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00:14IfeltaFuneral,inmyBrain,andMournerstoandfrokepttreading--treading--till[itseemed]thatSensewasbreakingthrough--Andwhentheyallwereseated,aService,likeaDrum--keptbeating--beating--tillI[thought]myMindwasgoingnumb--AndthenIheardthemliftaBoxandcreakacrossmySoulwiththosesameBootsofLead,again,thenSpace--begantotoll,As[all]theHeavenswereaBell,andBeing,[but]anEar,andI,andSilence,somestrangeRace,wrecked,solitary,here--[And]thenaPlankinReason,broke,andIfelldownanddown--andhitaWorld,ateveryplunge,andFinishedknowing--then--“我的脑海中，进行着一场葬礼，悼念者络绎不绝不停的走着,踩踏着直到仪式的氛围渐浓当所有人入座仪式开始，敲鼓的声音沉重有力，敲打着,敲打着直到我的意识变得麻木我听见他们抬起棺材沉重的脚步，摇摇晃晃我的灵魂，吱呀作响四周，丧钟响起天堂，就像一个铃铛存在，那么就是一只耳朵安静的我，如同异类在此孤独，在此腐朽失去依靠，理性开始崩塌我从高处坠落跌入一个又一个世界终于，看清01:11Weknowdepressionthroughmetaphors.EmilyDickinsonwasabletoconveyitinlanguage,Goyainanimage.Halfthepurposeofartistodescribesuchiconicstates.我们能够在一些文学作品中看到抑郁的影子艾米莉·迪金森（美国十九世纪著名女诗人）通过诗歌诠释它戈雅（西班牙画家）通过绘画表达许多艺术作品产生的初衷就是为了表达这充满象征意义的状态01:26Asforme,Ihadalwaysthoughtmyselftough,oneofthepeoplewhocouldsurviveifI'dbeensenttoaconcentrationcamp.就我自己来说，我一度认为自己非常坚强认为自己是那一类即使被送去集中营也可以存活下来的人01:35In1991,Ihadaseriesoflosses.Mymotherdied,arelationshipI'dbeeninended,ImovedbacktotheUnitedStatesfromsomeyearsabroad,andIgotthroughallofthoseexperiencesintact.1991年，我经历了一连串的不幸母亲去世爱情终结我也在几年的海外生活之后回到了美国我在经历了这一切之后依旧安然无恙01:49Butin1994,threeyearslater,Ifoundmyselflosinginterestinalmosteverything.Ididn'twanttodoanyofthethingsIhadpreviouslywantedtodo,andIdidn'tknowwhy.Theoppositeofdepressionisnothappiness,butvitality.Anditwasvitalitythatseemedtoseepawayfrommeinthatmoment.Everythingtherewastodoseemedliketoomuchwork.IwouldcomehomeandIwouldseetheredlightflashingonmyansweringmachine,andinsteadofbeingthrilledtohearfrommyfriends,Iwouldthink,Whatalotofpeoplethatistohavetocallback.OrIwoulddecideIshouldhavelunch,andthenIwouldthink,butI'dhavetogetthefoodoutandputitonaplateandcutitupandchewitandswallowit,anditfelttomeliketheStationsoftheCross.然而在1994年，也就是三年之后我突然发现自己对几乎所有的事情都失去了兴趣甚至不愿意去做那些我曾经很想去做的事情我不知道这是为什么抑郁的反面并非快乐，而是活力而正是这样的活力似乎就在那段时间从我的身体中慢慢消失了所有需要完成的事情都感觉那么麻烦回到家的时候看着电话留言机上闪烁的红灯我不但不会因为听到朋友们的声音感到兴奋反而会想怎么有这么多人等我回电话有时该吃午饭了我却开始想，我还得把食物拿出来放到盘子里得切，得嚼，得咽让我感觉就像耶稣受难一样02:44Andoneofthethingsthatoftengetslostindiscussionsofdepressionisthatyouknowit'sridiculous.Youknowit'sridiculouswhileyou'reexperiencingit.Youknowthatmostpeoplemanagetolistentotheirmessagesandeatlunchandorganizethemselvestotakeashowerandgooutthefrontdoorandthatit'snotabigdeal,andyetyouarenonethelessinitsgripandyouareunabletofigureoutanywayaroundit.AndsoIbegantofeelmyselfdoinglessandthinkinglessandfeelingless.Itwasakindofnullity.人们在谈论抑郁时时常忽略了一点那就是你知道这一切都很荒谬即使你正处在抑郁之中，你也知道这一切都很荒谬你知道多数人都可以让自己去听语音留言，去吃午餐紧接着让自己冲个澡然后出门你知道这根本不是什么大不了的事情然而你已经被它掌控并且无法找到任何解决的方式于是我开始感到自己事情做得越来越少思考得越来越少感知得越来越少就好像整个人已经没什么价值了03:21Andthentheanxietysetin.IfyoutoldmethatI'dhavetobedepressedforthenextmonth,Iwouldsay,AslongIknowit'llbeoverinNovember,Icandoit.Butifyousaidtome,Youhavetohaveacuteanxietyforthenextmonth,Iwouldratherslitmywristthangothroughit.Itwasthefeelingallthetimelikethatfeelingyouhaveifyou'rewalkingandyousliportripandthegroundisrushingupatyou,butinsteadoflastinghalfasecond,thewaythatdoes,itlastedforsixmonths.It'sasensationofbeingafraidallthetimebutnotevenknowingwhatitisthatyou'reafraidof.AnditwasatthatpointthatIbegantothinkthatitwasjusttoopainfultobealive,andthattheonlyreasonnottokilloneselfwassoasnottohurtotherpeople.紧接着焦虑就来了如果你告诉我我会在接下来的一个月里一直抑郁我会说，“只要一个月之后不抑郁了我就可以接受。”但如果你告诉我“你会在接下来的一个月里严重焦虑。”那么我宁可割腕也不愿意忍受这是一种持续的感觉就好像你走在路上滑倒了或者绊倒了地面猛冲向你的感觉但这种感觉不是半秒钟而是持续6个月这是一种时时刻刻感到惧怕却不知道自己在惧怕什么的感觉就在那时我开始想活着太痛苦了人不自杀的唯一原因是因为不想伤害身边的人04:08Andfinallyoneday,IwokeupandIthoughtperhapsI'dhadastroke,becauseIlayinbedcompletelyfrozen,lookingatthetelephone,thinking,SomethingiswrongandIshouldcallforhelp,andIcouldn'treachoutmyarmandpickupthephoneanddial.Andfinally,afterfourfullhoursofmylyingandstaringatit,thephonerang,andsomehowImanagedtopickitup,anditwasmyfather,andIsaid,I'minserioustrouble.Weneedtodosomething.终于有一天，我醒来的时候我觉得我可能中风了因为我躺在床上整个人是完全僵硬的我看着电话，心想“不好了，我该打电话求助。”但我没办法伸出手去没有办法拿到电话来拨号终于，在我躺在那盯着电话整整四小时之后电话铃响了我不记得自己怎么拿到的电话是我父亲打来的我说，“我现在遇到大麻烦了，我们必须做点什么。”04:40ThenextdayIstartedwiththemedicationsandthetherapy.AndIalsostartedreckoningwiththisterriblequestion:IfI'mnotthetoughpersonwhocouldhavemadeitthroughaconcentrationcamp,thenwhoamI?AndifIhavetotakemedication,isthatmedicationmakingmemorefullymyself,orisitmakingmesomeoneelse?AndhowdoIfeelaboutitifit'smakingmesomeoneelse?第二天我开始吃药开始接受治疗与此同时我开始思考一个可怕的问题如果我不是那种坚强到即使被送去集中营也可以存活下来的人那么我是谁呢？如果我需要吃药的话那么药物是让我变得更像自己还是让我更不像自己？如果会让我变得像别人那么我又如何感觉到这点呢？05:09IhadtwoadvantagesasIwentintothefight.ThefirstisthatIknewthat,objectivelyspeaking,Ihadanicelife,andthatifIcouldonlygetwell,therewassomethingattheotherendthatwasworthlivingfor.AndtheotherwasthatIhadaccesstogoodtreatment.在这个抗争的过程中我有两个优势首先是我很清楚，客观地说我有一个不错的生活条件如果我能好起来那么最终是会有一些东西值得我去为之而活的另外一点就是我能接受好的治疗05:25ButInonethelessemergedandrelapsed,andemergedandrelapsed,andemergedandrelapsed,andfinallyunderstoodIwouldhavetobeonmedicationandintherapyforever.AndIthought,Butisitachemic