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1TheIliadforwar;theOdysseyforwandering;butwhereisthegreatdomesticepic?Yetitisbutcommonplacetosaythatpassionsmayrageroundatea-tablewhichwouldnothavemisbecomemendashingatoneanotherinwarchariots;andevolutionsofpatienceandtemperareperformedatthefireside,worthytobecomparedwiththeRetreatoftheTenThousand.Menhaveworshipedsomefantasticbeingforlivingaloneinawilderness;butsocialmartyrdomplacenosaintsuponthecalendar.1《伊利亚特》是战争史诗，《奥德赛》是冒险史诗，生活史诗又在何处呢？虽然有，但人们司空见惯，认为平淡无奇。比方说茶桌上发生的争执，然而，盛怒燎原可能会演变成男人们驾着战车相互对峙；篝火旁人群集中，产生并进化出了耐心和脾性，这一过程堪比《远征记》里的万人大撤退，都是非凡的事情。人类崇敬那些在荒郊野外独立生存的人，可是历史大事记上却没有因社交生活痛苦而记载（留名史册）的圣贤。2Wemayblindourselvestoitifwelike,butthehatredsanddisguststhattherearebehindfriendship,relationship,service,and,indeed,proximityofallkinds,isoneofthedarkestspotsuponearth.Thevariousrelationsoflife,whichbringpeopletogether,cannot,asweknow,beperfectlyfulfilledexceptinastatewheretherewill,perhaps,benooccasionforanyofthem.Itisnoharm,however,toendeavortoseewhetherthereareanymethodswhichmaketheserelationsintheleastdegreemoreharmoniousnow.如果愿意我们可以视而不见，但是隐藏在友谊、恋爱、服务关系乃至几乎一切人与人关系背后的嫌恶敌意，是地球上最黑暗的污点之一。众所周知，生活中将人们聚集在一起的各种关系，除非没有任何意外，否则都不会完全令人满意。但是，努力寻找是否有什么方法使关系变得更加和谐，还是有益无害的。3Inthefirstplace,ifpeoplearetolivehappilytogether,theymustnotfancy,becausetheyarethrowntogethernow,thatalltheirliveshavebeenexactlysimilaruptothepresenttime,thattheystartedexactlyalike,andthattheyaretobeforthefutureofthesamemind.Athoroughconvictionofthedifferenceofmenisthegreatthingtobeassuredofinsocialknowledge:itistolifewhatNewton'slawistoastronomy.Sometimesmenhaveaknowledgeofitwithregardtotheworldingeneral:theydonotexpecttheouterworldtoagreewiththeminallpoints,butarevexedatnotbeingabletodrivetheirowntastesandopinionsintothosetheylivewith.Diversitiesdistressthem.Theywillnotseethattherearemanyformsofvirtueandwisdom.Yetwemightaswellsay:Whyallthesestars;whythisdifference;whynotallonestar?首先，如果人们想幸福快乐地一起生活，就一定不能想当然地认为，既然他们现在已经相遇并在一起了，那么过去到现在，他们的生活都是一样的，开端一样而且以后也会以一样的思维继续生活。在社交生活知识中，人与人之间存在差异是根本定论，就像牛顿定律是天文学的根本定律一样。大千世界，有时候人类有这种认识：他们不求外界在所有问题上都能和他们观点一致，但是会因不能将自己的品味、想法灌输给身边的人而烦恼愠怒。差异使他们痛苦，他们不会明白其实美德智慧有很多形式，然后依然感慨：“为什么有这么多星星？为什么都不相同？为什么不能只有一颗？”4Manyoftherulesforpeoplelivingtogetherinpeacefollowfromtheabove.Forinstance,nottointerfereunreasonablywithothers,nottoridiculetheirtastes,nottoquestionandrequestiontheirresolves,nottoindulgeinperpetualcommentontheirproceedings,andtodelightintheirhavingotherpursuitsthanours,areallbaseduponathoroughperceptionofthesimplefactthattheyarenotwe.4人与人能和谐相处的许多规则都遵循刚刚提到的观点，比如，不要毫无理由地干涉他人，不要嘲笑他人的品味，不要质疑或反复质疑他人的决心，不要无休止地品论他人的事情，要为他人的追求与自己不同而感到高兴，所有这些都基于一个简单的事实——他们不是我们。5Anotherruleforlivinghappilywithothersistoavoidhavingstocksubjectsofdisputation.Itmostlyhappens,whenpeoplelivemuchtogether,thattheycometohavecertainsettopics,aroundwhich,fromfrequentdispute,thereissuchagrowthofangrywords,mortifiedvanity,andthelike,thattheoriginalsubjectofdifferencebecomesastandingsubjectforquarrel;andthereisatendencyinallminordisputestodriftdowntoit.另一个与人和谐相处的规则就是避免产生争吵的固定话题。通常，经常在一起的人们会产生一些固定的话题，围绕这些话题会常常发生争执，久而久之便会恶语相向、互相羞辱，因此最初简单的分歧就变成了争吵的“固定话题”，而且所有细微的分歧在争论中都会转向这个“固定话题”。6Again,ifpeoplewishtolivewelltogether,theymustnotholdtoomuchtologic,andsupposethateverythingistobesettledbysufficientreason.Dr.Johnsonsawthisclearlywithregardtomarriedpeople,whenhesaid:Wretchedwouldbethepairaboveallnamesofwretchedness,whoshouldbedoomedtoadjustbyreasoneverymorningalltheminutedetailofadomesticday.Buttheapplicationshouldbemuchmoregeneralthanhemadeit.Thereisnotimeforsuchreasonings,andnothingthatisworththem.Andwhenwerecollecthowtwolawyers,ortwopoliticians,cangooncontending,andthatthereisnoendofone-sidedreasoningonanysubject,weshallnotbesurethatsuchcontentionisthebestmodeforarrivingattruth.Butcertainlyitisnotthewaytoarriveatgoodtemper.此外，要想与人和谐相处，人们也不能对“讲道理”太过认真，不能以为万事只要有理就能解决。约翰森博士用夫妇的争执说明了这个规则，她说：“可怜人说的就是夫妻，他们背负相互指责的各种罪名，注定只能通过每天早晨争论琐事来为自己辩解。”这个规则比约翰森博士给出的应用更加广泛。这样的评理白白费时、毫无价值，想想律师、政治家如何相互争论而各方的争辩都没有尽头，我们就应该懂得这样的争论本就不能了解真相，也不能和谐相处。7Ifyouwouldbelovedasacompanion,avoidunnecessarycriticismuponthosewithwhomyoulive.Thenumberofpeoplewhohavetakenoutjudge'spatentsforthemselvesisverylargeinanysociety.Nowitwouldbehardforamantolivewithanotherwhowasalwayscriticizinghisactions,evenifitwerekindlyandjustcriticism.Itwouldbelikelivingbetweentheglassesofamicroscope.Buttheseself-electedjudges,liketheirprototypes,areveryapttohavethepersonstheyjudgebroughtbeforethemintheguiseofculprits.要想成为受喜爱的同伴，就要避免对共同生活的人不必要的挑剔苛求。任何团体中总有很多人自诩为“法官”行使权力。即使出于善意或提醒，人们也很难和一个总是挑剔自己行为的人生活，因为这种生活就如同放在了显微镜下，而这些“自选”的法官们也时常准备着让他们的研究对象扮演罪犯的角色。8Oneofthemostprovokingformsofthecriticismabovealludedtoisthatwhichmaybecalledcriticismovertheshoulder.HadIbeenconsulted,Hadyoulistenedtome,Butyoualwayswill,andsuchshortscrapsofsentencesmayremindmanyofusofdissertationswhichwehavesufferedandinflicted,andofwhichwecannotcalltomindanysoothingeffect.挑剔中最令人生气的方式就是“事后诸葛”。“你要是早问问我”，“你要是早听我的”，“不这样的话，你一定可以”，这些只言片语让我们联想起了反复修改论文的痛苦，听到这些没有人能够平心静气。9Anotherruleis,nottoletfamiliarityswallowupallcourtesy.Manyofushaveahabitofsayingtothosewithwhomwelivesucht