Is-Love-an-Art

IsLoveanArt?ErichFrommIsLoveanart?Thenitrequiresknowledgeandeffort.Orisloveapleasantsensation,whichtoexperiencesisamatterofchance,somethingonefallsintroifoneislucky?Undoubtedly,themajorityofpeopletodaybelieveinthelatter.Notthatpeoplethinkthatloveisnotimportant.Theyarestarvedforit;theywatchendlessnumbersoffilmsabouthappyandunhappylovestories,theylistentohundredsoftrashysongsabutlove-yethardlyanyonethinksthatthereisanythingthatneedstobelearnedaboutlove.Thispeculiarattitudeisbasedonseveralpremiseswhicheithersinglyorcombinedlytendtoupholdit.Mostpeopleseetheproblemofloveprimarilyasthatof“beingloved”,ratherthanthatof“loving”,ofone'scapacitytolove.Hencetheproblemtothemishowtobeloved,howtobelovable.Inpursuitofthisaimtheyfollowseveralpaths.One,whichisespeciallyusedbymen,istobesuccessful,tobeaspowerfulandrichasthesocialmarginofone'spositionpermits.Another,usedespeciallybywomen,istomakeoneselfattractive,bycultivatingone'sbody,dress,etc.Otherwaysofmakingoneselfattractive,usedbothbymenandwomen,aretodeveloppleasantmanners,interestingconversation,tobehelpful,modest,inoffensive.Manyofthewaystomakeoneselflovablearethesameasthoseusedtomakeoneselfsuccessful,towinfriendsandinfluencepeople.Asamatteroffact,whatmostpeopleinourculturemeanbybeinglovableisessentiallyamixturebetweenbeingpopularandhavingsexappeal.Asecondpremisebehindtheattitudethatthereisnothingtobelearnedaboutloveistheassumptionthattheproblemofloveistheproblemofan“object”,nottheproblemofa“faculty”.Peoplethinkthatto“love”issimple,butthattofindtherightobjecttolove-ortobelovedby-isdifficult.Thisattitudehasseveralreasonsrootedinthedevelopmentofmodernsociety.Onereasonisthegreatchangewhichoccurredinthe20thcenturywithrespecttothechoiceofa“loveobject”.IntheVictorianage,asinmanytraditionalcultures,lovewasmostlynotaspontaneouspersonalexperiencewhichthenmightleadtomarriage.Onthecontrary,marriagewascontractedbyconvention-eitherbytherespectivefamilies,orbyamarriagebroker,orwithoutthehelpofsuchconsiderations;itwasconcludedonthebasisofsocialconsiderations,andlovewassupposedtodeveloponcethemarriagehadbeenconcluded.InthelastfewgenerationstheconceptofromanticlovehasbecomealmostuniversalintheWesternworld.IntheUnitedStates,whileconsiderationsofaconventionalnaturearenotentirelyabsent,toavastextentpeopleareinsearchof“romanticlove”,ofthepersonalexperienceoflovewhichthenshouldleadtomarriage.Thisnewconceptoffreedominlovemusthavegreatlyenhancedtheimportanceofthe“object”asagainsttheimportanceofthe“function”.Closelyrelatedtothisfactorisanotherfeaturecharacteristicofcontemporaryculture.Ourwholecultureisbasedontheappetiteforbuying,ontheideaofmutuallyfavorableexchange.Modernman'shappinessconsistsinthethrilloflookingattheshopwindows,andinbuyingallthathecanaffordtobuy,eitherforcashoroninstallments.He(orshe)looksatpeopleinasimilarway.Forthemananattractivegirl,andforthewomananattractiveman,aretheprizestheyareafter.“Attractive”usuallymeansanicepackageofqualitieswhicharepopularandsought-afteronthepersonalitymarket.Whatspecificallymakesapersonattractivedependsonthefashionofthetime,physicallyaswellasmentally.Duringthetwenties,adrinkingandsmokinggirl,toughandsexy,wasattractive;todaythefashiondemandsmoredomesticityandcoyness.Attheendofthe19thandthebeginningofthe20thcentury,amanhadtobeaggressiveandambitious-todayhehastobesocialandtolerant-inordertobeanattractivepackage.Atanyrate,thesenseoffallinginlovedevelopsusuallyonlywithregardtosuchhumancommoditiesasarewithinreachofone'sownpossibilitiesforexchange.Iamoutforabargain;theobjectshouldbedesirablefromthestandpointofitssocialvalue,andatthesametimeshouldwantme,consideringmyovertandhiddenassetsandpotentialities.Twopersonsthusfallinlovewhentheyfeeltheyhavefoundthebestobjectavailableonthemarket,consideringthelimitationsoftheirownexchangevalues.Often,asinbuyingrealestate,thehiddenpotentialitieswhichcanbedevelopedplayaconsiderableroleinthisbargain.Inacultureinwhichthemarketingorientationprevails,andinwhichmaterialsuccessistheoutstandingvalue,thereislittlereasontobesurprisedthathumanloverelationsfollowthesamepatternofexchangewhichgovernsthecommodityandthelabormarket.Thethirderrorleadingtotheassumptionthatthereisnothingtobelearnedaboutloveliesintheconfusionbetweentheinitialexperienceof“falling”inlove,andthepermanentstateof“being”inlove,oraswemightbettersay,of“standing”inlove.Iftwopeoplewhohavebeenstrangers,asallofusare,suddenlyletthewallbetweenthembreakdown,andfeelclose,feelone,thismomentofonenessisoneofthemostexhilarating,mostexcitingexperiencesinlife.Itisallthemorewonderfulandmiraculousforpersonswhohavebeenshutoff,isolated,withoutlove.Thismiracleofsuddenintimacyisoftenfacilitatedifitiscombinedwith,orinitiatedby,sexualattractionandconsummation.However,thistypeofloveisbyitsverynaturenotlasting.Thetwopersonsbecomewellacquainted,theirintimacylosesmoreandmoreitsmiraculouscharacter,untiltheirantagonism,theirdisappointments,theirmutualboredomkillwhateverisleftoftheinitialexcitement.Yet,inthebeginningtheydonotknowallthis.Infact,theytaketheintensityoftheinfatuation,thisbeing“