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Aneducationbeyondtheclassroom:excellingintherealmofhorizontalacademicsKarenF.OwenSeniorHonorsThesisDukeUniversitySubmittedtotheDepartmentofLate-NightEntertainmentinpartialfulfillmentoftherequirementsforaDegreeinTempestuousFrolicking(D.T.F)May,2010BackgroundSenioryearandcollegeingeneraloftenbringaboutcertainsituationsthatresultintheseekingofso-called“sex.”Untilnow,nostudieshavesucceededindevelopingamethodologyforquantifyingandrankingtheseso-calledhorizontalacademics.Inthisstudy,weuseddatafromfouryearsatDukeUniversitytocreateevaluationcriteriaforsuchencountersandappliedthesecriteriatotheevaluatedSubjects,hopefullyallowingforfuturemaximizationofenjoymentofsuchprocedures.Subject1:TonyMcDevitt•IevaluatedTonyonmy19thbirthday,(9/23/08)–WemetatShootersthroughRyanMcFadyenandheboughtmemany,manybeers.Afterthefinalsong,heinvitedmebacktohishouseto“hangout”.Needlesstosay,thiswasmyfirstintroductionintotheglorious,alpha-maledominatedworldofDukeLacrossehookups.Aftersomeactual“hangingout”(duringwhichIwasaskedwhichlaxerIfoundthemostattractive,towhichIrepliedBoCarrington,uponwhichIwasinformedofhislackof,um,largesse),itwasbacktohisbedroom,whichsportedalovelykingsizedbed.•Memorablemoments:standingoutsideofShooters,surroundedbyTonyandafewfriends(NickO’Hara,MikeCatalino,etc):“She’ssohot;guys,isn’tshesohot?”[nodsandmurmursofassent]“Herbreasts…they’rejustexquisite.Soexquisite”.BeingaskedtonamethelacrosseplayerIthoughtwasthehottesttoaroomofotherlacrosseplayers,includingtheoneIwasabouttohookupwith.Actuallyreplyinghonestlytothequestion.•Pros:Heisenormous.Like…Iwasactuallyrenderedspeechless.Afterafreshmanyearoffratstar-sizing,Iwasn’treallyevensurewhattodowiththesituationathand(erm,mouth?).Additionally,hehadjustbrokenupwithhisgirlfriendofthreeyearsandwasagradstudent,soexperiencewasonhisside.Andheusedit.•Cons:Hedoesnothaveallthatexcitingofapersonality.Itwasovertooquickly.Iwasprobablyalittleawkward,anddidn’treallyknowhowtomoveorwhattodo.Anditwasatadbitpainful…•RawScore:4/10Subject2:DavidGoulet•ThistennisstarwasassessedbeforejunioryearspringbreakinMarchof2009.AftermanylonglooksexchangedbetweenusonthepathtoandfromWilsonGymnasium,hefinallyapproachedatShootersIIandaskedforadancebeforesuggestingthatweexitthepremises.ItwasonthecabridebackthatIdiscoveredhewasrude,Canadian,andspokemostlyinFrench.Needlesstosay,thewarningflagswerewavingfuriously,yet,intheinterestofmyresearchandoutofaperversecuriosity,Idecidedtocontinuetowardshisapartments.•Memorablemoments:None.Hewasterrible,didnotevenbothertokissmemorethanafewseconds,andfinishedinaboutfiveminutes,afterwhichhesimplywalkedoutoftheroomanddidnotreturn.•Pros:Hewasatleastasuccessfulathlete,andwasfairlylengthy;hehadagoodbody.•Cons:Absolutelyeverythingelseabouthimandthesituationasawhole.Also,IaccidentallyleftmyfavoritepairofearringsfromSouthAfrica.WhenItextedhimthisfact,herespondedwith“Iwillleavethemoutsideofthebuildingforyou.”•RawScore:1/10.Seriously.Subject3:BenGrisz•MyintroductiontothisSubject,baseballplayeruno,cameonHalloweenof2009,aftertwomonthsofactinglikeamature,responsibleadult.IblameitontheFreddyKreugerclaw,andbythatImeanmyincreasingneedtocollectmoredatatocompletemyhonorsthesis.Ichattedwiththesubjectthroughoutthenight,heboughtmeshots,andatclosingsonghegrabbedmyshoulders,pushedmeagainstawallandaskedifIwantedto“getoutofthisplace”.Findingmyselfoverwhelminglyattractedtothisathletic,intelligentsophomore,andsuddenlyanxioustostopbeingamatureperson,Iagreedandwewentbacktomyplace.•Memorablemoments:Icouldnotwalkthenextday.Could.Not.Walk.Inallthebestways,ofcourse.Also,Isentmyroommatethefollowingsexiletext:“don’tcomebackkbrousghtboybackkSEX!!!!!”.WheneverIwenttothebathroom,Iarrayedmyselfinazebra-printsnuggie.Atonepoint,post-hookup,hewasliterallyjustrunninghishandsupanddown,alloverme.WhenIasked,laughing,whathewasdoing,hereplied,inadeeppost-sexvoice,“Shh…I’mjusttryingtoexplorethisbody…”•Pros:DidImentionIcouldnotwalkthenextday?Hewasvery,verywellequipped.Andheknewhowtousehishardware.Andtheaggressionwasunbelievable.Additionally,wehadalotofthingsincommon,andtheconversationsprecedingandfollowinghookupsessionswereextremelyenjoyable•Cons:Hesnored.Iwascompletelyunpreparedforsaidencounter(asmentioned,Ihadactuallymadeaserious,andsuccessful,attempttohaltmydatacollectionandbehaveinamannermorefittingofaresponsibleadult).Asaresult,Ifeltalittleselfconsciousaboutmystateofaffairs,andenjoyedtheexperiencealittlelessthanIwouldhave,hadIbeencompletelylackinginhibitionsperusual.•RawScore:8/10•Mynextencounterwithsaidsubjectwasthedaybeforeclassesstartedin2010.IwalkedintoShootersandimmediatelynoticedhisratherimposingpresenceatthebar.Tenminuteslater,wewerehailingacabbacktohisdormroomandIenjoyedawalkofshame(andbyshameImeanglory)pastambitiouslyacademicstudentsthenextday.•Thenexttime,wesaweachotherataWednesdaynightShootersandspokeafewtimes,butdidnotleavetogether,preferringtoactuallyenjoyournightoutforachange.Afterreturningtoourrespectiveabodes,wetextedafewtimesandthenhecalledtoaskmeifIwouldliketo“hangout”.Eagerforsomeearly-morningdelight,Iwe