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Unit11SalvationIwassavedfromsinwhenIwasgoingonthirteen.Butnotreallysaved.Ithappenedlikethis.TherewasabigrevivalatmyAuntieReed'schurch.Everynightforweekstherehadbeenmuchpreaching,singing,praying,andshouting,andsomeveryhardenedsinnershadbeenbroughttoChrist,andthemembershipofthechurchhadgrownbyleapsandbounds.Thenjustbeforetherevivalended,theyheldaspecialmeetingforchildren,tobringtheyounglambstothefold.Myauntspokeofitfordaysahead.ThatnightIwasescortedtothefrontrowandplacedonthemourners'benchwithalltheotheryoungsinners,whohadnotyetbeenbroughttoJesus.Myaunttoldmethatwhenyouweresavedyousawalight,andsomethinghappenedtoyouinside!AndJesuscameintoyourlife!AndGodwaswithyoufromthenon!ShesaidyoucouldseeandhearandfeelJesusinyoursoul.Ibelievedher.Ihadheardagreatmanyoldpeoplesaythesamethinganditseemedtometheyoughttoknow.SoIsattherecalmlyinthehot,crowdedchurch,waitingforJesustocometome.Thepreacherpreachedawonderfulrhythmicalsermon,allmoansandshoutsandlonelycriesanddirepicturesofhell,andthenhesangasongabouttheninetyandninesafeinthefold,butonelittlelambwasleftoutinthecold.Thenhesaid:Won'tyoucome?Won'tyoucometoJesus?Younglambs,won'tyoucome?Andheheldouthisarmstoallusyoungsinnersthereonthemourners'bench.Andthelittlegirlscried.AndsomeofthemjumpedupandwenttoJesusrightaway.Butmostofusjustsatthere.Agreatmanyoldpeoplecameandkneltaroundusandprayed,oldwomenwithjet-blackfacesandbraidedhair,oldmenwithwork-gnarledhands.Andthechurchsangasongaboutthelowerlightsareburning,somepoorsinnerstobesaved.Andthewholebuildingrockedwithprayerandsong.StillIkeptwaitingtoseeJesus.Finallyalltheyoungpeoplehadgonetothealtarandweresaved,butoneboyandme.Hewasarounder'ssonnamedWestley.WestleyandIweresurroundedbysistersanddeaconspraying.Itwasveryhotinthechurch,andgettinglatenow.FinallyWestleysaidtomeinawhisper:Goddamn!I'mtiredofsittinghere.Let'sgetupandbesaved.Sohegotupandwassaved.ThenIwasleftallaloneonthemourners'bench.Myauntcameandkneltatmykneesandcried,whileprayersandsongswirledallaroundmeinthelittlechurch.Thewholecongregationprayedformealone,inamightywailofmoansandvoices.AndIkeptwaitingserenelyforJesus,waiting,waiting—buthedidn'tcome.Iwantedtoseehim,butnothinghappenedtome.Nothing!Iwantedsomethingtohappentome,butnothinghappened.Iheardthesongsandtheministersaying:Whydon'tyoucome?Mydearchild,whydon'tyoucometoJesus?Jesusiswaitingforyou.Hewantsyou.Whydon'tyoucome?SisterReed,whatisthischild'sname?Langston,myauntsobbed.Langston,whydon'tyoucome?Whydon'tyoucomeandbesaved?Oh,LambofGod!Whydon'tyoucome?Nowitwasreallygettinglate.Ibegantobeashamedofmyself,holdingeverythingupsolong.IbegantowonderwhatGodthoughtaboutWestley,whocertainlyhadn'tseenJesuseither,butwhowasnowsittingproudlyontheplatform,swinginghisknickerbockeredlegsandgrinningdownatme,surroundedbydeaconsandoldwomenontheirkneespraying.GodhadnotstruckWestleydeadfortakinghisnameinvainorforlyinginthetemple.SoIdecidedthatmaybetosavefurthertrouble,I'dbetterlie,too,andsaythatJesushadcome,andgetupandbesaved.SoIgotup.Suddenlythewholeroombrokeintoaseaofshouting,astheysawmerise.Wavesofrejoicingswepttheplace.Womenleapedintheair.Myauntthrewherarmsaroundme.Theministertookmebythehandandledmetotheplatform.Whenthingsquieteddown,inahushedsilence,punctuatedbyafewecstaticAmens,allthenewyounglambswereblessedinthenameofGod.Thenjoyoussingingfilledtheroom.Thatnight,forthefirsttimeinmylifebutoneforIwasabigboytwelveyearsold—Icried.Icried,inbedalone,andcouldn'tstop.Iburiedmyheadunderthequilts,butmyauntheardme.ShewokeupandtoldmyuncleIwascryingbecausetheHolyGhosthadcomeintomylife,andbecauseIhadseenJesus.ButIwasreallycryingbecauseIcouldn'tbeartotellherthatIhadlied,thatIhaddeceivedeverybodyinthechurch,thatIhadn'tseenJesus,andthatnowIdidn'tbelievetherewasaJesusanymore,sincehedidn'tcometohelpme.救赎在我快十三岁时被上帝从罪恶中超度了，但并非真正地超度。事情是这样发生的：在我瑞德姑妈所在的教堂里有一场很大的复兴布道会，那几个星期每天晚上都有很多人在那里传道、唱诗、祈祷或者大声喊叫，一些顽固的罪人也被带到这里，于是这个教堂的教徒增加得很快。就在这一切快要结束的时候，教堂里的人特别为孩子们举办了一场仪式，“把孩子们带入基督徒队伍里”，姑妈几天前曾提到过。于是那天晚上我和其他还没有入教的孩子们一样，在大人的陪同下来到了第一排并坐在了忏悔者的座位上。姑妈告诉我如果被超度就会看到一束灯光，灵魂会随之发生变化的。你的生命里就会有了耶稣！上帝从此将与你同在！她还告诉我会看到、听到并感受到在我灵魂中的上帝。我相信了她的话。我以前听到过很多老人说同样的话，并且我觉得他们是应该知道的。于是我安静地坐在又热又拥挤的教堂里等待着耶稣的降临。牧师做了一场抑扬顿挫的精彩布道，都是些呻吟、呐喊、哭泣和可怕的地狱的描绘，然后他唱了一首歌，歌里唱道，九十九只羊都安全地回到羊圈，只有一只迷失在寒冷的世界里。接着他说：“你不来吗？你不来到耶稣的身边吗？亲爱的孩子们，你不来吗？”然后他向所有坐在忏悔席上的孩子伸出了双手。小女孩儿们被吓哭了，我们中的一些人立即跳离了座位，跑去找耶稣了，但大多数人还坐在原住上。一大群老人来到我们身旁开始跪地祈祷，我看到了老奶奶漆黑的面容，梳成辫子的头发，还有老爷爷饱经风霜的双手，还有他们唱着圣歌，歌里唱道：“下面的灯点着，可怜的罪人们需要得到拯救。”整个教堂都因为他们的祈祷和歌唱而晃动。我仍在等着看看耶稣。最后除了我和另一个小男孩儿，其他所有的孩子都去圣坛被超度了。这个小男孩儿名叫威斯特雷，是个浪荡鬼的)L-子-。修女和执事们的祈祷声包围了我们俩。教堂里实在是太热了，而且天色已经越来越晚。最后威斯特雷小声跟我说：“该死的上帝！我实在不想再坐在这儿了，我们过去被超度吧。”于是他站起来，去接受了超度。我成了忏悔席上唯一的一个人。姑妈哭着跑过来跪在我身旁，小小的教堂里所有的祈祷声都围绕着我。整个圣会只为我一个人祈祷，发出了一种近乎强迫和乞求的哀鸣。我仍安静地等着耶稣，等着，等着——但是耶稣却没有出现。我真的想看到他，但是什么也没有发生。什么也没有！我想让我有点事发生，但什么也没发生。我听到歌声和牧师的声音：“你为什么不过来？我亲爱的孩子，为什么不到耶稣身边来？他在等着你。他需要你。你为什么不过来？瑞德女士，这孩子叫什么名字？”“兰斯顿，”姑妈呜咽着回答。“兰斯顿，你为什么不过来？为什么不愿意被超度？喔，上帝的孩子！你为什么不过来呢？”现在真的已经很晚了。我开始为自己感到羞愧，都是因为我把整件事耽误了这么久。我开始猜想上帝会怎样看威斯特雷，他肯定也没有真正地看到上帝，但他现在却自豪地坐在祭坛边，摇摆着穿着灯笼裤的腿．张着嘴对我笑，周围跪满了祈祷的老妇人。上帝并没有因为威斯特雷对他的不敬或在教堂里撒谎而惩罚他。于是我决定，为了不带来更多的麻烦．最好我也撒谎说已经见到上帝了，然后接受超度。于是我站起来。当人们看到我站起来时，