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101TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate(ThePilot-TheUncutVersion)[Scene:CentralPerk,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaarethere.]Monica:There'snothingtotell!He'sjustsomeguyIworkwith!Joey:Comeon,you'regoingoutwiththeguy!There'sgottabesomethingwrongwithhim!Chandler:AllrightJoey,benice.Sodoeshehaveahump?Ahumpandahairpiece?Phoebe:Wait,doesheeatchalk?(Theyallstare,bemused.)Phoebe:Just,'cause,Idon'twanthertogothroughwhatIwentthroughwithCarl-oh!Monica:Okay,everybodyrelax.Thisisnotevenadate.It'sjusttwopeoplegoingouttodinnerand-nothavingsex.Chandler:Soundslikeadatetome.[TimeLapse]Chandler:Alright,soI'mbackinhighschool,I'mstandinginthemiddleofthecafeteria,andIrealizeIamtotallynaked.All:Oh,yeah.Hadthatdream.Chandler:ThenIlookdown,andIrealizethere'saphone...there.Joey:Insteadof...?Chandler:That'sright.Joey:Neverhadthatdream.Phoebe:No.Chandler:Allofasudden,thephonestartstoring.NowIdon'tknowwhattodo,everybodystartslookingatme.Monica:Andtheyweren'tlookingatyoubefore?!Chandler:Finally,IfigureI'dbetteranswerit,anditturnsoutit'smymother,whichisvery-veryweird,because-shenevercallsme![TimeLapse,Rosshasentered.]Ross:(mortified)Hi.Joey:Thisguysayshello,Iwannakillmyself.101试播莫妮卡的新室友没什么好说的！他不过是我的同事！少来了，你和那个人一起出去！拜托，和你交往的男人一定有问题！打住，乔伊，嘴下留德。他驼背？既驼背又带假发？慢着，他吃粉笔吗？我只是不想你重蹈我和卡尔的覆辙。各位别急，这不算约会。我们不过是出去吃晚餐，而且不做爱。听起来好像是说我的约会。记得中学时代的梦，我站在自助餐厅，突然发现自己全身赤裸。我做过那样的梦。我低头一看，看见有一支电话……在那儿。而不是……？没错。我没做过那样的梦,没有。那支电话突然响起，而我不知道怎么办，每个人都开始望着我。他们以前不看你吗？！终于，我认为我应该接，结果是我妈打来，我感到很奇怪，因为我妈不曾打过电话给我！嗨。这家伙向我打招呼时我就想自杀。Monica:Areyouokay,sweetie?Ross:Ijustfeellikesomeonereacheddownmythroat,grabbedmysmallintestine,pulleditoutofmymouthandtieditaroundmyneck...Chandler:Cookie?Monica:(explainingtotheothers)Carolmovedherstuffouttoday.Joey:Ohh.Monica:(toRoss)Letmegetyousomecoffee.Ross:Thanks.Phoebe:Ooh!Oh!(ShestartstopluckattheairjustinfrontofRoss.)Ross:No,nodon't!Stopcleansingmyaura!No,justleavemyauraalone,okay?Phoebe:Fine!Bemurky!Ross:I'llbefine,alright?Really,everyone.Ihopeshe'llbeveryhappy.Monica:Noyoudon't.Ross:NoIdon't,tohellwithher,sheleftme!Joey:Andyouneverknewshewasalesbian...Ross:No!!Okay?!Whydoeseveryonekeepfixatingonthat?Shedidn'tknow,howshouldIknow?Chandler:SometimesIwishIwasalesbian...(Theyallstareathim.)DidIsaythatoutloud?Ross:Itoldmomanddadlastnight,theyseemedtotakeitprettywell.Monica:Ohreally,sothathystericalphonecallIgotfromawomanatsobbing3:00A.M.,I'llneverhavegrandchildren,I'llneverhavegrandchildren.waswhat?Awrongnumber?Ross:Sorry.Joey:AlrightRoss,look.You'refeelingalotofpainrightnow.You'reangry.You'rehurting.CanItellyouwhattheansweris?(Rossgestureshisconsent.)Joey:Stripjoint!C'mon,you'resingle!Havesomehormones!Ross:Idon'twanttobesingle,okay?Ijust...Ijust-Ijustwannabemarriedagain!(Rachelentersinawetweddingdressandstartstosearchtheroom.)Chandler:AndIjustwantamilliondollars!(Heextendshishand你还好吧？我感觉有人把手伸入我的喉咙，抓起我的肠子，从我的口中取出，然后绑在我脖上……饼干？卡罗今天把她的东西搬走了。-我帮你泡杯咖啡，谢了。不要……别清理我的灵气。可是……别碰我的灵气就是了。好吧，保持晦气！我会没事的，真的，我祝她幸福。-不，你不会的，没错，-我不会的，去她的，她甩掉我！而且你一直都不知道她是女同性恋者。没有！！行了吧？！为何大家都围着这个话题打转？连她不知道，我怎会知道。有时真希望自己也是个女同志。我刚刚大声说出来了吗？昨晚我告诉我父母，他们好像还挺好。真的吗，凌晨三点我接到一个电话，一个女人歇斯底里的向我哭诉，“我不能抱孙子了，我不能抱孙子了。”那是什么？打错了？对不起。别闷闷不乐了，罗斯。你现在很痛苦。你一肚子火,心如刀割。我能告诉你解决之道吗？脱衣舞酒店。你单身，有性需求。我不想单身的。我只想再结婚。我只想要一百万！hopefully.)Monica:Rachel?!Rachel:OhGodMonicahi!ThankGod!Ijustwenttoyourbuildingandyouweren'tthereandthenthisguywithabighammersaidyoumightbehereandyouare,youare!Waitress:CanIgetyousomecoffee?Monica:(pointingatRachel)De-caff.(toAll)Okay,everybody,thisisRachel,anotherLincolnHighsurvivor.(toRachel)Thisiseverybody,thisisChandler,andPhoebe,andJoey,and-youremembermybrotherRoss?Rachel:Hi,sure!Ross:Hi.(TheygotohugbutRoss'sumbrellaopens.Hesitsbackdowndefeatedagain.AmomentofsilencefollowsasRachelsitsandtheothersexpecthertoexplain.)Monica:Soyouwannatellusnow,orarewewaitingforfourwetbridesmaids?Rachel:OhGod...well,itstartedaboutahalfhourbeforethewedding.Iwasintheroomwherewewerekeepingallthepresents,andIwaslookingatthisgravyboat.ThisreallygorgeousLamaugegravyboat.Whenallofasudden-(tothewaitressthatbroughthercoffee)Sweet'n'Lo?-IrealizedthatIwasmoreturnedonbythisgravyboatthanbyBarry!AndthenIgotreallyfreakedout,andthat'swhenithitme:howmuchBarrylookslikeMr.PotatoHead.Y'know,Imean,Ialwaysknewlookedfamiliar,but...Anyway,Ijusthadtogetoutofthere,andIstartedwondering'WhyamIdoingthis,andwhoamIdoingthisfor?'.(toMonica)SoanywayIjustdidn'tknowwheretogo,andIknowthatyouandIhavekindadriftedapart,butyou'retheonlypersonIknewwholivedhereinthecity.Monica:Whowasn'tinvitedtothewedding.Rachel:Ooh,Iwaskindahopingthatwouldn'tbeanissue...[Scene:Monica'sApartment,everyoneisthereandwatchingaSpanishSoaponTVandaretryingtofigureoutwhatisgoingon.]瑞秋？！天啊，莫妮卡，谢天谢地！我到过你的住处，你不在。有个拿着一根大榔头的人说你可能会在这儿，结果你真的在这儿。想来杯咖啡吗？无咖啡因的。各位，她叫瑞秋，另一位从林肯高中生存下来的人。这位叫钱德勒，菲比，乔伊。还记得我哥罗斯吗？当然。嗨。你想现在告诉我们，还是等四位伴娘来了再说？婚礼前半个小时发生了变数。我在堆放礼物的房间里，看着船形卤肉盘，非常漂亮的船形卤肉盘，突然间……（有没有代糖？）我了解船形卤肉盘此巴瑞更能引起我的“性趣”，我自己都吓了一跳，巴瑞愈看愈像猪头先生。我一直都认为他很眼熟。总之,我必须离开。我开始想，我为何这么做？我为谁这样做？于是我不知该走往何处，我知道你我日渐疏远。但是你是我在这个城市，认识的唯一一个人。没被受邀参加婚礼的人。这件事就甭提啦。Monica:NowI'mguessingthatheboughtherthebigpipeorgan,andshe'sreallynothappyabouti