搜索
哈佛大学幸福课第十九课中英文讲义Dr.TalBen-Shahar:Hi.Goodafternoon.Goodmorning.Todaywearegoingtocontinuetalkingaboutlove.Butbefore,ifthereisaNadiainthisroom,andyouleftakeychaininclass.Wehaveithere.Sopleasecomeandseemeafterwards.Solet'stalkaboutlove.Lasttime,weleftoffwithmorequestionsthananswers.Thequestionwas-difficultquestionwashowcanwesustainlove?Howcanwesustainpassionbeyondthehoneymoonphase?BecauseevenifwedidhaveourBradPittorHalleBerry,thatdoesnotguaranteelastingpassion.Infact,whatweknowthatdoesguaranteeovertimeisawaningofthephysiologicalexcitementthatweexperiencewhenwearewiththatperson.Andthatinpartexplainssomeofthestatistics,suchas2/3ofmarriagesendupindivorce,suchaseventhosewhodostaytogetherafterawhileit'soutofconvenience,outofasenseofdutyandnotalways,ormoreoftenthannotdoesnothavethesamesenseoftogethernessofpassionthatexistedatthebeginningoftherelationshipwithallthegoodintentionsandthehopeofthelife-longcommittedrelationship-marriageorotherwise.Andthenweaskedwhatpositivepsychologycandoforus?Weaskedtheadditionalquestiontothenormalquestionthathasbeenaskedformanyyears,whichiswhydosomanyrelationshipsfail?It'sanimportantquestion.It'snecessary.It'sveryfarfrombeingsufficient.Anditleadstothesameerrors,tothesameshortcomingsthataskingonlythenegativequestionleadstowhenwearestudyingatriskyouth,whenwearestudyingtimemanagementandstress.Becausewhenweonlyaskoneofthequestions,whatwearemissingarethechildrenonthebus,metaphoricallyspeaking.Whatwearemissingarethecolorsintherealityinfrontus,iftheonlyquestionwefocusonishowmanygeometricshapesarethere?Questionscreatereality.Andveryoften,ifwedon'tcertainquestion,certainanswersareobscureanddisappear.Soweaskthisquestionandweasknotjustaboutwhatmakesrelationshipswork,butwhatmakesrelationshipsthrive?AndpsychologistssuchasDavidSchnarchandJohnGottmanintheirextraordinarybooks,extraordinaryresearchtalkaboutsomeofthesecharacteristics.Solet'sgetintothem.Thefirstoneisaboutworkinghard.Thisistheworld'sbestkeptsecret.It'sthesecretofsuccess.It'sthesecretofpersonalsuccess,ofsuccessfulrelationships.Therearenoshortcuts-ifwewantarelationshiptothrive,tosucceed,weneedtoputalotofworkinit.Nowthatseemsself-evident,obviouscommonsense.ButsoofteninthisclasswehaveseenwhatVoltairehasremarked,commonsenseisnotthatcommon.Nowwhyiscommonsensenotthatcommon?Whenitappliestoworkinghardinarelationship.Thereasonisbecausemanypeoplehavewrongexpectationsoftherelationshiporofwhatitmeanstohavehappyrelationshipsspecifically.Mostpeoplebelievethatthemostimportantpartofenjoyingahappylife-longcommittedrelationshipisfindingtherightpartner.Andthat'scertainlyimportant,butitisamistaketofocusonfinding.Peoplehave-ifwedrawananalogytoCarolDweck'sresearchonfixedversusmalleablemindset-peoplehaveafindingmindsetthathurtstherelationship.Letmeexplain.Sogoingback-wedidthisbeforespringbreak.WhatCarolDweckshowedwaswhenwepraisepeoplefortheirintelligence-ohyouaresosmart-afterdoingwellonthetest,theyenterthefixedmindset.Versusifwepraisethemforohyou'veworkedsohard.Theyhaveamalleablemindset.Andthathasconsequences.Becausethefixedmindset-theintelligence-youaresosmartdoesn'thelpthemmuch.Andthenwhentheygotothenextpuzzle,nexttaskwhichisdifficult,thatthreatenstheirschema-ohifIdon'tgetit,ifIdon'tsucceed,itmeansI'mnolongersmart.Andtheygiveupmoreeasily.Theyaremorethreatenedbyfailure.Andtheydon'tenjoytheprocess.Theybecomeperfectionists,ormorelikelytobecomeperfectionists.OK,sothisisthefixedmindset.Youaresosmart.Youaresointelligent.Themalleablemindset-ohyouworksohard.OhIcanworkwiththat.SoevenifIdon'tsucceed,don'tdowell,IcanstilllearnandIdolearntoenjoytheprocessmore.Sothat'sthemalleablemindset.Nowlet'sdrawananalogytowhatwe'vejustdiscussedhere.IfIbelievethatthemostimportantthingaboutenjoyinglife-long,committed,happyrelationshipisfindingtherightpartner,IenterwhatIcall-againbyanalogy,thefindingmindset,whichwillbeanequivalenttoDweck'sfixedmindset.Andthenlet'ssayIhavethismindset.Thisisthemostimportantthing.Andthenwegothrougharoughpatchinourrelationship.Thenwhathappens?ThenIbegintothinkwaitaminute.Something'swronghere.Imusthavenotfoundtherightpartner.Imusthavemadeamistake-anerrorofjudgment.Andthatveryoftenleadstoaworseningofthesituation.Anditcan,doesn'talways,butcanleadtoadownwardspiral.Thisisthefindingmindset.Becauseit'sfixedIfoundmyknightinshiningarmor.Ifoundmydreamwoman.IfoundmyBradPitt,myHalleBerry.Andyouknowthatproblemisthatrealityinevitablyhits.Wecan'trunawayfromit.Andrealitydictatesthattherearenoperfectrelationships.RememberthatLeoBuscaglia'squoteabout,perfectloveisrareindeed.Noit'snotrare.Itdoesn'texist.Andwhenwerealizethat-ifwehavethefindingmindset,thefixedmindset,itthreatensourschema.ThereisinconsistencyandthenwebegintothinkwellIprobablydidnotfindtherightperson.Incontrast,ifwehavethecultivatingmindset,that'smalleableThat'srelatedtotheeffortpart-OK.Sowearegoingthroughahardship.Wearegoingthroughdifficulty.Butit'sOK.Becauseweareworkingonit.Weareworkingtoresolveit.It'slikethestudentswhowerepraisedfortheireffort-OK.SoI'mnotsolvingthispuzzlenow.Butsowhat?I'mputtinginalotofeffort.I'm