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LoveisaFallacyMaxShulman1CharlesLamb,asmerryandenterprisingafellowasyouwillmeetinamonthofSundays,unfetteredtheinformalessaywithhismemorableOldChinaandDream'sChildren.TherefollowsaninformalessaythatventuresevenbeyondLamb'sfrontier,indeed,informalmaynotbequitetherightwordtodescribethisessay;limporflaccidorpossiblyspongyareperhapsmoreappropriate.2Vaguethoughitscategory,itiswithoutdoubtanessay.Itdevelopsanargument;itcitesinstances;itreachesaconclusion.CouldCarlyledomore?CouldRuskin?3Read,then,thefollowingessaywhichundertakestodemonstratethatlogic,farfrombeingadry,pedanticdiscipline,isaliving,breathingthing,fullofbeauty,passion,andtrauma--Author'sNote4CoolwasIandlogical.Keen,calculating,perspicacious,acuteandastute--Iwasallofthese.Mybrainwasaspowerfulasadynamo,aspreciseasachemist'sscales,aspenetratingasascalpel.And--thinkofit!--Iwasonlyeighteen.5Itisnotoftenthatonesoyounghassuchagiantintellect.Take,forexample,PeteyButch,myroommateattheUniversityofMinnesota.Sameage,samebackground,butdumbasanox.Aniceenoughyoungfellow,youunderstand,butnothingupstairs.Emotionaltype.Unstable.Impressionable.Worstofall,afaddist.Fads,Isubmit,aretheverynegationofreason.Tobesweptupineverynewcrazethatesalong,tosurrenderyourselftoidiocyjustbecauseeverybodyelseisdoingit--this,tome,istheacmeofmindlessness.Not,however,toPetey.6OneafternoonIfoundPeteylyingonhisbedwithanexpressionofsuchdistressonhisfacethatIimmediatelydiagnosedappendicitis.Don'tmove,Isaid.Don'ttakealaxative.I'llgetadoctor.7Raccoon,hemumbledthickly.8Raccoon?Isaid,pausinginmyflight.91wantaraccooncoat,hewailed.10Iperceivedthathistroublewasnotphysical,butmental.Whydoyouwantaraccooncoat?111shouldhaveknownit,hecried,poundinghistemples.1shouldhaveknownthey'debackwhentheCharlestoncameback.LikeafoolIspentallmymoneyfortextbooks,andnowIcan'tgetaraccooncoat.12Canyoumean.Isaidincredulously,thatpeopleareactuallywearingraccooncoatsagain?13AlltheBigMenonCampusarewearingthem.Where'veyoubeen?14Inthelibrary,Isaid,namingaplacenotfrequentedbyBigMenonCampus15Heleapedfromthebedandpacedtheroom,I'vegottohavearaccooncoat,hesaidpassionately.I'vegotto!16Petey,why?Lookatitrationally.Raccooncoatsareunsanitary.Theyshed.Theysmellbad.Theyweighttoomuch.They'reunsightly.They--17Youdon'tunderstand,heinterruptedimpatiently.It'sthethingtodo.Don'tyouwanttobeintheswim?18No,Isaidtruthfully.19Well,Ido,hedeclared.I'dgiveanythingforaraccooncoat.Anything!20Mybrain,thatprecisioninstrument,slippedintohighgear.Anything?Iasked,lookingathimnarrowly.21Anything,heaffirmedinringingtones.22Istrokedmychinthoughtfully.ItsohappenedthatIknewwheretosetmyhandsonaraccooncoat.Myfatherhadhadoneinhisundergraduatedays;itlaynowinatrunkintheatticbackhome.ItalsohappenedthatPeteyhadsomethingIwanted.Hedidn'thaveitexactly,butatleasthehadfirstrightsonit.Irefertohisgirl,PollyEspy.23IhadlongcovetedPollyEspy.Letmeemphasizethatmydesireforthisyoungwomanwasnotemotionalinnature.Shewas,tobesure,agirlwhoexcitedtheemotionsbutIwasnotonetoletmyheartrulemyhead.IwantedPollyforashrewdlycalculated,entirelycerebralreason.24Iwasafreshmaninlawschool.InafewyearsIwouldbeoutinpractice.Iwaswellawareoftheimportanceoftherightkindofwifeinfurtheringalawyer'scareer.ThesuccessfullawyersIhadobservedwere,almostwithoutexception,marriedtobeautiful,gracious,intelligentwomen.Withoneomission,Pollyfittedthesespecificationsperfectly.25Beautifulshewas.Shewasnotyetofpin-upproportionsbutIfeltsurethattimewouldsupplythelackShealreadyhadthemakings.26Graciousshewas.BygraciousImeanfullofgraces.Shehadanerectnessofcarriage,aneaseofbearing,apoisethatclearlyindicatedthebestofbreeding,Attablehermannerswereexquisite.IhadseenherattheKozyKampusKornereatingthespecialtyofthehouse--asandwichthatcontainedscrapsofpotroast,gravy,choppednuts,andadipperofsauerkraut--withoutevengettingherfingersmoist.27Intelligentshewasnot.infact,sheveeredintheoppositedirection.ButIbelievedthatundermyguidanceshewouldsmartenup.Atanyrate,itwasworthatry.Itis,afterall,easiertomakeabeautifuldumbgirlsmartthantomakeanuglysmartgirlbeautiful.28Petey,Isaid,areyouinlovewithPollyEspy?291thinkshe'sakeenkid,hereplied,butIdon'tknowifyou'dcallitlove.Why?30Doyou,Iasked,haveanykindofformalarrangementwithher?Imeanareyougoingsteadyoranythinglikethat?31No.Weseeeachotherquiteabit,butwebothhaveotherdates.Why?32Isthere,Iasked,anyothermanforwhomshehasaparticularfondness?33NotthatIknowof.Why?34Inoddedwithsatisfaction.Inotherwords,ifyouwereoutofthepicture,thefieldwouldbeopen.Isthatright?351guessso.Whatareyougettingat?36Nothing,nothing,Isaidinnocently,andtookmysuitcaseoutofthecloset.37Whereareyougoing?askedPetey.38Homefortheweekend.Ithrewafewthingsintothebag.39Listen,hesaid,clutchingmyarmeagerly,whileyou'rehome,youcouldn'tgetsomemoneyfromyouroldman,couldyou,andlendittomesoIcanbuyaraccooncoat?401maydobetterthanthat,Isaidwithamysteriouswinkandclosedmybagandleft.41Look,IsaidtoPeteywhenIgotbackMondaymorning.Ithrewopenthesuitcaseandrevealedthehuge,hairy,gamyobjectthatmyfatherhadworninhisStutzBearcatin1925.42HolyToledo!saidPeteyreverently.Heplungedhishandsintot