10ways-to-have-a-better-conversation

10waystohaveabetterconversationAllright,Iwanttoseeashowofhands:howmanyofyouhaveunfriendedsomeoneonFacebookbecausetheysaidsomethingoffensiveaboutpoliticsorreligion,childcare,food?Andhowmanyofyouknowatleastonepersonthatyouavoidbecauseyoujustdon'twanttotalktothem?Youknow,itusedtobethatinordertohaveapoliteconversation,wejusthadtofollowtheadviceofHenryHigginsinMyFairLady:Sticktotheweatherandyourhealth.Butthesedays,withclimatechangeandanti-vaxxing,thosesubjects--arenotsafeeither.Sothisworldthatwelivein,thisworldinwhicheveryconversationhasthepotentialtodevolveintoanargument,whereourpoliticianscan'tspeaktooneanotherandwhereeventhemosttrivialofissueshavesomeonefightingbothpassionatelyforitandagainstit,it'snotnormal.PewResearchdidastudyof10,000Americanadults,andtheyfoundthatatthismoment,wearemorepolarized,wearemoredivided,thanweeverhavebeeninhistory.We'relesslikelytocompromise,whichmeanswe'renotlisteningtoeachother.Andwemakedecisionsaboutwheretolive,whotomarryandevenwhoourfriendsaregoingtobe,basedonwhatwealreadybelieve.Again,thatmeanswe'renotlisteningtoeachother.Aconversationrequiresabalancebetweentalkingandlistening,andsomewherealongtheway,welostthatbalance.Now,partofthatisduetotechnology.Thesmartphonesthatyoualleitherhaveinyourhandsorcloseenoughthatyoucouldgrabthemreallyquickly.AccordingtoPewResearch,aboutathirdofAmericanteenagerssendmorethanahundredtextsaday.Andmanyofthem,almostmostofthem,aremorelikelytotexttheirfriendsthantheyaretotalktothemfacetoface.There'sthisgreatpieceinTheAtlantic.ItwaswrittenbyahighschoolteachernamedPaulBarnwell.Andhegavehiskidsacommunicationproject.Hewantedtoteachthemhowtospeakonaspecificsubjectwithoutusingnotes.Andhesaidthis:Icametorealize...Icametorealizethatconversationalcompetencemightbethesinglemostoverlookedskillwefailtoteach.Kidsspendhourseachdayengagingwithideasandeachotherthroughscreens,butrarelydotheyhaveanopportunitytohonetheirinterpersonalcommunicationsskills.Itmightsoundlikeafunnyquestion,butwehavetoaskourselves:Isthereany21st-centuryskillmoreimportantthanbeingabletosustaincoherent,confidentconversation?Now,Imakemylivingtalkingtopeople:NobelPrizewinners,truckdrivers,billionaires,kindergartenteachers,headsofstate,plumbers.ItalktopeoplethatIlike.ItalktopeoplethatIdon'tlike.ItalktosomepeoplethatIdisagreewithdeeplyonapersonallevel.ButIstillhaveagreatconversationwiththem.SoI'dliketospendthenext10minutesorsoteachingyouhowtotalkandhowtolisten.Manyofyouhavealreadyheardalotofadviceonthis,thingslikelookthepersonintheeye,thinkofinterestingtopicstodiscussinadvance,look,nodandsmiletoshowthatyou'repayingattention,repeatbackwhatyoujustheardorsummarizeit.SoIwantyoutoforgetallofthat.Itiscrap.Thereisnoreasontolearnhowtoshowyou'repayingattentionifyouareinfactpayingattention.Now,IactuallyusetheexactsameskillsasaprofessionalinterviewerthatIdoinregularlife.So,I'mgoingtoteachyouhowtointerviewpeople,andthat'sactuallygoingtohelpyoulearnhowtobebetterconversationalists.Learntohaveaconversationwithoutwastingyourtime,withoutgettingbored,and,pleaseGod,withoutoffendinganybody.We'veallhadreallygreatconversations.We'vehadthembefore.Weknowwhatit'slike.Thekindofconversationwhereyouwalkawayfeelingengagedandinspired,orwhereyoufeellikeyou'vemadearealconnectionoryou'vebeenperfectlyunderstood.Thereisnoreasonwhymostofyourinteractionscan'tbelikethat.SoIhave10basicrules.I'mgoingtowalkyouthroughallofthem,buthonestly,ifyoujustchooseoneofthemandmasterit,you'llalreadyenjoybetterconversations.Numberone:Don'tmultitask.AndIdon'tmeanjustsetdownyourcellphoneoryourtabletoryourcarkeysorwhateverisinyourhand.Imean,bepresent.Beinthatmoment.Don'tthinkaboutyourargumentyouhadwithyourboss.Don'tthinkaboutwhatyou'regoingtohavefordinner.Ifyouwanttogetoutoftheconversation,getoutoftheconversation,butdon'tbehalfinitandhalfoutofit.Numbertwo:Don'tpontificate.Ifyouwanttostateyouropinionwithoutanyopportunityforresponseorargumentorpushbackorgrowth,writeablog.Now,there'sareallygoodreasonwhyIdon'tallowpunditsonmyshow:Becausethey'rereallyboring.Ifthey'reconservative,they'regoingtohateObamaandfoodstampsandabortion.Ifthey'reliberal,they'regoingtohatebigbanksandoilcorporationsandDickCheney.Totallypredictable.Andyoudon'twanttobelikethat.Youneedtoentereveryconversationassumingthatyouhavesomethingtolearn.ThefamedtherapistM.ScottPecksaidthattruelisteningrequiresasettingasideofoneself.Andsometimesthatmeanssettingasideyourpersonalopinion.Hesaidthatsensingthisacceptance,thespeakerwillbecomelessandlessvulnerableandmoreandmorelikelytoopenuptheinnerrecessesofhisorhermindtothelistener.Again,assumethatyouhavesomethingtolearn.BillNye:Everyoneyouwillevermeetknowssomethingthatyoudon't.Iputitthisway:Everybodyisanexpertinsomething.Numberthree:Useopen-endedquestions.Inthiscase,takeacuefromjournalists.Startyourquestionswithwho,what,when,where,whyorhow.Ifyouputinacomplicatedquestion,you'regoingtogetasimpleanswerout.IfIaskyou,Wereyouterrified?you'regoingtorespondtothemostpowerfulwordinthatsentence,whichisterrified,andtheanswerisYes,IwasorNo,Iwasn't.Wereyouangry?Yes,Iwasvery