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Unit13MarriageRobertLynd1“Conventionalpeople,”saysMr.BertrandRussell,“liketopretendthatdifficultiesinregardtomarriageareanewthing.”Icouldnothelpwondering,asIreadthissentence,whereonecanmeettheseconventionalpeoplewhothink,orpretendtothink,asconventionalpeopledo.Ihaveknownhundredsofconventionalpeople,andIcannotrememberoneofthemwhothoughtthethingsconventionalpeopleseemtothink.Theywereall,forexample,convincedthatmarriagewasastatebesetwithdifficulties,andthatthesedifficultieswereasold,ifnotasthehills,atleastasthedayonwhichAdamlostaribandgainedawife.Ayoungergenerationofconventionalpeoplehasgrownupinrecentyears,anditmaybethattheyhavearosierconceptionofmarriagethantheirancestors;buttheconventionalpeopleoftheVictorianerawereundernoillusionsonthesubject.TheircynicalattitudetomarriagemaybegatheredfromtheenthusiasticreceptiontheygavetoPunch’sadvicetothoseabouttomarry－“Don’t.”2Idoubt,indeed,whetherthehorrorsofmarriagewereeverdepictedmorecruellythanduringtheconventionalnineteenthcentury.Thecomicpapersandmusic-hallsmadethemiseriesastandingdish.“Youcanalwaystellwhetheraman’smarriedorsinglefromthewayhe’sdressed,”saidthecomedian.“Lookatthesingleman:nobuttonsonhisshirt.Lookatthemarriedman:noshirt.”Thehumourwascrude;butitwenthometothehonestVictorianheart.Ifmarriageweretobejudgedbythesongsconventionalpeopleusedtosingaboutitinthemusic-halls,itwouldseemahellmainlypopulatedbytwinsandleech-likemothers-in-law.TherareexperiencesofDarbyandJoanwere,itistrue,occasionallyhymned,reducingstrongmensmellingstronglyofalcoholtoreverentsilence;but,onthewhole,theaudiencefeltmorenormalwhenacomediancameoutwithananti-maritalrefrainsuchas:OwhydidIleavemylittlebackroomInBloomsbury,WhereIcouldliveonapoundaweekInluxury(Iforgetthenextline).ButsinceIhavemarriedMaria,I’vejumpedoutofthefrying-panIntothebloomingfire.3Nodifficulties?Why,theverynigger-minstrelsofmyboyhoodusedtoopentheirperformancewithachoruswhichbegan:Married!Married!Opitythosewho’remarried.Thosewhogoandtakeawifemustbeverygreen.4Itispossiblethatthecomediansexaggerated,andthatVictorianwiveswerenotallviragoswithpokers,whobeattheirtipsyhusbandsforstayingouttoolate.ButatleasttheyandtheiraudiencesrefrainedfrompaintingmarriageasaninevitableParadise.EventheclergywouldgonofartherthantosaythatmarriagesweremadeinHeaven.Thattheydidnotbelievethatmarriagenecessarilyendedthereisshownbythefactthatoneofthemwrotea“best-seller”bearingthetitleHowtoBeHappyThoughMarried.5Idoubt,indeed,whethercommonopinioninanyagehaseverlookedonmarriageasanuntroubledParadise.Iconsultedadictionaryofquotationsonthesubjectanddiscoveredthatfewoftheopinionsquotedwererose-coloured.Theseopinions,itmaybeobjected,aretheopinionsofunconventionalpeople,butitisalsotruethattheyareopinionstreasuredandkeptalivebyconventionalpeople.WehavethereputedsayingofthehenpeckedSocrates,forexample,whenaskedwhetheritwasbettertomarryornot:“Whicheveryoudo,youwillrepent.”WehaveMontaignewriting:“Ithappensasoneseesincages.Thebirdsoutsidedespairofevergettingin;thoseinsideareequallydesirousofgettingout.”Baconisnomoreprenuptialwithhiscausticquotation:“Hewasreputedoneofthewisementhatmadeanswertothequestionwhenamanshouldmarry:‘Ayoungmannotyet;aneldermannotatall.’”Burtonisfarfromencouraging!“Onewasnevermarried,andthat’shishell;anotheris,andthat’shisplague.”Pepysscribbledinhisdiary:“Strangetosaywhatdelightwemarriedpeoplehavetoseethesepoorfolkdecoyedintoourcondition.”6ThepiousJeremyTaylorwasaskeenlyawarethatmarriageisnotallbliss.“Marriage,”hedeclared,“hathinitlessofbeautyandmoreofsafetythanthesinglelife－ithathmorecarebutlessdanger;itismoremerryandmoresad;itisfullerofsorrowsandfullerofjoys.”ThesentimentalandoptimisticSteelecandonobetterthan:“Themarriagestate,withandwithouttheaffectionsuitabletoit,isthecompletestimageofHeavenandHellwearecapableofreceivinginthislife.”7Rousseaudeniedthataperfectmarriagehadeverbeenknown.“Ihaveoftenthought,”hewrote,“thatifonlyonecouldprolongthejoyofloveinmarriageweshouldhaveparadiseonearth.Thatisathingwhichhasneverbeenhitherto.”Dr.Johnsonisnotquotedinthedictionary;buteveryonewillrememberhow,devotedhusbandthoughhewas,hedeniedthatthestateofmarriagewasnaturaltoman.“Sir,”hedeclared,“itissofarfrombeingnaturalforamanandwomantoliveinastateofmarriagethatwefindallthemotiveswhichtheyhaveforremaininginthatconnexionandtherestraintswhichcivilisedsocietyimposestopreventseparationarehardlysufficienttokeepthemtogether.＂8Whenonereadsthethingsthathavebeensaidaboutmarriagefromonegenerationtoanother,onecannotbutbeamazedatthecouragewithwhichtheyounggoonmarrying.Almosteverybody,conventionalandunconventional,seemstohavepaintedthetroublesofmarriageinthedarkestcolours.Sopessimisticweretheconventionalnovelistsofthenineteenthcenturyaboutmarriagethattheyseldomdaredtoprolongtheirstoriesbeyondtheweddingbells.Marriedpeopleinplaysandnovelsareseldomenviable,and,astimegoeson,theyseemtogetmoreandmoremiserable.Evenconventionalpeoplenowadaysenjoythestoryofathoroughlyunhappymarriage.Itisonlyfairtosay,however,thatinmoderntimesweliketoimaginethatnearlyeverybody,singleaswellasmarried,