarsoutofmoreAmericansthangolf.WillRogersAcomputeroncebeatmeatchess,butitwasnomatchformeatkickboxing.EmoPhilipsSubmittedbyInahCabidogIneverfinishanythi...OnlyLawyersandmentaldefectivesareautomaticallyexemptforjuryduty.GeorgeBernardShawDucttapeisliketheforce.Ithasalightside,adarkside,anditholdstheuniversetogether.OprahWinfreyWe'dallliketovoteforthebestmanbuthe'sneveracandidate.KinHubbard.UNIXisbasicallyasimpleoperatingsystem,butyouhavetobeageniustounderstandthesimplicity.DennisRitchie.Nevertakelifetooseriously.Nobodygetsoutaliveanyway.AuthorUnknownIhaveorderstobeawakenedatanytimeinthecaseofanationalemergency,evenifI'minacabinetmeeting.RonaldReagan.Iwanttosharesomethingwithyou:Thethreelittlesentencesthatwillgetyouthroughlife.Number1:Coverforme.Number2:Oh,goodidea,Boss!Number3:ItwaslikethatwhenIgothere.HomerSimpsonSomeonetoldmethateachequationIincludedinthebookwouldhalvethesalesStephenHawking.Martyrdom:Theonlywayamancanbecomefamouswithoutability.GeorgeBernardShawLastweekIstatedthatthiswomanwastheugliestwomanIhadeverseen.Ihavesincebeenvisitedbyhersisterandnowwishtowithdrawthatstatement.MarkTwainWhenIwasaboytheDeadSeawasonlysick.GeorgeBurnsTheword'aerobics'cameaboutwhenthegyminstructorsgottogetherandsaid:Ifwe'regoingtocharge$10anhour,wecan'tcallitJumpingupanddown.RitaRudner.Starteverydayoffwithasmileandgetitoverwith.W.C.FieldsI'mnotgoingtohavesomereporterspawingthroughourpapersWearethepresident.HillaryClinton.Thisfilmcost$31million.WiththatkindofmoneyIcouldhaveinvadedsomecountry.ClintEastwood.TheIrishgave