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Feedbackofwriting2015/4/2舟山中学郑从宝写作材料班队课上，老师要求大家谈梦想，推荐你发言。请以Mydream为题，写一篇120字左右的发言稿。开头结尾已经写好。不计入字数。要点：1.梦想是什么2.你的梦想3.如何实现你的梦想注意：可适当增加细节，使行文连贯。Goodmorning,mydearfriends!I’mverygladtostandheretogiveyouaspeechabout______________________dreams._________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Thankyou!I.审题1.体裁:2.时态：3.人物：4.内容：speechpresentIWhatisadream?Mydream.Howtorealize?Paragraphs?II.开头每段开头点题:踩点Paragraph1.Paragraph2.Paragraph3.Adreamis…..Mydreamis…Torealizemydream,…..(Paragraph2).Asforme,dreamissosimpleaseverybodycando.Butnoteveryonecanconductitperfectly.It’smydreamthatI’meagertobeaphotographer.(paragraph3)First,Ishouldstudyhardandtrytolearnmoreknowledgeaboutmedicine.Second,…III.不连贯---无效信息1.It’smydream,howtoachieveit?Ihavenoidea.2.What’smydream?Idon’tknow.3.AsfarasIamconcerned,thedreamisathingthatisbeautifultome.Ishouldmakegreateffortstoachievemydream.4.Asadoctor,Iwillworkinthehospital.IV.不连贯--逻辑性1.Everyonehasadream,sothattheywillworkhardtoachieveit.Everyonehasadream,butonlysomewillworkhardtoachievetheirs.2.Howtorealizemydream?Asadoctor,Iwillenjoymywork.Howtorealizemydream?Tobeadoctor,Iwillworkhardatmylessons….Hopefully,I’llbeadmittedtomyidealmedicalcollege…（把握好上下文因果、对比、目的关系）V.不连贯--结构松散TravellingabroadandvisitingsomeAfricancountriesaremydreams.Anotherdreamistomakenewfriendsaroundtheworld.Bychattingwiththem,I’llbroadenmyeyes.----MydreamistovisitsomeEuropeancountriestobroadenmyhorizonsandmakesomenewfriendsaswell.VI.不连贯—连接词Mydreamistotravelallovertheworld.Ilovethenature,themountains,theforestsandsoon.Mydreamistotravelallovertheworld,becauseIlovenature---mountains,forestsandsoon.becauseMore?2.表示转折关系但是，然而，相反：but;however;yet;instead;ontheotherhand;onthecontrary.连接词（外在连贯）1.表示因果关系因为，因此，所以:because(of);since;as;dueto;owingto;resultfrom;so;thus;therefore;asaresult;asaconsequence4.表示条件关系如果，只要:if;oncondition(that);aslongas除非:否则:unlessor;otherwise3.表示递进;在同一话题上补充内容另外，还有：What’smore;besides;also;moreover;inaddition;furthermore5.表示特定的顺序关系首先，最主要的:aboveall;first/firstly其次:secondly然后:then;next最后:finally;intheend6.陈述个人观点Personallyspeaking;Inmyopinion;Frommypointofview;AsfarasI’mconcerned;…语篇连贯（内在连贯）•1.Theoldjanitorisstrange.Itissaidthatheiswealthy.•Theoldjanitorisstrange.Heissaidtobewealthy.•2.Thatisabeautifulvastreservoir.Lotsofpeoplearefishinginthecanoes.Therearemanycanoesonthereservoir.•Thatisabeautifulvastreservoir.Onthereservoirtherearemanycanoes.Inthecanoeslotsofpeoplearefishing.•Thatisabeautifulvastreservoir.Onthereservoirtherearemanycanoes,inwhichlotsofpeoplearefishing.•3.Oncampustherewasaluxuriouscar.Theheadofthedepartmentwasinfrontofthecar.•Oncampustherewasaluxuriouscar.Infrontofthecarwastheheadofthedepartment.•Oncampustherewasabeautifulcar,infrontofwhichwastheheadofthedepartment.•4.Tobecomeadoctorismydream.Patients’painwillbelessifdoctorshelpthem.•Mydreamistobecomeadoctor,whocaneasepatients’pain.VII.不连贯—隐性离题Paragraph2Howtorealizemydream?Asadoctor,Iwillenjoymywork.Inmysparetime,Iwilltravelabroadtodosightseeing.MaybeIwon’tmakemuchmoney,butIenjoywhatIdo.OnMondaytoFriday，Iwillworkinhospital.Butonweekends,Iwillcallmyfriendstoplaymahjong….OnlybyworkinghardcanIbridgethedistancebetweenthedreamandreality.VIII.汉式表达1.Beingatranslatormakesmemakefriendswithpeople.Beingatranslatorenables/helpsmetomakemorefriends.2.Iknowonlyworkhardcan’thelpmeachievemydream.Torealizemydream,hardworkisnotenough.3.Itmakesourlifewon’tbeboring.Itmakesourlifeinteresting.4.Torealizemydream,Idecidedtostudyharderthanharder.Torealizemydream,Idecidedtostudyharder.5.Teacherisagoodjob.Teachingisadecentprofession.IX结尾1.Go,go,go!2.Fight!3.Oh,dream,Iamcoming!4.Dreamisbright,dreamissweet.Tryyourbestandyou’llbewhatyouwannabe.结尾应与主题mydream恰当呼应.Hopefullymyeffortswillpayoffandmydreamwillcometrue.Proof-reading(Onepossiblestudentversion):Everyonehasdream.Adreamislikealighthouse,showusthewaywhenwe’resailingonthesea.Withdreams,wemayeasilygetlostinlife.Mydreamistobeaprimaryschoolteacher,soIenjoywritingontheblackboardandhavinglotsofopportunitiestopresentmyopinionstoothers.Beside,asateacher,Icanspendlotsoftimewithchildren,thusfeelingyoungforever.What’smore,teacherisagreatjobwhatcanhelpkidsgrowupmorehealthilyinmind.Toachievemydream,Iwillworkhardatmylessons,sothereforeIprobablycanenteredakeynormaluniversity.Inmysparetime,Iwillreadbooksaboutteachingtechniquesandapproachestogettingalongwellwithchildren.Iwillsparenoefforttokeepgoing.Hopeful,mydreamwillcometrue.ashowingWithoutbecasueBesidesteachingwhichenterHopefullyOnepossiblestudentversion:Everyonehasadream.Adreamislikealighthouse,showingusthewaywhenwe’resailingonthesea.Withoutdreams,wemayeasilygetlostinlife.Mydreamistobeaprimaryschoolteacher,becauseIenjoywritingontheblackboardandhavinglotsofopportunitiestopresentmyopinionstoothers.Besides,asateacher,Icanspendlotsoftimewithchildren,thusfeelingyoungforever.What’smore,teachingisagreatjobwhichcanhelpkidsgrowupmorehealthilyinmind.Toachievemydream,IwillworkhardatmylessonsandthereforeIprobablycanenterakeynormal