You-Just-Dont-Understand

YouJustDon'tUnderstand1YouJusDon'tUNDERSTANDBy:DeborahTannen,Ph.D.Synopsis:DeborahTannenusestellingexamplestostunninglydemonstratehowevenintheclosestofrelationshipswomenandmenliveindifferentworldsmadeofdifferentwords.ThedeftwaysheelucidateshowourcomplexverbalgiveandtakeworksordoesnotworkandshowshowthesexescanunraveltheirtangledlanguagehasmadeYouJustDon'tUnderstandaculturalphenomenonandhaskeptitontheNewYorkTimesbestsellerlistforover4years.AlsobyDeborahTannen:That'sNotwhatIMeantScholarlyBooks:TalkingVoices:Repetition,Dialogue,andImageryinConversationalDiscourseConversationalStyle:AnalyzingTalkAmongFriendsLilikaNakosLinguisticsinContext:ConnectingObservationandUnderstanding(Editor)LanguagesandLinguistics:TheInterdependenceofTheory,Data,andApplication(Co-EditorwithJamesE.Alatis)PerspectivesonSilence(Co-EditorwithMurielSaville-Troike)CoherenceinSpokenandWrittenDiscourse(Editor)SpokenandWrittenLanguage:ExploringOralityandLiteracy(Editor)AnalyzingDiscourse:TextandTalk(Editor)2YouJusDon'tUNDERSTANDWomenandMeninConversationDeborahTannen,.).BallantineBooksNewYorkSaleofthisbookwithoutafrontcovermaybeunauthorized.ifthisbookiscoverless,itmayhavebeenreportedtothepublisherasunsoldordestroyedandneithertheauthornorthepublishermayhavereceivedpaymentforit.Copyright1990byDeborahTannen,Ph.D.AllrightsreservedunderInternationalandPan-AmericanCopyrightConventions.PublishedintheUnitedStatesbyBallantineBooks,adivisionofRandomHouse,Inc.,NewYork,anddistributedinCanadabyRandomHouseofCanadaLimited,Toronto.ThiseditionpublishedbyarrangementwithWilliamMorrowandCompany,Inc.AnnLanders'scolumnreprintedwithpermissionofAnnLanders,CreatorsandLosAngelesTimesSyndicates.IntheCrookofHisNeckfromCirclingHome,copyright1989byCherylRomney-Brown.Reprintedbypermission.ExcerptsfromTheWhistleBlower'sMorningAfter,copyright1986byTheNewYorkTimesCompany.Reprintedbypermission.ExcerptsfromFearofFlyingbyEricaJong,copyright1973byEricaMannJong.ReprintedbypermissionofHenryHoltandCompany,Inc.ExcerptfromTheAccidentalTouristbyAnneTyler,copyright1985byAnneTylerModar-ressi.ReprintedbypermissionofAlfredA.Knopf,Inc.ExcerptsfromScenesfromaMarriagebyIngmarBergman,translatedbyAlanBlair,Englishtranslationcopyright1974byAlanBlair.3ReprintedbypermissionofPantheonBooks,adivisionofRandomHouse,Inc.ExcerptsfromInaDifjCrentVoicebyCarolGilligan,copyrightbyCarolGilligan.ReprintedbypermissionoftheauthorandHarvardUniversityPress.Allrightsreserved.ExcerptsfromYou'reUglyToobyLorrieMoore,copyright1989byLorrieMoore.Reprintedbypermission.OriginallypublishedinTheNewYorkerExcerptsfromVolponebyJaneShapiro,copyright1987byJaneShapiro.Reprintedbypermission.OriginallypublishedinTheNeuYorkerExcerptsfromGrownUps,copyrightbyJulesFeiffer.UsedbypermissionofTheLantzCompany.LibraryofCongressCatalogCardNumber:90-93519ISBN:0-345-37205-(/CoverdesignbyJamesR.HarrisCoverphotographbyMarciaLippmanManufacturedintheUnitedStatesofAmericaFirstBallantineBooksEdition:June199140393837363534333231TOMYFATHERANDMOTHERSOURCEANDSUSTENANCECONTENTSACKNOWLEDGMENTSPREFACEONEDifferentWords,DifferentWorldsTWOAsymmetries:WomenandMenTalkingatCross-purposesTHREEPutDownThatPaperandTalktoMe!Rapport-talkandReport-talkFOURGossipFIVE'TI1ExplainIttoYou:LecturingandListeningSIXCommunityandContest:StylesinConflictSEVENWho'sInterrupting?IssuesofDominanceandControlEIGHTDamnedIfYouDoNINELookatMeWhenI'mTalkingtoYou!:CrossTalkAcrosstheAgesTENLivingwithAsymmetry:OpeningLinesofCommunicationNOTESACKNOWLEDGMENTSNousualthanksaresufficienttoacknowledgemydebttothegenerouscolleagueswhoreaddraftsofthisbookandimproveditwiththeircomments.Forthesegiftsoftimeandattention,IamgratefultoA.L.Becker,PenelopeEckert,RalphFasold,MichaelGeis,KarlGoldstein,RobinLakoff,NealNorrick,SusanPhilips,NaomiTannen,BarrieThorne,andDavidWise.MydebttoRobinLakoffgoesfurtherback.Thepioneerinlinguisticresearchonlanguageandgender,sheprovidedastartingpointforme,andforagenerationofscholars,byblazingatrailthathassincebranchedintomanydivergingpathsofinquiry.Hercourseatthe1973LinguisticInstitutelargelyinspiredmetobecomealinguistandtochooseasmytraininggroundtheUniversityofCalifornia,Berkeley,whereshewasoneofmyteachers.Shehasremainedafriend,ageneroussupporter,andamodelofascholarwhopursuestheoreticalresearchwithoutlosingsightofitspracticalimplications.MygratitudetoRalphFasoldisalsofarranging.Hehasbeenacontinuingandcherishedsourceofintellectualsupportandchallenge,engagingmeindialogueonmyresearchandofferingilluminatingperspectives,examples,andsourcesfromhisown--aswellasinvaluablecomputerconsulting.IamgratefultoGeorgetownUniversityforprovidingmewiththisperfectcolleagueandfriend.AlsoatGeorgetown,IthankJamesAlatis,deanoftheSchoolof5LanguagesandLinguistics;mycolleaguesinthesociolinguisticsprogram;andthestudentswhohavelistenedandcontributedtomydevelopingideas.Manyotherswerehelpfulinvitalways,includingreadingandcommentingonpartsofdrafts,givingexamplesfromtheirownexperience,ordiscussingideaswithme.AlthoughIlistthemtogether,eachperson'scontributionisindividuallyappreciated:KatherineAbramovitz,SteveBarish,