Unit-3help-yourself-through-the-hard-times

Helpyourselfthroughthehardtimes1SomeyearsagoIhadwhatmostwouldcalltheAmericanDream：athrivingconstructionbusiness，acomfortablehome，twonewcarsandasailboat。Moreover，Iwashappilymarried。Ihaditall。2Thenthestockmarketcrashed，andsuddenlynoonewaslookingatthehousesI’dbuilt。Monthsofmurderousinterestpaymentgobbledupmysavings。Icouldn’tmakeendsmeetandlayawakenightsinacoldsweat。JustwhenIthoughtthingscouldn’tgetworse，mywifeannouncedthatshewantedadivorce。3Withnoideawhattodonext，Iresolvedliterallyto“sailoffintothesunset，”followingthecoastlineformConnecticuttoFlorida。ButsomewhereoffNewJerseyIturneddueeast，straightouttosea。Hourslater，IclimbeduponthesternrailandwatchedthedarkAtlanticslipbeneaththehull。Howeasyitwouldbetoletthewatertakeme，Ithought。4Suddenlytheboatplummetedbetweentwoswells，knockingmeoffbalance。Igrabbedtherail，myfeetdragginginicybrine，andjustmanagedtohaulmyselfbackonboard。Shaken，Ithought，what’shappeningtome？Idon’twanttodie。Fromthatmoment，IknewIhadtoseethingsthrough。Myoldlifewasgone。SomehowI’dhavetobuildanewone。5Everyone，atsomepoint，willsufferaloss-thelossoflovedones，goodhealth，ajob。“it’syour‘desertexperience’-atimeoffeelingbarrenofoptions，evenhope，”explainsPatrickDelZoppo，apsychologistandbereavementspecialistwiththeArchdioceseofNewYork。“theimportantthingisnottoallowyourselftobestrandedinthedesert。”6LetYourselfGrieve。Counselorsagreethataperiodofgrievingiscritical。“there’snoshameinthis，”saysDelZoppo。“tearsaren’tasignthatyou’resimplyfeelingsorryforyourselfbutareanexpressionofsadnessoremotionthatmustfindanoutlet。”7Anditdoesn’tmatterifthegrievingtakesawhiletosurface，aslongasitfinallyfindsexpression。ConsiderthecaseofDonnaKelbofSyracuse，N.Y.Onespringdayher16-year-oldson，Cliff，Jr.and15-year-oldson，Jimmy，wheresandingtheirboat，preparingitfortheseason。SuddenlyDonnaheardascream。Rushingoutside，shefoundhertwosonslyingonthegroundneartheboat。8Jimmyhadgoneintothewaterandreturneddrippingwet.Whenhepickedupthesander,hewaselectrocuted.Cliff,knockedtothegroundbythecurrentwhenhetriedtograbthetool,recovered.9Donnawassonumbedbythistragedythatshedidn’tcryforweeks–notevenatthefuneral.Thenbackatworkoneday,shebegantofeeldizzy.”FinallyIwenthome,lockedmyselfinmyroomandjustwailed.”Shesays,”itwasasthoughthisgreatweightwasbeingliftedfrommyshoulders.”10WhatKelbexperiencedafterhertragiclosswaswhatDelZoppocallsa“frist-linedefensethatshieldstheconsciousnessfromsomeextremelyuppleasantreality.”Kelbcouldn’tbeginherhealingprocessuntilnaturehadallowedhertimetosortouthertragedy.”11UnderstandYourAnger.”Angerisnatural.”saysDelZoppo,”butitcanbereleasedinawholesomeway.”Properlyunderstood,itcanserveyourrecovery.12CandaceBracken’sfutureseemedfullofpromise.The25-year-oldairlineservicecoordinatorhadanewbabyandanewjob.Thenoneday,shebeganhemorrhaginguncontrollably.Acuteleukemiawasdiagnosed,andBrackenwasgiventwoweekstolive.Aftertheinitialshock,shefeltangry.”Ihadtakencareofmyself,livedastraightandnarrowlife,”saysBrackenofMiami.”thingslikethisweren’tsupposedtohappentopeoplelikeme.”13Shereeledatthethoughtofherimminentdeath,andwithdrew.”Ijustgaveup,”shesays.Thenadoctortoldhersheneededtoarrangeforsomeonetocareforherdaughter.”Howdareyoutellmetofindsomeoneelsetoraisemychild!”Brackensnapped.Atthatmoment,sherealizedthatshehadstrongreasonstofightforherlife.Heranger,formerlycrippling,nowsparkedher.Ithelpedseeherthroughaharrowing,butultimatelysuccessful,bone-marrowtransplant.14FacetheChallenge.Anotherobstacleontheroadtohealthafterasignificantlosscanbedenial.Insteadoffacingwhathashappenedtothem,saysDr.MichaelAronoff,psychiatristandaspokespersonfortheAmericanPsychiatricAssociation,manypeople“trytofillupthatemptyfeelinglookingforanescape.”Themanwhorarelytouchedadrinkwillbeginhittingthebottle.Awomanwhowatchedherweightwillovereat.Others,likeme,tryliterallyto“runaway.”15Afterworkingforbossesallhislife,JohnJankowskiofStatenIsland,N.Y.,hadalwayslongedtohavehisownoptionsandstock-tradingfirm.Hefinallygotthestart-upmoneyanddidwell.Thencameadownturninbusiness,andbeforelongJankowskiwasinseriousfinancialtrouble.16“ItwaslikeI’drunintoabrickwallandmywholelifehadbeenshattered,”hesays.Withfinancialresourcesexhaustedandthepressureofafamilytosupport,Jankowski’sthoughtsturnedtoescape.17Onemorning,whileonarun,hejustkeptgoing.Afterjoggingwestwardfortwohours,hestaggeredbackhome.”ItfinallydawnedonmethatIcouldn’trunawayfrommytroubles.Theonlythingthatmadesensewastofaceuptomysituation,”hesays.AdmittingfailurewasthetoughestpartbutIhadtobeforeIcouldgetonwithmylife.”18GetOutandDo!Afterafewweeks,Iurgepeoplerecoveringfromlosstogetbackintoaroutine,sayspsychiatristandBostonUniversityprofessorBesselA.vanderKolk.It'simportanttoforceyourselftoconcentrateonthingsotherthanyourhurt.Considertheseactivities.19Joinasupportgroup.Onceyou'vemadethedecisiontogetonwithlife,you'llneedsomeonetotalkto-----andthemosteffectivekindofconversationcanbewithsomeoneelsewhohasundergoneanordeal.20Read.Whenyoucanfocusaftertheinitialshock,reading,especiallyself-helpbooks,canofferinspirationasrelaxation.21Keepajournal.Manyfindcomfortincrestingan