Seriously-Im-Kidding-Ellen-DeGeneres

ELLENDEGENERESSeriously…I’mKiddingNEWYORK|BOSTONBeginReadingTableofContentsCopyrightPageToallmyfans—There’snojokehere.Thankyouforyoursupport.Seriously…I’mnotkidding.AcknowledgmentsIhadahardtimedecidinghowtolistandacknowledgealltheimportantpeopleinmylife.Iwasgoingtolistpeopleinalphabeticalorder,butIdidn’tthinkthatwouldbefairtoCatherineZeta-Jones.ThenIthoughtmaybeIshouldlisteveryonefromshortesttotallestorthinnesttoheaviest,butthatdidn’tseemrighteither.SoIdecidedtolisteveryonefromsmartesttodumbest.No,that’snottrue.Thislistisinnoparticularorder.Justbecausesomeoneisfirstdoesn’tmeanthey’rethemostimportant.Itdoesn’tmeanthey’renotthemostimportanteither.Iamgratefulforthemall.Soinnoparticularorder,1’dliketothank:Mymother,myfather,mybrother,CraigPeralta,EddyYablans,EstherNewberg,DebFutter,EricGold,CarynWeingarten,HarleyNeuman,KevinYorn,HilaryEsteyMcLoughlin,DavidMcGuire,EdGlavin,MaryConnelly,AndyLassner,LaurenPomerantz,KevinLeman,JasonGelles,andallmywritersonmytalkshow.EventhoughIdidmentionearlierthatthislistisinnoparticularorder,thereisonepersonwhoisthemostimportantpersoninmylife—mywife,Portia.Thankyou.ANotefromtheAuthorDearestReader,Hello.Howareyou?That’sgreattohear.Listen,Iwanttothankyouforbuyingthisbook.We’reabouttobeginabeautifuljourneytogether—onethatisuniqueandspecial.Iknowalotofyoumightwatchmytalkshow,butcommunicatingthroughabookisdifferentthancommunicatingthroughtelevision.Like,onmytalkshowItellyouwhat’sgoingoninmylifeandwhatI’mthinkingabouteachday.Butinthisbook,I’mgoingtotellyouwhat’sgoingoninmylifeandwhatI’mthinkingabout—youknowwhat,Idon’twanttowasteyourtimewithsillycomparisons.ButIbetalotofyouareprobablythinking,Ellen(or“E”dependingonhowwellweknowoneanother),whyareyouwritinganotherbookafteralreadyprovingyourselfbypenningtwowildly,wildlysuccessfultomes?Wellthetruthis,sinceIwrotemylastbookalothashappenedinmylife.Igotmarried.Igotmyowntalkshow.Istartedarecordlabel.IbecameaCoverGirl.IwasDory.IwonanAcademyAward.*IwontheBostonMarathon.**Istartedacompostheap.***AndIwasknightedbytheQueenofEngland.****I’veexperiencedawholelotthelastfewyearsandIhavealottoshare.SoIhopethatyou’lltakeamomenttositback,relax,andenjoythewordsI’veputtogetherforyouinthisbook.Ithinkyou’llfindI’veleftnostoneunturned,nodoorunopened,nowindowunbroken,norugunvacuumed,noivoriesuntickled.WhatI’msayingis,letusbegin,shallwe?WritingThisBookOverthelastyearorsosinceIdecidedtowritethisbook,peoplehavebeenaskingmehowIhavethetimeandwhyIchosetowriteit.Thetruthis,lastJuneIwasdrivingthroughatunnelwhileIwasonthephonewithmyagentandmycellservicewasspotty.Isaid,“IjustgotagreatIKEAtableformybreakfastnook.”MyagentthoughtIsaid,“I’vegotagreatideaformynewestbook.”BythetimewefiguredoutourhilariousmisunderstandingIhadsignedawholebunchofpapers(whohastimetoreadallthosewords?!)andIwasundercontracttowriteabook.Similarly,afewyearsago,Itoldmyagent,“IthinkIgotsomefudgeonmylapel,”andhethoughtIsaid,“IwanttobeajudgeonAmericanIdol.”SincethenIgotanewphone.AndIfoundoutmyagent’snameisMarvin,notBlarvin.Buttherealtruthis,I’mgladIdecidedtowritethisbook.IlovewritingandIdofeellikeI’velearnedalotaboutlifeandloveandother“L”wordssinceIwrotemylastbook,andtherearethingsIwanttosharewiththeworld.Asitturnsout,writingabookishard.It’snotashardasminingcoalorteachingteenagerstodrive,Iknowthat.Butitishard.Ididn’tthinkitwouldbesohardbecauseIgoontelevisioneverydayandtalkforanhourandIusuallyhaveplentytosay.Plus,I’vealreadywrittenotherbooks—twoasmyselfanddozensmoreundermypenname,DanielleSteel.WhenIfirstsatdowntowrite,Istaredattheblankpageandtriedtothinkofsomestrategiesforgettingstarted.WhenIwantaguestonmyshowtostarttalkingandtellingagoodstory,Iaskthemaquestion.SoIaskedmyselfaquestionthatIwouldaskaguest:“WhendidyoufirstfallinlovewithTimMcGraw?”Thatdidn’tgetmeanywhereandIquicklyrealizedIshouldn’taskmyselfquestionsthataresospecifictoFaithHill.SoIaskedmyselfadifferentquestion.“WhatmadeyoutakeontheroleofPrecious?”Thatdidn’twork,either.SothenIbegantothinkaboutyou,thereaders.Whoareyou?Whatareyoudoing?Whatareyouwearing?(Notinaweirdway.)Ithoughtitwouldhelptoputmyselfinyourshoesforamoment.Italwayshelpstothinkaboutotherpeopleinsteadofjustourselves.Like,ifyouwanttoknowwhatI’mdoingrightnow,I’mdrivingtoworkwithmytopdown.Theroofofmyconvertibleisup.Iamwearingaberet—ithelpsmethinkanditmakesmefeelFrench.ThatisalsowhyI’mpretendingtosmokeastraw,andthatisprobablywhyabusfulloftouristsisstaringatme.Sowhatwouldyouliketohearaboutasmyreader?Iwondered.Perhapsyoumightliketohearaboutsomeofthehighlightsthathaveoccurredthroughoutmylifeandcareer,butit’shardtoknowwhathighlightsyouwouldfindexcitingversusthehighlightsIthinkareexciting.Forexample,afewyearsagoIcalledmycreditcardcompanyandgotalatefeereversedthatquitehonestlyIdidn’tthinkthey’dreverse.Thatwasareallybigmomentformebecauseyouknowhowcrankysomecustomerservicerepresentativescanbewhenthey’rehavingabadday.ButIdon’tknowifthatqualifiesasthetypeofhighlightyou’relookingtohearabout.IletmymindwanderthroughsomeofthebiggestmomentsinmylifeandthenIrealizedwhatIneededtodo.SinceIdon’tknowspecificthi