Dumped

Dumped!HelenFisher1.Whyisitsopainfulwhenromancegoeswrong?Blamethewiringofyourbrainandtheharshrealitiesofevolution.2.Emptiness,hopelessness,fear,fury:almosteveryoneendurestheagonyofromanticrejectionatsomepointintheirlives.Whydowesufferso?Sorrowandangeraremetabolicallyexpensiveandtimeconsuming.Whydidn’thumanityevolveawaytoshrugoffromanticlossandeasilyrenewthequesttoasuitablereproductivepartner?3.Ihavebeenstudyingromanticlovefor10yearsorsoandhavecometoseeitasanevolutionaryadaptation.Theabilitytofallinloveevolvedbecausethosewhofocusedtheircourtshipattentiononapreferredpartnersavedtimeandenergyandimprovedtheirchancesofsurvivalandreproduction.4.Unfortunately,thesameappliestolove’sdarkerside.Wehumansaresoft-wiredtosufferterriblywhenwearerejectedbysomeoneweadore-forgoodevolutionaryreasons.5.Thefactthatintense,early-stageromanticpassionisassociatedwithareasrichindopaminesuggestedtousthatromanticloveisnot,infact,anemotion,butprimarilyamotivationalstatedesignedtomakeuspursueapreferredpartner.Indeed,romanticloveappearstobeadriveaspowerfulashunger.6.Butweweren’tinterestedinjustthepositivesideofromance.Wewantedtounderstandeveryaspect.Soin2001webeganscanningthebrainsofpeoplewhoweresufferingthetraumaofarecentrejectioninlove.7.Evenbeforetheresultscomein,thereisalotofwecansayaboutthebiologyofrejectionwhichsuggeststhatitisanevolvedresponsewithspecificfunctions.Psychiatristshavelongdividedromanticrejectionintotwophases:“protest”and“resignation/despair”.Duringtheprotestphase,desertedloversbecomeobsessedwithwinningbacktheobjectoftheiraffections.Theyagonizeoverwhatwentwrongandhowtorekindletheflame.Theymakedramatic,oftenhumiliating,appearancesattheirlover’shomeorworkplace,thenstormout,onlytoreturntoberateorpleadanew.Theyphone,emailandwriteletter.Theyrevisitmutualhauntsandmutualfriends.Andalas,astheadversityintensifies,sodoestheromanticpassion.Thisphenomenonissocommoninthepsychologicalliterature(andinlife)thatIcoinedatermforit-frustrationattraction.Whenromanticloveisthwarted,theloverjustloveharder.8.Whatbrainsystemsmightunderlietheseoddbehaviors?PsychiatristsThomasLewis,FariAminiandRichardLannon,alloftheUniversityofCalifornia,SanFrancisco,havearguedthatprotestisabasicmammalianresponsetotherupturingofanysocialtie.Theybelieveitisassociatedwithdopamine,aswellaswiththecloselyrelatedneurotransmitternorepinephrine.Elevatedlevelsofboththesechemicalleadtoheightenedalertnessandstimulatetheforlornanimaltocallforhelpandsearchforitsabandoner-generallyitsmother.9.Therisinglevelofdopaminemayhelpexplainthebiologyoffrustrationattraction.Sinceourresearchsuggeststhatthedopaminesystemisactivatedduringearly-stageromanticlove,onewouldthinkthatasdopamineactivityincreasedduringprotesttherejectedloverwouldfeelevengreaterpassion.Andanotherbrainmechanismkickinduringtheprotestphasethatcouldaddtothisfrustrationattraction-thestresssystem.Intheshortterm,stresstriggerstheproductionofdopamineandnorepinephrineandsuppressesserotoninactivity,thatheadycombinationofneutransmittersthatImaintaininmybook,WhyWeLove,isassociatedwithromanticlove.10.Whatirony!Asthebelovedslipsaway,thebrainnetworksandchemicalsthatmostlikelycreatethepotentfeelingsofloveincrease.11.Theprotestphaseofrejectionmayalsotriggeractivityinthebrain’spanicsystem.NeuroscientistJaakPankseppofBowlingGreenStateUniversityofOhiobelievesthatthisbrainnetworkgeneratesthatwellknown“separationanxiety”responseininfantmammalsabandonedbytheirmother.Whentheirmotherleaves,infantsbecometroubled.Theyexpresstheiralarmwithapoundingheart,suckinggesturesanddistresscalls.12.Yetanotherbrainsystemoftenbecomesactiveasoneprotestsagainstthedepartureofalover:anger.Evenwhenthedepartingloverseverstherelationshipwithhonestlyandcompassion,andhonorssocialandparentalobligations,manyrejectedloversswingviolentlyfromheartbreaktofury.PsychologistReidMeloyoftheUniversityofCalifornia,SanDiego,callsthisreaction“abandonmentrage”.Iuseadifferentterm:“lovehatred”.Whateveryoucallit,it’sacuriousreaction.Hateandragedon’tgenerallyenticealovertoreturn.Whydoesloveturntohate?13.AtfirstIassumedthathatewastheoppositeoflove.Butitisn’t.Theoppositeofloveisindifference.Moreover,itoccurredtomethatloveandangermightbelinkedinthebrain,andindeedtheyare.Thebasicragenetworkiscloselyconnectedtocentresintheprefrontalcortexthatanticipaterewards,includingtherewardofwinningaloved.Infact,experimentsinanimalshaveshownhowintimatelytheserewardandragecircuitsareintertwined.Stimulateacat’srewardcircuitsanditfeelsintensepleasure.Withdrawthestimulationanditbites.Thiscommonresponsetounfulfilledexpectationsisknownasthe“frustration-aggressionhypothesis”.14.Soromanticloveandlovehatredareprobablywellconnectedinthebrain.Andwhenthedrivetoloveisthwarted,thebrainturnspassionintofury.15.Whydidourancestorsevolvebrainlinksthatenableustohatetheonewecherish?Rageisnotgoodforyourhealth:itelevatesbloodpressure,placesstressontheheartandsuppressestheimmunesystem.Solovehatredmusthaveevolvedtosolvesomecrucialreproductiveproblems.Amongthese,Inowbelievethatitdevelopedtoenablejiltedloverstoextricatethemse