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PressuredtoBePerfec|“完美”压力“Iwassoproudofmy93inmath...untilsomeonewhogota100askedwhatIgot.SuddenlyIfeltterribleaboutmy93!Ihadtoremindmyselfitdoesn’tmatterwhatthatpersongotorthinksaboutmygrade.TheonlythingthatmattersiswhetherI’mhappywithit.”—Mike,age16,N.J.Justbecauseyourmomalwayswishedyoustuckwithpianolessonsdoesn’tmeanyouhavetobecomethenextBeethoven.Learntorecognizethedifferencebetweenyourownpersonalgoalsandsomeoneelse’s.Sethighexpectationsforyourself,butbesurethoseexpectationsmakesenseforyou...notforanyoneelse.Don’tletcomparisonsthrowyouoffcourse.Jackmaybeabettertennisplayerthanyou,butyoustillhaveeveryrighttobeproudofyourkillerbackhand2!LookattheWholePicture“Becauseofmylearningdisability,I’vehadtoworkextrahardandlearnnewstrategies3todowellinschool.Butit’salsotaughtmethateveryonehasthingsthatarehardforthem,andeveryonehasthingsthattheydoreallywell.Noonedoeseverythingwelloreverythingbadly.”—Melanie,age17,Va.Haveyoueverglancedatagorgeous4modelandthought,“Darnit5,whycan’tIbeperfectlikesheis?”Easy:becauseshe’snotperfect.Justbecauseyoudon’tseeflaws6doesn’tmeanthey’renotthere.Sowhyaren’tyouseeingthatyourprettyneighborstruggleswithacne7?Maybeit’sbecausepartofyoulikesbelievingthatperfectionispossible.Maybeitevenfeelsinspiringinsomeweird8waytocompareyourselftothese“flawless”girls—itgetsyoumotivated9,right?Sure.Unfortunately,itmotivatesyoutoaimforanimpossiblegoal,whichleadsstraighttoPressureCity.Focusonyourstrengths.Startbyrecognizingthosethingsyou’renaturallygoodat.Ifyoucandrawtheworld’scutestkittens,ifyoualwaysgiveyourfriendssmartadviceorknowjusthowtomakethemlaugh,letyourselfappreciatethosequalitiesthewayyouappreciateother’sstrengths.Keepalistofyourowntalentsandaddtoitoften.Andfromnowon,whenyoufinda“perfect”person,remindyourselfthatifyoucouldseeherasclearlyasyouseeyourself,she’dhaveasmanyflawsasyou...oranyoneelse.LearntoAcceptCriticism“Whenmydadkeptcorrectingmyice-skatingmoves,itmademewanttoquit.ButwhenItoldhimIfeltpressured,hesaidIshouldfocusonimprovingratherthangettingupsetthatI’mnotperfect.Slowly,Irealizedhehadapoint.ThenexttimeIshowedupforpracticewithmycoach,shesaideverythingwaslookingreallygreat!”—Tony,age16,BritishColumbiaWhenyourcoachbarks,“Can’tyourunanyfaster?!”theonlymessageyouhearmaybe,“You’renotgoodenough.”Andthatmakesyouwanttoputyourhandsoveryourearsandjuststoplistening.Butconsiderthis:Ifthecriticismcomesfromsomeonewhotrulyhasyourbestinterestsatheart,itmaycontainvaluableinformationthatcanhelpyouimprove.Insteadofshuttinghimout10trytoopenyourselfuptothepossibilitythatyourcriticizermightbeevenjustalittlebitcorrect.Itmaybehardtoappreciatethiswhenyou’refeelingcriticized,butthepersonisgivingyouanhonestopinionandmaysincerelybetryingtohelp,ifyoulisten,youmightlearnsomething.BeYourOwnBestFriend“WheneverIwatchTV,there’ssomeshowonaboutcelebrities.Theyalwayslooksopretty,anditgetsmethinkingabouthowIneverlookthatgood.ButthenIthinktomyself,you’reprettyinyourownway,especiallyontheinside.AndIthinkabouthowspecialIreallyam.”—Lindsay,age15,Md.Ifyourbestfriendblurtedout11thatshefeltugly,wouldyoujuststandthereasthepoorgirlsobbed...orworse,agreewithher?Ofcoursenot!You’drushtoremindyourfriendofallthewayssherocks.Sowhynottreatyourselfwiththesamekindness?Nexttimeyouhearyourselfthinkingnegativethoughtsaboutyoubecauseyou’renotperfect.Pretendyou’reyourownbestfriend.Remindyourselfofwhatmattersinyourlife:yourhealth,yourvalues,yourfriendsandfamily,yourinnerbeauty.Reassureyourselfasoftenasyouneedto...beforetheunfaircomparisonstakeover.Remember,youhavethepowertomakeyourselfcrazytryingtobeperfect(whateverthatmeans),butyoualsohavethepowertomakeyourselfhappy—andtolovethepersonyouare.Andbeingperfect?You’retoobusybeingyoutobotherwiththat!确定期望值“数学得了93分，我自豪极了……直到得了100的人问我考了多少分。我突然觉得自己的93真糟糕！我只好提醒自己，那人得多少分或者怎么看我的分数无关紧要，重要的只是我是否满意。”——麦克，16岁，新泽西州就因为妈妈老想让你坚持上钢琴课，并不意味着你就得成为下一个贝多芬。学会区分你自己的个人目标与别人对你的期望。为自己定下较高的目标，但这个目标一定要对自己、而不是对别人有意义。别让攀比让你偏离了方向。杰克可能网球比你打得好，但你仍然有权为自己的杀手锏——反手击球自豪。全面衡量“因为我有学习障碍，我得格外刻苦地学习，还要讲究学习策略，成绩才会好。但这也教我懂得：每个人都有难以做到的事情，每个人也有做起来得心应手的事情。没有人什么都能做好或者什么都做不好。”——梅兰妮，17岁，弗吉尼亚州你有没有盯着一个靓丽的模特想：“该死，为什么我就不能像她这么完美呢？”这容易回答：因为她并不完美。仅仅因为没看见缺点并不表示它们不存在。为什么没有看到漂亮的邻座也在为青春痘烦恼呢？原因也许是你内心有种想法，愿意相信完美是可以做到的；也许拿自己跟这些“完美无瑕”的女孩相比——这种古怪的方法让你觉得受激励，让你有了动力，对吧？正是这样。可不幸的是，它激发你瞄准了一个不可能实现的目标，径直将你引向“压力之城”。关注自己的强项。首先找出你天生就擅长的事情。如果你能画出可爱之极的小猫咪，如果你总能为朋友出金点子、知道如何让他们开怀大笑，那就为此自我欣赏吧，就像你欣赏别人的优点一样。将自己的特长逐一记下来并不断去充实。从现在开始，每当发现一个“完人”，就要提醒自己：如果你眼中的她能如你眼中的自己那么清晰，那么她和你以及随便哪个人一样，也会有很多缺点。学会接受批评“当爸爸不停地纠正我的滑冰动作时，我直想放弃。可我告诉他我觉得有压力，他说我应该想着提高，而不是为自己不够完美而沮丧。慢慢地我明白了他话里的道理。后来我和教练练习时，她说我的每一个动作都做得棒极了！”——托尼，16岁，加拿大英属哥伦比亚省如果你的教练大吼：“你就不能跑得再快点儿？！”你实际上听到的意思可能是“你不够好。”这样你想用双手捂住耳朵不再往下听。不妨这样想：如果批评来自真心为你好的人，其可贵之处在于能帮助你提高。不要回避批评你的人；相反，虚心听取，哪怕批评你的人可能只有那么一点儿正确。对别人的批评心存感激可能很难，但是批评你的人是在给你一个真诚的建议，而且可能是想真心帮助你。如果你听进去了，你就会有所收获。做自己最好的朋友“不管我什么时候看电视，总有些节目是关于名人的。他们看起来总是那么美，我就想我怎么从来不会那么好看。不过我又对自己说：“你有你的美，尤其是内在美。然后我就想想自己的特别之处。”——琳赛，15岁，马里兰州如果你最好的朋友突然说她觉得自己丑，你会站在一边看那个可怜的女孩哭吗？或者更糟，认为她说得对？当然不会！你会马上提醒朋友她的所有动人之处。那么为什么不以同样的方式善待自己呢？下次你开始否定自己不完美的时候，假装你是自己最好的朋友，想想自己生活中至关重要的东西：你的健康、价值观、朋友、家人和你的内在美。只要需要，就常常肯定自己，别让不公平的攀比心理占了上风。记住