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TheClubofQueerTrades1TheClubofQueerTradesbyG.K.ChestertonTheClubofQueerTrades2CHAPTER1TheTremendousAdventuresofMajorBrownRabelais,orhiswildillustratorGustaveDore,musthavehadsomethingtodowiththedesigningofthethingscalledflatsinEnglandandAmerica.ThereissomethingentirelyGargantuanintheideaofeconomisingspacebypilinghousesontopofeachother,frontdoorsandall.Andinthechaosandcomplexityofthoseperpendicularstreetsanythingmaydwellorhappen,anditisinoneofthem,Ibelieve,thattheinquirermayfindtheofficesoftheClubofQueerTrades.Itmaybethoughtatthefirstglancethatthenamewouldattractandstartlethepasser-by,butnothingattractsorstartlesinthesedimimmensehives.Thepasser-byisonlylookingforhisownmelancholydestination,theMontenegroShippingAgencyortheLondonofficeoftheRutlandSentinel,andpassesthroughthetwilightpassagesasonepassesthroughthetwilightcorridorsofadream.IftheThugssetupaStrangers'AssassinationCompanyinoneofthegreatbuildingsinNorfolkStreet,andsentinamildmaninspectaclestoanswerinquiries,noinquirieswouldbemade.AndtheClubofQueerTradesreignsinagreatedificehiddenlikeafossilinamightycliffoffossils.Thenatureofthissociety,suchasweafterwardsdiscoveredittobe,issoonandsimplytold.ItisaneccentricandBohemianClub,ofwhichtheabsoluteconditionofmembershipliesinthis,thatthecandidatemusthaveinventedthemethodbywhichheearnshisliving.Itmustbeanentirelynewtrade.Theexactdefinitionofthisrequirementisgiveninthetwoprincipalrules.First,itmustnotbeamereapplicationorvariationofanexistingtrade.Thus,forinstance,theClubwouldnotadmitaninsuranceagentsimplybecauseinsteadofinsuringmen'sfurnitureagainstbeingburntinafire,heinsured,letussay,theirtrousersagainstbeingtornbyamaddog.Theprinciple(asSirBradcockBurnaby-Bradcock,intheextraordinarilyeloquentandsoaringspeechtotheclubontheoccasionofthequestionbeingraisedintheStormbySmithaffair,saidwittilyandkeenly)isthesame.Secondly,thetrademustbeagenuinecommercialsourceofincome,thesupportofitsinventor.ThustheClubwouldnotTheClubofQueerTrades3receiveamansimplybecausehechosetopasshisdayscollectingbrokensardinetins,unlesshecoulddrivearoaringtradeinthem.ProfessorChickmadethatquiteclear.AndwhenonerememberswhatProfessorChick'sownnewtradewas,onedoesn'tknowwhethertolaughorcry.Thediscoveryofthisstrangesocietywasacuriouslyrefreshingthing;torealizethatthereweretennewtradesintheworldwaslikelookingatthefirstshiporthefirstplough.Itmadeamanfeelwhatheshouldfeel,thathewasstillinthechildhoodoftheworld.ThatIshouldhavecomeatlastuponsosingularabodywas,Imaysaywithoutvanity,notaltogethersingular,forIhaveamaniaforbelongingtoasmanysocietiesaspossible:Imaybesaidtocollectclubs,andIhaveaccumulatedavastandfantasticvarietyofspecimenseversince,inmyaudaciousyouth,IcollectedtheAthenaeum.Atsomefutureday,perhaps,ImaytelltalesofsomeoftheotherbodiestowhichIhavebelonged.IwillrecountthedoingsoftheDeadMan'sShoesSociety(thatsuperficiallyimmoral,butdarklyjustifiablecommunion);IwillexplainthecuriousoriginoftheCatandChristian,thenameofwhichhasbeensoshamefullymisinterpreted;andtheworldshallknowatlastwhytheInstituteofTypewriterscoalescedwiththeRedTulipLeague.OftheTenTeacups,ofcourseIdarenotsayaword.Thefirstofmyrevelations,atanyrate,shallbeconcernedwiththeClubofQueerTrades,which,asIhavesaid,wasoneofthisclass,onewhichIwasalmostboundtocomeacrosssoonerorlater,becauseofmysingularhobby.Thewildyouthofthemetropoliscallmefacetiously`TheKingofClubs'.Theyalsocallme`TheCherub',inallusiontotheroseateandyouthfulappearanceIhavepresentedinmydecliningyears.IonlyhopethespiritsinthebetterworldhaveasgooddinnersasIhave.ButthefindingoftheClubofQueerTradeshasoneverycuriousthingaboutit.Themostcuriousthingaboutitisthatitwasnotdiscoveredbyme;itwasdiscoveredbymyfriendBasilGrant,astar-gazer,amystic,andamanwhoscarcelystirredoutofhisattic.VeryfewpeopleknewanythingofBasil;notbecausehewasintheleastunsociable,forifamanoutofthestreethadwalkedintohisroomshewouldhavekepthimtalkingtillmorning.Fewpeopleknewhim,because,likeallpoets,hecoulddowithoutthem;hewelcomedahumanTheClubofQueerTrades4faceashemightwelcomeasuddenblendofcolourinasunset;buthenomorefelttheneedofgoingouttopartiesthanhefelttheneedofalteringthesunsetclouds.HelivedinaqueerandcomfortablegarretintheroofsofLambeth.Hewassurroundedbyachaosofthingsthatwereinoddcontrasttotheslumsaroundhim;oldfantasticbooks,swords,armour--thewholedust-holeofromanticism.Buthisface,amidallthesequixoticrelics,appearedcuriouslykeenandmodern--apowerful,legalface.AndnoonebutIknewwhohewas.Longagoasitis,everyonerememberstheterribleandgrotesquescenethatoccurredin--,whenoneofthemostacuteandforcibleoftheEnglishjudgessuddenlywentmadonthebench.Ihadmyownviewofthatoccurrence;butaboutthefactsthemselvesthereisnoquestionatall.Forsomemonths,indeedforsomeyears,peoplehaddetectedsomethingcuriousinthejudge'sconduct.Heseemedtohavelostinterestinthelaw,inwhichhehadbeenbeyondexpressionbrilliantandterribleasaK.C.,andtobeoccupiedingivingpersonalandmoraladvicetothepeopleconcerned.Hetalkedmorelikeapriestoradoctor,andaveryoutspokenoneatthat.Thefirstthrillwasprobablygivenwhenhesaidtoamanwhohadattemptedacrimeo