How-I-Got-Smart

SteveBrodyHowIGotSmartAcommonmisconceptionamongyoungstersattendingschoolisthattheirteacherswerechildprodigies.Whoelsebutabookworm,withnoneofthenormalkid'stendencytoplayratherthanstudy,wouldgrowuptobeateacheranyway?I'vetrieddesperatelytoexplaintomystudentsthattheimagetheyhaveofmeasanenthusiasticdevoteeofbooksandhomeworkduringmyadolescencewasabitoutoffocus.Onthecontrary,Ihatedcompulsoryeducationwithapassion.Icouldneverquiteacceptthenotionofhavingtogotoschoolwhilethefishwerebiting.Butinmysophomoreyear,somethingbeautifulandexcitinghappened.Cupidaimedhisarrowandstruckmerightintheheart.Allatonce,Ienjoyedgoingtoschool,ifonlytogazeatthelovelyfaceinEnglishII.Myprincesssatnearthepencilsharpener,andthatyearIgroundupenoughpencilstofuelacampfire.Alas,Debbiewasfarbeyondmywildestdreams.Wewereseparatednotonlybyfiverowsofdesks,butbyabout50I.Q.points.ShewasthetopstudentinEnglishII,theappleofMrs.Larrivee'seye.Occasionally,Debbiewouldcatchmestaringather,andshewouldflashasmilethatradiatedintelligenceandquickenedmyheartbeat.Itwasasmilethatsignaledhopeandmademetemporarilyforgettheintellectualgulfthatseparatedus.Ischemeddesperatelytobridgethatgulf.Andoneday,asIwaspassingthesupermarket,anideacametome.Asigninthewindowannouncedthatthestorewasofferingthefirstvolumeofasetofencyclopediasatthespecialpriceof29cents.Theremainingvolumeswouldcost$2.49each.IpurchasedVolumeI—AardvarktoAsteroid—andbeganmyventureintotheworldofknowledge.Iwouldhenceforthbecomeaseekeroffacts.IwouldbecomeChiefBraininEnglishIIandsweepmyprincessoffherfeetwithasurgeoferudition.Ihaditallplanned.Myfirstopportunitycameonedayinthecafeterialine.Ilookedbehindmeandthereshewas.Hi,shesaid.Afterapause,Iwetmylipsandsaid,Knowwhereanchoviescomefrom?Sheseemedsurprised.No,Idon't.Ibreathedasighofrelief.Theanchovylivesinsaltwaterandisrarelyfoundinfreshwater.Ihadtotalkfast,sothatIcouldgetallthefactsinbeforewereachedthecashregister.FishermencatchanchoviesintheMediterraneanSeaandalongtheAtlanticcoastnearSpainandPortugal.Howfascinating,saidDebbie,shakingherheadindisbelief.ItwasobviousthatIhadmadequiteanimpression.Afewdayslater,duringafiredrill,Icasuallywentuptoherandasked,EverbeentotheAleutianIslands?Neverhave,shereplied.Mightbeaniceplacetovisit,butIcertainlywouldn'twanttolivethere,Isaid.Whynot?saidDebbie,playingrightintomyhands.Well,theclimateisforbidding.Therearenotreesonanyofthe100ormoreislandsinthegroup.Thegroundisrockyandverylittleplantlifecangrowonit.Idon'tthinkI'devencaretovisit,shesaid.Thefiredrillwasoverandwebegantofileintothebuilding,soIhadtostepituptogetthenativesin.TheAleutsareshortandsturdyandhavedarkskinandblackhair.Theyliveonfish,andtheytrapbluefoxesandsealsfortheirvaluablefur.Debbie'seyeswidenedinamazement.OnedayIwasbrowsingthroughthelibrary.IspottedDebbiesittingatatable,absorbedinacrosswordpuzzle.Shewasfrowning,apparentlystumpedonaword.IleanedoverandaskedifIcouldhelp.Four-letterwordforOrientalfemaleservant,Debbiesaid.Tryamah,Isaid,quickasaflash.Debbiefilledintheblanks,thenturnedtostareatmeinamazement.Idon'tbelieveit,shesaid.Ijustdon'tbelieveit.Andsoitwent,thatglorious,joyous,romanticsophomoreyear.Debbieseemedtorelishourlittleconversationsandhungonmyeveryword.Naturally,themoreIread,themoremyconfidencegrew.Intheclassroom,too,Iwasgraduallymakingmypresencefelt.Oneday,duringadiscussionofColeridge'sTheAncientMariner,wecameacrossthewordalbatross.Cananyonetelluswhatanalbatrossis?askedMrs.Larrivee.Myhandshotup.Thealbatrossisalargebirdthatlivesmostlyintheoceanregionsbelowtheequator,butmaybefoundinthenorthPacificaswell.Thealbatrossmeasuresaslongasfourfeetandhasthegreatestwingspreadofanybird.Itfeedsonfishandshellfish.Thealbatrosshasanenormousappetite,andwhenit'sfullithastroublegettingintotheairagain.Therewasalongsilenceintheroom.Mrs.Larriveecouldn'tquitebelievewhatshehadjustheard.IsneakedalookatDebbieandgaveherabigwink.Shebeamedproudlyandwinkedback.WhatIfailedtoperceivewasthatDebbieallthiswhilewasgoingsteadywithajuniorfromaneighboringschool—abasketballplayerwithaC+average.Therevelationhitmehard,andforawhileIfeltlikeforgettingeverythingIhadlearned.IhadsavedenoughmoneytobuyVolumeII—AsthmatoBullfinch—butwasstronglytemptedtoinvestinabasketballinstead.Ifeltnotonlyhurt,butbetrayed.LikeAgamemnon,butwithlessdrasticconsequences,thankGod.IntimeIrecoveredfrommywounds.ThenextyearDebbiemovedfromtheneighborhoodandtransferredtoanotherschool.Soonshebecamenomorethanamemory.Althoughtheoriginalincentivewasgone,Icontinuedporingovertheencyclopedias,aswellasanincreasingnumberofotherbooks.Havingtastedofthewineofknowledge,Icouldnotnowaltermycourse.For:Alittleknowledgeisadangerousthing:Drinkdeep,ortastenotthePierianspring.SowroteAlexanderPope,VolumeXIV—PaprikatoPterodactyl.(1,034words)