Why-Dont-You-Say-What-You---Mean

47WhyDon’tYouSayWhatYouMean?DeborahTannenDirectnessisnotnecessarilylogicaloreffective.Indirectnessisnotnecessarilymanipulativeorinsecure.1Auniversitypresidentwasexpectingavisitfromamemberoftheboardoftrustees.Whenhersecretarybuzzedtotellherthattheboardmemberhadarrived,sheleftherofficeandenteredthereceptionareatogreethim.Beforeusheringhimintoheroffice,shehandedhersecretaryasheetofpaperandsaid:I'vejustfinisheddraftingthisletter.Doyouthinkyoucouldtypeitrightaway?I'dliketogetitoutbeforelunch.AndwouldyoupleasedomeafavorandholdallcallswhileI'mmeetingwithMr.Smith?2Whentheysatdownbehindthecloseddoorofheroffice,Mr.Smithbeganbytellingherthathethoughtshehadspokeninappropriatelytohersecretary.Don'tforget,hesaid.You'rethepresident!3Puttingasidethequestionoftheappropriatenessofhisadmonishingthepresidentonherwayofspeaking,itisrevealing—andrepresentativeofmanyAmericans'assumptions—thattheindirectwayinwhichtheuniversitypresidenttoldhersecretarywhattodostruckhimasself-deprecating.Hetookitasevidencethatshedidn'tthinkshehadtherighttomakedemandsofhersecretary.Heprobablythoughthewasgivingheraneededpeptalk,bolsteringherself-confidence.4Ichallengetheassumptionthattalkinginanindirectwaynecessarilyrevealspowerlessness,lackofself-confidenceoranythingelseaboutthecharacterofthespeaker.Indirectnessisafundamentalelementinhumancommunication.Itisalsooneoftheelementsthatvariesmostfromoneculturetoanother,andonethatcancauseconfusionandmisunderstandingwhenspeakershavedifferenthabitswithregardtousingit.IalsowanttodispeltheassumptionthatAmericanwomentendtobemoreindirectthanAmericanmen.Womenandmenarebothindirect,butinadditiontodifferencesassociatedwiththeirback-grounds—regional,ethnicandclass—theytendtobeindirectindifferentsituationsandindifferentways.5Atwork,weneedtogetotherstodothings,andweallhavedifferentwaysofaccomplishingthis.Anyindividual'swayswillvarydependingonwhoisbeingaddressed—aboss,apeerorasubordinate.Atoneextremearebaldcommands.Attheotherarerequestssoindirectthattheydon'tsoundlikerequestsatall,butarejustastatementofneedoradescriptionofasituation.Peoplewithdirectstylesofaskingotherstodothingsperceiveindirectrequests—iftheyperceivethemasrequestsatall48—asmanipulative.Butthisisoftenjustawayofblamingothersforourdiscomfortwiththeirstyles.6Theindirectstyleisnomoremanipulativethanmakingatelephonecall,askingIsRachelthere?andexpectingwhoeveranswersthephonetoputRachelon.OnlyachildislikelytoanswerYesandcontinueholdingthephone—notoutofornerinessbutbecauseofinexperiencewiththeconventionalmeaningofthequestions.(Amischievousadultmightdoittotease.)Thosewhofeelthatindirectordersareillogicalormanipulativedonotrecognizetheconventionalnatureofindirectrequests.7Issuingordersindirectlycanbetheprerogativeofthoseinpower.Imagine,forexample,amasterwhosaysIt'scoldinhereandexpectsaservanttomakeamovetocloseawindow,whileaservantwhosaysthesamethingisnotlikelytoseehisemployerrisetocorrectthesituationandmakehimmorecomfortable.Indeed,aFrenchmanraisedinBrittanytellsmethathisfamilynevergavebaldcommandstotheirservantsbutalwayscommunicatedordersinindirectandhighlypoliteways.ThispatternrenderslesssurprisingthefindingofDavidBellingerandJeanBerkoGleasonthatfathers'speechtotheiryoungchildrenhadahigherincidencethanmothers'ofbothdirectimperativeslikeTurntheboltwiththewrenchandindirectorderslikeThewheelisgoingtofalloff.8Theuseofindirectnesscanhardlybeunderstoodwithoutthecross-culturalperspective.ManyAmericansfinditself-evidentthatdirectnessislogicalandalignedwithpowerwhileindirectnessisakintodishonestyandreflectssubservience.Butforspeakersraisedinmostoftheworld'scultures,varietiesofindirectnessarethenormincommunication.ThisisthepatternfoundbyaJapanesesociolinguist,KunihikoHarada,inhisanalysisofaconversationherecordedbetweenaJapanesebossandasubordinate.9Themarkersofsuperiorstatuswereclear.OnespeakerwasaJapanesemaninhislate40'swhomanagedthelocalbranchofaJapaneseprivateschoolintheUnitedStates.HisconversationalpartnerwasJapanese-Americanwomaninherearly20'swhoworkedattheschool.Byvirtueofhisjob,hisageandhisnativefluencyinthelanguagebeingtaught,themanwasinthesuperiorposition.Yetwhenheaddressedthewoman,hefrequentlyusedpolitelanguageandalmostalwaysusedindirectness.Forexample,hehadtriedandfailedtofindaphotographystorethatwouldmakeablack-and-whiteprintfromacolornegativeforabrochuretheywereproducing.Heletherknowthathewantedhertotakeoverthetaskbystatingthesituationandallowedhertovolunteertodoit:(ThisisatranslationoftheJapaneseconversation.)Onthismatter,that,that,ontheleaflet?Thisphoto,I'mthinkingofchangingittoblack-and-whiteandmakingitclearer...Iwenttoaphoto49shopandaskedthem.Theysaidtheydidn'tdoblack-and-white.Iaskediftheyknewanyplacethatdid.Theysaidtheydidn'tknow.Theyweren'tveryhelpful,butanyway,aplacemustbefound,thenegativebroughttoit,thepicturedeveloped.10Haradaobserves,Giventhefactthattherearesomedutiestobeperformedandthattherearetwopartiespresent,thesubordinateissupposedtoassumethatthosearehisorherobligation.Itwaspreciselybecauseofhishigherstatusthatthebosswasfreetochoosewhethertospeak