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OnGoingHomeIamhomeformydaughter'sfirstbirthday.ByhomeIdonotmeanthehouseinLosAngeleswheremyhusbandandIandthebabylive,buttheplacewheremyfamilyis,intheCentralValleyofCalifornia.Itisavitalalthoughtroublesomedistinction.Myhusbandlikesmyfamilybutisuneasyintheirhouse,becauseoncethereIfallintotheirways,whicharedifficult,oblique,deliberatelyinarticulate,notmyhusband'sways.Weliveindustyhouses(D-U-S-T,heoncewrotewithhisfingeronsurfacesalloverthehouse,butnoonenoticedit)filledwithmementosquitewithoutvaluetohim(whatcouldtheCantondessertplates1.meantohim?Howcouldhehaveknownabouttheassayscales,whyshouldhecareifhedidknow?),andweappeartotalkexclusivelyaboutpeopleweknowwhohavebeencommittedtomentalhospitals,aboutpeopleweknowwhohavebeenbookedondrunk-drivingcharges,andaboutproperty,particularlyaboutproperty,land,priceperacreandC-2zoningandassessmentsandfreewayaccess2..Mybrother3.doesnotunderstandmyhusband'sinabilitytoperceivetheadvantageintherathercommonreal-estatetransactionknownassale-leaseback,andmyhusbandinturndoesnotunderstandwhysomanyofthepeoplehehearsaboutinmyfather'shousehaverecentlybeencommittedtomentalhospitalsorbookedondrunk-drivingcharges.Nordoesheunderstandthatwhenwetalkaboutsale-leasebacksandright-of-waycondemnationswearetalkingincodeaboutthethingswelikebest,theyellowfieldsandthecottonwoodsandtheriversrisingandfallingandthemountainroadsclosingwhentheheavysnowcomesin.Wemisseachother'spoints,haveanotherdrinkandregardthefire.Mybrotherreferstomyhusband,inhispresence,asJoan'shusband.Marriageistheclassicbetrayal.Orperhapsitisnotanymore.SometimesIthinkthatthoseofuswhoarenowinourthirtieswerebornintothelastgenerationtocarrytheburdenofhome,tofindinfamilylifethesourceofalltensionanddrama.Ihadbyallobjectiveaccountsanormalandahappyfamilysituation,andyetIwasalmostthirtyyearsoldbeforeIcouldtalktomyfamilyonthetelephonewithoutcryingafterIhadhungup.Wedidnotfight.Nothingwaswrong.AndyetsomenamelessanxietycoloredtheemotionalchargesbetweenmeandtheplacethatIcamefrom4.Thequestionofwhetherornotyoucouldgohomeagainwasaveryrealpartofthesentimentalandlargelyliterarybaggagewithwhichwelefthomeinthefifties5;IsuspectthatitisirrelevanttothechildrenbornofthefragmentationafterWorldWarII.AfewweeksagoinaSanFranciscobarIsawaprettyyounggirloncrystaltakeoffherclothesanddanceforthecashprizeinanamateurtoplesscontest.Therewasnoparticularsenseofmomentaboutthis,noneoftheeffectofromanticdegradation,ofdarkjourney,forwhichmygenerationstrivedsoassiduously.Whatsensecouldthatgirlpossiblymakeof,say,LongDay'sJourneyintoNight?Whoisbesidethepoint?ThatIamtrappedinthisparticularirrelevancyisnevermoreapparenttomethanwhenIamhome.Paralyzedbytheneuroticlassitudeengenderedbymeetingone'spastateveryturn,aroundeverycorner,insideeverycupboard,Igoaimlesslyfromroomtoroom.Idecidetomeetithead-onandcleanoutadrawer,andIspreadthecontentsonthebed.AbathingsuitIworethesummerIwasseventeen.AletterofrejectionfromTheNation,anaerialphotographofthesiteforashoppingcentermyfatherdidnotbuildin1954.Threeteacupshand-paintedwithcabbagerosesandsignedE.M.,mygrandmother'sinitials.ThereisnofinalsolutionforlettersofrejectionfromTheNationandteacupshand-paintedin1900.Noristhereanyanswertosnapshotsofone'sgrandfatherasayoungmanonskis,surveyingaroundDonnerPassintheyear1910.Ismoothoutthesnapshotandlookintohisface,anddoanddonotseemyown.Iclosethedrawer,andhaveanothercupofcoffeewithmymother.Wegetalongverywell,veteransofaguerrillawarweneverunderstood.Dayspass.Iseenoone.Icometodreadmyhusband'seveningcall,notonlybecauseheisfullofnewsofwhatbynowseemstomeourremotelifeinLosAngeles,peoplehehasseen,letterswhichrequireattention,butbecauseheaskswhatIhavebeendoing,suggestsuneasilythatIgetout,drivetoSanFranciscoorBerkeley.InsteadIdriveacrosstherivertoafamilygraveyard.Ithasbeenvandalizedsincemylastvisitandthemonumentsarebroken,overturnedinthedrygrass.BecauseIoncesawarattlesnakeinthegrassIstayinthecarandlistentoacountry-and-Westernstation.LaterIdrivewithmyfathertoaranchhehasinthefoothills.Themanwhorunshiscattleonitasksustotheroundup,aweekfromSunday,andalthoughIknowthatIwillbeinLosAngelesIsay,intheobliquewaymyfamilytalks,thatIwillcome.OncehomeImentionthebrokenmonumentsinthegraveyard.Mymothershrugs.Igotovisitmygreat-aunts.AfewofthemthinknowthatIammycousin,ortheirdaughterwhodiedyoung.Werecallananecdoteaboutarelativelastseenin1948,andtheyaskifIstilllikelivinginNewYorkCity.IhavelivedinLosAngelesforthreeyears,butIsaythatIdo.Thebabyisofferedahorehounddrop,andIamslippedadollarbilltobuyatreat.Questionstrailoff,answersareabandoned,thebabyplayswiththedustmotesinashaftofafternoonsun.Itistimeforthebaby'sbirthdayparty:awhitecake,strawberry-marshmallowicecream,abottleofchampagnesavedfromanotherparty.Intheevening,aftershehasgonetosleep,Ikneelbesidethecribandtouchherface,whereitispressedagainsttheslats,withmine.Sheisanopenandtrustingchild,unpreparedforandunaccustomedtotheambushesoffamilylife,andperhapsitisjustaswellthatIcanofferherlittleofthatlife.Iwouldliketogivehermore.Iwouldliketopromiseherthatshewillgrowupwithasenseofhercousinsandofriversando