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哈佛大学幸福课第二十一课中英文讲义嗨大家好我叫MeganStudent:Hi,everyone.MynameisMeghan.课后我们会进行一个非常有趣的研究Andwewererunningareallyfunstudy有关内观自省与知见rightafterclassaboutmindfulnessandvision.时间不会超过10到15分钟Itshouldn'ttakemorethan10to15minutes.我们需要至少60个人所以如果你有兴趣Soifyouareinterested,weneedmorethan60people.请课后到教室前面来Sojustcomeuptothefrontafterclass.不会耽搁很久的真的很有趣谢谢Anditwon'ttakealongtime.It'sreallyfun.Thankyou.掌声(Applause)你们都听过格特鲁德·斯泰因的这个故事Dr.TalBen-Shahar:YouknowthisstoryaboutGertrudeStein.她那时上WilliamJames的哲学课AndshewastakingphilosophyclasswithWilliamJames,就在哈佛拉德克利夫学院righthereintheArt.要期末考试了她上的是春季班Andtheyhadtheirfinalexam.Anditwasspringsemestercourse.她来到考场就跟今天一样是个晴朗的日子Andshecomesintotheexam.Andit'sadayliketoday.考试的内容是形而上学及生命的意义Andtheexamisaboutmetaphysics,andthemeaningoflife.于是她打开试卷写道Sosheopenstheexamandwrites,多么美好的一天不应该浪费在考试上Todayistoobeautifuladaytotakeanexam.然后走出了教室Andshewalksout.而且传说Andyouknow,aslegendhasitofcourse,WilliamJames的课程她全A通过shegetsastraightAinWilliamJames'class.本学期考试时Don'tusethatasanexampleoranexcuse不要学她或者拿她当借口lateroninthissemester.不过我真的很感谢各位今天出席ButIreallyappreciateyoubeingheretoday.今天天气非常好Itisabeautifulday.我想过要到户外上课的Iwasthinkingofhavingtheclassoutside,不过…也许我们应该去的是的butIthink-maybeweshould.Yeah.今天我们要讲完爱情Whatwearegoingtodotodayisfinishuponrelationships-还差一点就讲完了wehavejustalittletogo,然后我们会开始讲本课程最后一个话题andthenstartwithourfinaltopicforthecourse,也就是自尊whichisself-esteem.先回顾一下上回讲到的关于爱情的内容Soletmejustrecapwhatwedidwhenwediscussedrelationships.我们讲到了人类要如何…考虑到人的本性Sowetalkedabouthowdowe-givenournatures,人类要如何获得维持长久的爱情与激情howdoweattain,howdowesustainlastinglove,因为从心理学角度看lastingpassionwhenitseemsonthephysiologicallevelatleast这似乎有违人的本性thatournaturesarenotattunedtothatapproach.当我们讲到研究那些最成功的恋情时Andwetalkedabout-whenstudyingthebestrelationships,最成功的恋情有四个特点thetipofthestem-fourcharacteristics,根据DavidSchnarch和JohnGottman的研究发现的basedontheworkofDavidSchnarchandJohnGottman.第一条是经营爱情需要付出努力Thefirstoneis:relationshipisthehardwork.人们往往误以为It'sanillusiontothinkthat寻找合适的爱情对象是最重要的themostimportantthingisfindingtherightrelationship;其实更重要的是如何经营你选择的爱情itismoreimportanttocultivatethatonechosenrelationship.就跟工作一样如果我们找到了梦想中的工作Andjustlikewewouldnotthrive,succeedatwork,然后翘起腿什么也不做ifwesaid,Well,Ijustfoundmydreamjob,是不可能成功的andthenputourlegsupandrelax;同样的如果我们在一段恋情中抱有寻找心态similarlywewouldnotthriveinarelationship,我们的恋情也不会成功ifwehavethefindingmindset-以为只要找到爱情就能幸福地生活下去wejustneedtofinditandwewilllivehappilyeverafter,我们说过电影结束时正是爱情刚开始时aswetalkedaboutmoviesandwherelovebegins.一段健康长久充满激情的爱情Thesecondcomponentofahealthy,第二个组成部分跟第一个有关联lastingandpassionaterelationshiprelatedtothefirstone我们要被了解而不是被认可isthenotionofbeingknownratherthanbeingvalidated,表达自己而不是粉饰自己坦开心扉expressingratherthanimpressing,beingopen,坦诚自己的弱点优点渴望revealingourweaknessesaswellasourstrengths,ourdesires,热情恐惧与不安ourpassions,ourfearsandinsecurities.这样的爱情Andrelationshipsthatdo,恋爱中的双方如果这样做了orpartnersthatdothatwithinarelationship,会渐渐变得更加亲密更加快乐overtimeattainhigherandhigherlevelsofintimacy,happiness,感情更好激情不哀andtheythrive,andtheyremain-maintaintheirpassion.这是第二个组成部分That'sthesecondcomponent.健康爱情的第三个组成部分是Thethirdcomponentofahealthyrelationshipisthat冲突是不可避免的thereareconflictsthere.人们往往误以为Itisanillusiontobelievethat理想的爱情没有冲突theidealrelationshipisonethatisconflictfree这是不可能的thatdoesn'texist,除非双方都在刻意躲避严重问题unlessbothpartnersaresuppressingseriousissues.所以爱情中时有冲突发生Sothereareconflictsinrelationships.当然在一段恋情中我们的挑战就是要Thechallengeistohavemorepositivitythannegativity让积极的大于消极的ofcourseinarelationship,而且要学会如何应对分歧butalsotolearnhowtobeinthemidstofdisagreement,应对冲突howtohaveconflict.最后Andfinally,第四点是积极认知thefourthpointthatwetalkedaboutwaspositiveperception;要做优点感知者不仅如此beingabenefitfinder,andmorethanthat,还要创造优点beingabenefitcreator.我快快回顾一遍Iwanttojustgobackquickly然后细讲一些上回没说的东西andelaborateonsomethingthatIdidn'tlasttime关于爱情中的冲突abouttheconflictorconflictswithinarelationship.我觉得我读过的Ithinkthemostimportantessay,关于爱情最重要的文章articlethatIreadaboutrelationshipsingeneral是艾默生的《论友谊》wasthearticleonfriendshipbyRalphWaldoEmerson,发表于1841年publishedina84a.艾默生在其中写了他理想的朋友AndWhatEmersonwritesaboutishisidealfriend.我来读一段Letmequotehim.他说在朋友身上Hesays,inafriend,我寻找的不是盲目的让步whatIamlookingforisnotamushofconcessions,对我千依百顺的人apersonwhowouldagreewitheverythingthatIsay;我寻找的是一个美丽的敌人ratherwhatI'mlookingforisabeautifulenemy,能挑战我敦促我apersonwhowillchallengeme,whowillpushme,帮助我寻求真相whowillhelpmeinmyapprenticeshiptothetruth.美丽的敌人多美的描述Abeautifulenemy-whatabeautifulphrase.没有冲突的爱情Aconflictfreerelationshipis就没有美丽的敌人wheretherearenobeautifulenemies.美丽的敌人是指因为爱我们Abeautifulenemyisapersonwholovesus,关心我们所以要跟我们针锋相对的人whocaresaboutusenoughtochallengeus,enoughtodisagree.问问你自己你想找的Andaskyourselfwhatkindoffriend,是什么样的朋友或伴侣是百依百顺的好好先生或太太吗?whatkindofromanticpartnerwouldyoulike?Ayesmanorwoman?还是一个诚恳待人Orapersonwhowouldbehonest,直言规劝的诤友wouldhavehighlevelsofintegrity?理想的朋友理想的伴侣是什么样的?Whatistheidealfriend?Whatistheidealpartner?有趣的是Youknowit'sinteresting美丽敌人这一概念最早可以追溯到thiswholeideaofbeautifulenemygoeswayback西方世界itgoesbacktothemostinfluentialtext最有影响力的文本即圣经incertainlytheWesternworld,whichistheBible.在创世纪中上帝看到男人独居InGenesis,Godseesthatmanisalone.于是为他造一个