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1.Scriptcompiledby„TheBigBangTheory“fans!THEBIGBANGTHEORYbyChuckLorre&BillPradySeason2,Episode3(s02e03)Title:TheBarbarianSublimination---Dialogonly---SHELDONFellowwarriors,thisisSheldortheConqueror.WeareabouttoenterAtzel'sfortress.Now,thisisalongrun,solet'sdoanotherbladdercheck.Allright,Barry,we'llwaitforyouagain,butyoureallyshouldseeadoctor.SheldorisAFK.Penny,areyouexperiencingsomesortofdifficulty?PENNYYes.Ican'tgetmystupiddooropen.SHELDONYouappeartohaveputyourcarkeyinthedoorlock.Areyouawareofthat?PENNYYeah.SHELDONAllright,then.PENNYDamnit,damnit,damnit,damnit,damnit,damnit.SHELDONWoulditbepossibleforyoutodothisalittlemorequietly?PENNYIcan'tgetthedamnkeyout.SHELDONWell,it'snotsurprising.That2.Baldwinlockonyourdoorusestraditionaledge-mountedcylinders,whereasthekeyforyourVolkswagenusesacenter-cylindersystem.PENNYThankyou,Sheldon.SHELDONYou'rewelcome.Pointofinquiry:Whydidyouputyourcarkeyinthedoorlock?PENNYWhy?I'lltellyouwhy.BecausetodayIhadanaudition.Ittookmetwohourstogetthere.Iwaitedanhourformyturn.AndbeforeIcouldevenstart,theytoldmeIlookedtooMidwestforthepart.TooMidwest.Whatthehelldoesthatevenmean?SHELDONWell,theAmericanMidwestwasmostlysettledbyScandinavianandGermanicpeoples,so,theyhaveacharacteristicfacialbonestructure...PENNYIknowwhatitmeans,Sheldon.God,youknow,IhavebeeninL.A.foralmosttwoyearsnow.AndIhaven'tgottenasingleactingjob.I'veaccomplishednothing.Haven'tgottenaraiseatwork.Haven'tevenhadsexinsixmonths.Andjustnow,whenIwaswalkingupthosestairs,aflyflewinmymouthandIateit.SHELDONWell,actually,insectsareadietarystapleinmanycultures.They'realmostpureprotein.PENNYOh,sonofabitch.SHELDONIbelievethecondensationonyourfrozenfoodsweakenedthestructuralintegrityofthebag.Butreturningtoyourkeyconundrum,perhapsyoushouldcallalocksmithandhavehimopenthedoorforyou.PENNYIdid.Hesaidhe'llgetherewhenhegetshere.SHELDON3.Andyou'refrustratedbecausehephrasedhisreplyintheformofameaninglesstautology?PENNYNo.IamfrustratedbecauseIamafailureateverythingandmybreathsmellslikefly.SHELDONThere,there.Wouldyouprefertowaitinourapartment?PENNYNo,Sheldon.I'drathersitonthisfreezing-coldfloorsobbinglikea3-year-old.SHELDONAllright,then.PENNYForGod'ssake.SHELDONJustwhenIthinkI'vegottenthehangofsarcasm.============================================THEMESONG===========================================SHELDONMakeyourselfcomfortable.Notthere.Sheldorisbackonline.PENNYSheldor?SHELDONTheConqueror.PENNYWhatareyoudoing?SHELDONAFK.I'mplaying„AgeofConan“,anonlinemultiplayergamesetintheuniverseofRobertE.Howard'sConantheBarbarian.PENNYOh.SHELDONSheldorbackonline.PENNYWhat'sAFK?4.SHELDONAFK.Awayfromkeyboard.PENNYOh,Isee.SHELDONWhatdoesthatstandfor?PENNYOh,Isee.SHELDONYes,butwhatdoesitstandfor?Andjustclickontheenchantedbootstoputthemon.PENNYMm,Idon'tknow.CanIsee'eminanothercolor?SHELDONJustclickonthem.Yeah,congratulations.Youarenowalevel-threewarrior.LEONARDWhat'sgoingon?PENNYLeonard,guesswhat?I'malevel-threewarrior.LEONARDGreat.Doyouknowtherearegroceriesoutsideofyourapartment?PENNYYeah,yeah,yeah.Shh.LEONARDIonlybringitupbecauseyouricecream'smeltingandit'sstartingtoattractwildlife.PENNYUh-huh,yeah.DoIstayinthejungleorgotowardsthebeach?SHELDONItdoesn'tmatterrightnow,you'relookingfortreasure.PENNYOkay.Wait,wait,whereareyougoing?SHELDONNo,no.You'reokay.Ifyourunintocrocodiles,justkickthemwithyourboots.LEONARD5.Youwannacatchmeup?SHELDONWell,let'ssee.Uh,sheattemptedtoopenherapartmentwithhercarkey,becauseherfaceisoverlyMidwestern,uh...Shehasn'thadsexinsixmonths.Andsheateafly.LEONARDUh-huh.Seriously,sixmonths?PENNYOh,myGod,atreasurechest.I'mrich.SHELDONLevelthreeandshethinksshe'srich.Whatanewb.RAJESHOkay,we'reallset.HOWARDLetherrip.PENNYHi.LEONARDHey,checkitout.It'sjustcornstarchandwater.SHELDONTheymakeupanon-Newtonianfluid,whichisliquid,butsolidunderthepercussiveactionofthespeaker.HOWARDThat'swhatmakesitgetallfunky.PENNYYeah,okay.Uh,listen,IneedtotalktoSheldon.HOWARDNo,that'swhatshesaid,Sheldon.PENNYOkay,look,IboughtthegameandI'vebeenexploringtheIslandofTortage,butIcan'tfigureouthowtogetpasttheguardcaptain.SHELDONDoyouhavetheenchantedsword?PENNYNo,no,Ihaveabronzedagger.SHELDONYoucan'tslaytheguardcaptain6.withabronzedagger.Mylord,it'slikethecarkeyinyourapartmentdooralloveragain.PENNYAllright,allright,howdoIgetthesword?SHELDONWell,haveyoubeentotheTempleofMitra?PENNYIsthattheplaceonthehillwiththeweirdpriestinfrontofit?SHELDONNo,no,no,it's...Oh,forGod'ssakes,gimme.PENNYThankyou.Ireallyappreciatethis.SHELDONYou'regonnahavetolearntodothesethingsforyourself,Penny.PENNYDon'tpatronizeme.Justgetthesword.HOWARDWhatthefrak?LEONARDBeatsme.Theywereplayingalllastnighttoo.RAJESHIt'slikesomekindofweirdcomic-bookcrossover.HOWARDLikeifHulkweredatingPeppermintPatty.RAJESHIalwaysthoughtPeppermintPattywasalesbian.LEONARDNo,that'sMarcie.PeppermintPatty'sjustathletic.SHELDONThereyougo,oneenchantedsword.PENNYAllright,gimme,gimme,gimme.Iwannakilltheguardcaptain.SHELDONThatgirlneedstogetalife.7.PENNYSheldon.Sheldon.SHELDONDanger.Danger.PENNYNodanger,look,