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Unit3LyingTextATheTruthAboutLying1.I'vebeenwantingtowriteonasubjectthatintriguesandchallengesme:thesubjectoflying.I'vefounditverydifficulttodo.EveryoneI'vetalkedtohasaquiteintenseandpersonalbutoftenratherintolerantpointofviewaboutwhatwecan—andcannevernever—tellliesabout.I'vefinallyreachedtheconclusionthatIcan'tpresentanyultimateconclusions,fortoomanypeoplewouldpromptlydisagree.Instead,I'dliketopresentaseriesofmoralpuzzles,allconcernedwithlying.I'lltellyouwhatIthinkaboutthem.Doyouagree?SocialLies2.MostofthepeopleI'vetalkedwithsaythattheyfindsociallyingacceptableandnecessary.Theythinkit'sthecivilizedwayforfolkstobehave.Withouttheselittlewhitelies,theysay,ourrelationshipswouldbeshortandbrutishandnasty.It'sarrogant,theysay,toinsistonbeingsoincorruptibleandsobravethatyoucauseotherpeopleunnecessaryembarrassmentorpainbycompulsivelyassailingthemwithyourhonesty.Ibasicallyagree.Whataboutyou?3.Willyousaytopeople,whenitsimplyisn'ttrue,Ilikeyournewhairdo,You'relookingmuchbetter,it'ssonicetoseeyou,Ihadawonderfultime?4.Willyoupraisehideouspresentsandhomelykids?5.WillyoudeclineinvitationswithWe'rebusythatnight—sosorrywecan'tcome,whenthetruthisyou'dratherstayhomethandinewiththeSo-and-sos?6.Andeventhough,asIdo,youmaypreferthepoliteevasionofYoureallycookedupastorminsteadofThesoup—whichtasteslikewarmed-overcoffee—iswonderful,willyou,ifyoumust,proclaimitwonderful?7.There'sonemanIknowwhoabsolutelyrefusestotellsociallies.Ican'tplaythatgame,hesays;I'msimplynotmadethatway.Andhisanswertotheargumentthatsayingnicethingstosomeonedoesn'tcostanythingis,Yes,itdoes—itdestroysyourcredibility.Now,hewon't,unsolicited,offerhisviewsonthepaintingyoujustbought,butyoudon'taskhisfrankopinionunlessyouwantfrank,andhissilenceatthosemomentswhentherestofusliarsaremuttering,Isn'titlovely?is,forthemostpart,eloquentenough.Myfrienddoesnotindulgeinwhathecallsflattery,falsepraiseandmellifluouscomments.Whenotherstellfibshewillnotgoalong.Hesaysthatsociallyingislying,thatlittlewhiteliesarestilllies.Andhefeelsthattellingliesismorallywrong.Whataboutyou?Peace-KeepingLies8.Manypeopletellpeace-keepinglies:liesdesignedtoavoidirritationorargument,liesdesignedtosheltertheliarfrompossibleblameorpain;lies(orsoitisrationalized)designedtokeeptroubleatbaywithouthurtinganyone.9.Itelltheseliesattimes,andyetIalwaysfeelthey'rewrong.Iunderstandwhywetellthem,butstilltheyfeelwrong.AndwheneverIliesothatsomeonewon'tdisapproveofmeorthinklessofmeorholleratme,IfeelI'mabitofacoward,IfeelI'mdodgingresponsibility,Ifeel...guilty.Whataboutyou?10.Doyou,whenyou'relateforadatebecauseyouoverslept,saythatyou'relatebecauseyougotcaughtinatrafficjam?11.Doyou,whenyouforgettocallafriend,saythatyoucalledseveraltimesbutthelinewasbusy?12.Doyou,whenyoudidn'trememberthatitwasyourfather'sbirthday,saythathispresentmustbedelayedinthemail?13.Andwhenyou'replanningaweekendinNewYorkCityandyou'renotinthemoodtovisityourmother,wholivesthere,doyouconceal—withalie,ifyoumust—thefactthatyou'llbeinNewYork?Ordoyouhavethecourage—orisitthecruelty?—tosay,I'llbeinNewYork,butsorry—Idon'tplanonseeingyou?14.(DaveandhiswifeElainehavetwoquitedifferentpointsofviewonthisverysubject.Hecallsheracoward.Shesaysshe'sbeingwise.HesaysshemustassertherrighttovisitNewYorksometimesandnotseehermother.Towhichshealwayspatientlyreplies:Whyshouldwehaveuselessfights?Mymother'stoooldtochange.WegetalongmuchbetterwhenIlietoher.)15.Finally,doyoukeepthepeacebytellingyourhusbandliesonthesubjectofmoney?Doyoureducewhatyoureallypaidforyourshoes?Andingeneraldoyoufindyourselfready,willingandabletolietohimwhenyoumakeabsurdmistakesorloseorbreakthings?16.Iusedtohavearomanticideathatpartofintimacywasconfessingeverydumbthingthatyoudidtoyourhusband.Butafteracoupleofyearsofthat,saysLaura,haveIchangedmymind!17.Andhavingchangedhermind,shefindsherselftellingpeacekeepinglies.Andyes,Itellthemtoo.Whataboutyou?ProtectiveLies18.Protectiveliesareliesfolkstell—oftenquiteseriouslies—becausethey'reconvincedthatthetruthwouldbetoodamaging.Theyliebecausetheyfeeltherearecertainhumanvaluesthatsupersedethewrongofhavinglied.Theylie,notforpersonalgain,butbecausetheybelieveit'sforthegoodofthepersonthey'relyingto.Theylietothosetheylove,tothosewhotrustthemmostofall,onthegroundsthatbreakingthistrustisjustified.19.Theymaylietotheirchildrenonmoneyormaritalmatters.20.Theymaylietothedyingaboutthestateoftheirhealth.21.Theymaylietotheirclosestfriendbecausethetruthabouthertalentsorsonorpsychewouldbe—orsotheyinsist—utterlydevastating.22.Isometimestellsuchlies,butI'mawarethatit'squitepresumptuoustoclaimIknowwhat'sbestforotherstoknow.That'scalledplayingGod.That'scalledmanipulationandcontrol.Andwenevercanbesure,oncewestarttojugglelies,justwherethey'llland,exactlywherethey'llroll.23.Andfurthermore,wemayfindourselveslyinginordertobackuptheliesthatarebackingupthelieweinitiallytold.24.Andfurthermore—let'sbehonest—ifconditionswerereversed,wecertainlywouldn'twantanyonelyingtous.25.Yet,havingsaidallthat,Istillbelievethattherearetimeswhenprotectiveliesmustnonethelessbetold.Whataboutyou?Trust-KeepingLies26.Ano